Do It Yourself Paranoia: Mothra Puts On The Onion Sombrero

You may have recently been exposed to a commercial for Coke Zero involving a disembodied tongue, eyeball, and brain, debating the merits of Coke Zero while a second tongue stands in the distance and watches...

No, this is not something that happened to me on LSD. It's a real commercial.

The thing ends with the brain breaking up the tongue/eyeball debate. He threatens to make the tongue eat dirt, and ends with this very peculiar threat to the eyeball:

"You are going to have to wear the onion sombrero. All. Day. Long. Señor."

I've seen the ad several times and I can confirm that yes, the brain does say "onion sombrero." At first I wondered if this was some slang term I simply hadn't heard before, like "Dirty Sanchez."

I think I have uncovered the secret of The Onion Sombrero. I think Coke is trying to launch a meme. It's a catchy phrase, and a Google search reveals that the phrase didn't exist prior to the commercial. And hey, if Google can't find something, it doesn't exist, right?

Long-time readers of this blog may recall my ongoing attempts to find a corporate sponsor. Given the underwhelming response to my entreaties, I've decided to attach myself to this meme while it's young... like a pilot fish attached to the Great White Shark of Coca-Cola's marketing department.

Thanks in advance Coke... in exchange for your unintentional generosity, I promise I won't mention that recent settlement where you paid out $137 million US to your shareholders regarding a little matter of stock price manipulation. Or at least I'll keep it to a minimum.

Time to sit back and rake in the Google-fueled attention!

And if Google brought you here (just like all those fine people looking for "Kat Von D Naked"), please... feel free to check out the rest of my blog. Who knows... you may end up accidentally having a good time.

I'm Dissectin' It: The Big Mac Deconstructed Day Three -- MAY OR MAY NOT CONTAIN STUFF

The Big Mac bun is a marvel of chemical engineering... white, fluffy, and apparently quite fresh. I dropped one and it bounced with a springiness I haven't often observed in baked goods. Since I'm the kind of guy who loves taking things apart to see how they work, here (straight from McD's web site) are the ingredients in a Big Mac bun. My comments are in italics.

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Big Mac® Bun: Enriched wheat flour ("Enriched" meaning "mechanically processed and stripped of a lot of nutrients, then a few are put back, like when you get gouged on your cell phone bill but then get a "Preferred Customer" half-price movie admission coupon in the mail), water, sugar and/or glucose-fructose (in other words, sugar and/or sugar-sugar), yeast, vegetable oil (soybean and/or canola) (why not one or the other?), salt, calcium sulphate (soaks up excess moisture. Can be made at home from drywall)...


AND MAY CONTAIN ANY OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING IN VARYING PROPORTIONS:

(This is what I don't get. "May contain any or all of the following." Imagine wedding vows like that: "I, (Bride/Groom), MAY take you (Groom/Bride), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold IN ANY OR ALL OF THE FOLLOWING from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part, IN VARYING PROPORTIONS . MAYBE.")

diacetyl tartaric acid (used as a pesticide -- go ahead, look it up) esters of mono and diglycerides (gives it a nice smell), vegetable mono and diglycerides (mono and diglycerides are "emulsifiers" -- chemicals that make other compounds that would normally stick together, stick togther -- like oil and water), calcium propionate (another pesticide -- may or may not be toxic to humans. The jury's still out), sodium stearoyl-2- lactylate (another emulsifier), corn flour, calcium phosphate, soy flour, sunflower oil, wheat starch, ammonium phosphate (often used in fertilizer -- here it's meant to stimulate growth of yeast. Gotta crank those buns out FAST!), calcium peroxide (a flour bleaching agent -- everyone likes white bread!), wheat gluten, ethanol (alcohol -- woo hoo!), sorbitol (made from corn syrup as a sweetner. Common in cough syrup), polysorbate 20 (a surfactant -- chemically changes the surface tension of liquids. Beats the hell outta me what it's doing here), sodium propionate (a preservative -- inhibits mold formation), enzymes ("enzymes" covers a lot of ground. It's like saying a KKK rally and an Amnesty International conference both contain "motivated people"), dextrin (more sweetener!), corn starch, wheat starch, cellulose gum (according to one chemical company web site I found, "cellulose gum significantly enhances quality by acting as a thickener and stabilizer and by controlling crystallization, moisture retention and fat uptake." Your guess is as good as mine), ammonium sulfate (yet another fertilizer/insecticide component. Is that why it needs the mold inhibitor?), malt, calcium carbonate (in other words, chalk), sesame seeds.

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Wait a minute... I thought companies were supposed to list their ingredients in order from greatest to least total percentage of content. And I can see the sesame seeds. Does this mean that there's more calcium propionate than sesame seeds in this thing?

