Sarah Palin, Harbinger Of The Apocalypse

As someone who has sat back and watched US Federal politics for a long time, and as someone who has prayed for the change I had hoped Barack Obama would bring, I am now officially putting my hopes for a better world in the freezer for the next few years.

Why? For two reasons:

1) As one analyst after another on the tube today is saying-but-not-saying, White Woman trumps Black Man. Those Americans who simply can't stomach the notion of a black guy in the White House can make themselves feel better by voting for a white woman.

Of course, these are the same people who would have justified voting for a McCain/Mitt Romney ticket, or McCain/Pawlenty, or McCain/Sock Puppet for that matter. But because it's a woman, everyone can act like they're all progressive an' shit.

Trust me, no one with the Republican Party is going to bitch about Palin's lack of experience... a little under two years as a Governor. Sure, they bitched about Obama's "lack of experience," but of course he's playing for the wrong team.

If/when elected, Sarah Palin will be the least politically-experienced VP since Spiro Agnew.

(There's a line the Dems should play up. Just like Bush kept bashing away with "evildoers," "Spiro Agnew" should be the soundbite du jour. But do they have the imagination for it?)

...But I'm sure Sarah Palin has the naked ambition and pure inflexibility required to be a Republican Vice President. That, and a willingness to torture foreigners in order to save fetuses, or however the logic goes.

2) The Heavens Themselves have already declared Shenanigans on this upcoming election.

Or rather, The Heavens, via Diebold.

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And The Obama VP Nominee Is...

Recently I have exposed myself (partly by choice, partly by circumstance) to more CNN than usual, and a lot more Fox News. I've learned a lot about the news this way. Apparently, all one has to do is get to the "facts" first and then have a couple of people shout at each other as to whether or not this is a "good" fact or a "bad" fact.

So, having just checked my e-mail, I'm going to sit here and scratch my head as to whether or not it's a "good" thing or a "bad thing" as to whom Barack Obama has chosen for his Vice Presidential nominee. Better yet: I can sit here with a couple of sock puppets, shouting at each other and calling each other idiots for holding the views they hold. Or appear to hold, rather. Sock puppets, like Fox News "consultants," will dance to whatever tune they're paid to.

See? I can do hard news too. Come back after the Life Insurance and Investment Company ads for even more hard-hitting "news"!

...Oh, right. The next Vice President of The United States? The nominee is Joe Biden. I almost forgot to mention that because I was so busy talking about myself and what a great job I'm doing of uncovering "facts."

I learned that from CNN and Fox News too.

Bill O'Reilly The Impaler Vs. Fictional European History

On today's Billoreilly.com, Bill shows off his historical knowledge (which is a momentary break from his utter mangling of current events) by comparing Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to Vlad Tepeş, AKA Vlad The Impaler, AKA Dracula.

Bram Stoker based the character of Dracula on the historical Vlad, who was notorious for his cruelty. Some examples:

-Vlad The Impaler got his nickname from his habit of impaling his enemies... men, women, children... basically anyone who pissed him off. Among other atrocities, Vlad was noted for "The Forest Of The Impaled," which