Is that why it bounced so nicely?

I'm Dissectin' It: The Big Mac Deconstructed Day Two -- Deep Into The Guts

McDonalds -- you hot, sexy marketing machine, you -- is jumping on the blog wagon in order to improve their public perception. Six moms will be spending time behind the counter at McDonalds and blogging about their experiences.

It seems the Clown has been on the receiving end of a lot of bad press about their contribution to childhood obesity, as well as over environmental concerns, the quality of work there, et cetera. And having a bunch of moms behind the counter saying things like "holy crap, these futon-patties are FRESH, not FROZEN!" will help immensely.

Honestly, I'm not sure how my humble contribution will lower the calorie-count on a Big Mac, or make the life of the guy stuffing it into a box will help, but there you have it. Perception is reality, it seems.

So, let's see what one perceives when a Big Mac is disassembled. Today, I'm taking a look at the guts of the Mac.

The pickles appear to be more-or-less perfectly normal, as are the teeny little bits that appear to be onions. Or so it seems - the onions are pretty much uniformly sunk into the sauce.

The lettuce -- or, as I like to think of it, "the side salad" -- is uniformly chopped up into orderly little bits. I tried reassembling them into something resembling a lettuce leaf, like a lab tech on "CSI" reassembling a shredded business document, but to no avail. On balance, I was surprised by the unusual whiteness of the lettuce. Statistically speaking, I suppose a greater-than-average number of my leaf fragments could have come from the whiter parts of the leaves, rather than the green one traditionally associates with lettuce.

Finally, we arrive at the heart of the matter: The Special Sauce.

I'm telling you, it's Thousand Islands salad dressing. It's no more "special" than ketchup or mustard or mayonnaise would be. It looks like it, it tastes like it, it becomes greasy when exposed to heat (example: a burger patty) like it.

Then again, we are talking about a company that starts a PR campaign every time a dictionary reports that people who speak English use the term McJob to mean "An unstimulating low-paid job with few prospects, especially one created by the expansion of the service sector". Just like when a film company takes a dozen film critics from Podunk and puts them on an expenses-paid press junket for three days so that a piece of crap movie gets rave reviews like "THE MOST INCREDIBLE ACTION FAMILY DRAMA COMEDY HORROR ROMANCE MYSTERY MOVIE IN YEARS! YOU'LL LAUGH/CRY/SCREAM/SHIT/THINK YOURSELF TO DEATH!!"

...with the critic's name in tiny print beneath the rave...

So, maybe having moms behind the counter blogging about how fresh the buns are really will make things better, somehow. Maybe perception is reality. Maybe the sauce really is "special."

McDonald's, you are doubleplusgood!

I'm Dissectin' It: The Big Mac Deconstructed (Day One)

Maybe Mom was right. I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket when it comes to giving myself away to one corporation or another. That's why I'm going to take a few days off from courting Novartis and will be working my charm on McDonald's instead. Now there's a place with sponsorship money to burn...

I've disassembled a Big Mac and will be going over the wholesome, nutritious contents one bit at a time. Today: the meat.

First of all, my apologies for the quality of the photo. It was taken under standard fluorescent kitchen lighting, which somehow fails to capture the ash-grey quality of the patties. Also, the resolution was too low to catch the many tasty scraps of connective tissue in the patties. A typical McDonald's patty has way more springiness going for it than the ones Mom used to make. The patties have a delightful resiliency... you can bend and stretch them in ways you just couldn't with home-made burgers. Try it yourself!

The meat has a lovely mouth-feel to it, like a warm greasy futon.

I also love the way McDonald's lets you know in its advertising that they only serve burgers made with "Grade A beef." By law, anything other than Grade A beef can't be served to humans. Grade B beef is reserved for dog food and such.

Personally, I'd love to work for a place so powerful it can attempt to change the English language itself, and can even enlist elected politicians to help. Now that's what I call packin' a corporate punch!

When I got this burger, you should have seen how delighted the staff was. They were having a great time! I want a job somewhere I can be totally blank-eyed with delight like those guys were. They were so overwhelmed with job satisfaction that they came across like assembly-line robots: so enthralled that nothing else was on their minds. At all. I assume the company provides some sort of steady-dosage morphine drip to get that effect... which in turn implies some sort of medical coverage. Who needs a union?

The Word Of The Day: "Pro-Ana"

(Click here for the full story on my ongoing attempt to land Benefibre©... a product from the fine people at Novartis... as a corporate sponsor for my blog.)

The new edition of Collin's Dictionary will be including two new words: "sub-zero" (specifically referring to undersized clothing for adults, usually women) and "pro-ana."

"Pro-ana" is a contraction of "pro" (as in "in favour of") and "ana," which comes from "anorexic," meaning "deliberately starving yourself." Pro-ana refers to those who consider anorexia and related eating disorders to be a legitimate lifestyle choice.

It's hard to go broke marketing to teenage trends. NOW it makes sense why Benefibre comes in that oh-so-sexy curvy bottle. I get it NOW! You hot, sexy, marketing geniuses with your hot, sexy degrees in psychology and your hot, sexy sociopathic lack of a conscience... you're marketing to anorexics, aren't you?

Here's a hot, sexy recipe for hot, sexy cabbage soup that'll help even the most determined of the "Lindsay Lohan is a blimp" crowd:

Benefibre© Blowout Soup!

1 can beef broth or french onion soup (substitute water if you're feeling really chubby)
3/4 medium head cabbage, chopped (few calories, lots of fibre. Safe)
2 white onions, chopped (Okay, I know what you're thinking, fatty. Make that 1 onion)
1 green pepper, chopped (Half a pepper if you ate a cracker yesterday)
1/2 cup chopped celery (Takes more calories to digest than you get out of it. Better make that a full cup)
4 cups water (Filtered of course. Minerals are heavy)
l large can (28 ounces) chopped tomatoes. (It'll make it look like there's something in it besides water, so it's worth the calories if Mom is watching)
1 clove garlic, chopped (Don't worry about your breath. No one wants to kiss you at your weight, anyway)
2 dashes hot sauce, optional (It'll help you not notice the lack of anything else in the soup)
2 tablespoons brown sugar, firmly packed (Ha, ha. Just kidding)
2 cups Benefibre© (Cleans everything out!)

PREPARATION:

In large kettle, combine beef broth, chopped cabbage, chopped onions, peppers, celery and water. Bring mixture to boil over medium-high heat; turn down to low. Add garlic and hot sauce; continue cooking until ingredients are tender, about 1 1/2 hours (about the time it'll take you to read "Cosmo Girl" if you do the quizzes). Add chopped tomatoes and juice. Add more water if needed. Stir in Benefibre and enjoy!

Feeds one fourteen-year-old anorexic for about a week.

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If a diet of that doesn't settle you huge, porky, unfashionable girls down, you'll be pleased to know that Novartis... God bless them... has this for you! Imagine yourself skinny and popular, loved by all, AND with a (relatively) minimal risk of heart problems, aggression, mania, heart failure, and sudden unexpected death.

Take THAT, you fat bitch Nicole Ritchie!

This is what I love most about a open, free-market economy. People can have whatever they want, and someone is there to sell it to them. Hell, there's even someone there to sell you the stuff that you'd normally think is dangerous and/or stupid... like anorexia.

God bless you, Novartis, and everyone like you!

I Attempt To Whore Myself To The Machine

I always dreamed this day would come.

I'm an old-fashioned guy at heart. In a world where people are always giving themselves away for trivial or temporary reasons, I've always wanted to hold out for The One. And I have finally found My Heart's Desire.

My buddy Faith and I were loafing around the other day watching TV... some mundane reality show or another, as I recall... and I saw the most amazing commercial for Benefibre. The commercial itself wasn't the most ground-breaking thing in terms of the script, or the actor, or the effects or anything. It presented itself very naturally, comfortable with its own appeal.

Naturally, I was intrigued.

Benefibre is a soluble dietary fibre supplement extracted from chicory root. It is completely flavourless, dissolves completely in water, won't thicken, and is essentially a stealth dietary fibre additive to any food or drink.

I've been impressed with a lot of things in my time... microwave ovens, genetically modified organisms, lasers, water-skiing squirrels... but this left me silent. Stunned. Like Keanu Reeves memorizing his lines, stunned.

Let's say your boss is a jerk. Every day you phone in the lunch order, and every day he orders the won ton soup. Hell, screw that: you could dose his coffee all day long and he'd never notice.

Imagine the hell you could raise that way.

It was love at first sight.

So: being a true romantic, I am ready to make my formal declaration of love and intent, right here before your very eyes. So many out there give themselves away through cynicism or fear.

I've found something I can really, truly believe in.

It is my intention to make Benefibre... sorry, Benefibre... the Offical Corporate Sponsor of "The Further Adventures Of Chironboy." In future entries you will see my attempts to woo and win this most beautiful and gifted child of Novartis... formerly Ciba-Geigy and Sandoz... as my One True Sponsor!

Isn't it romantic!

Oh, by the way Novartis, best of luck with that leukemia-drug lawsuit in India. Let the lazy bastards pay full price! Fuck 'em. You're the good guys.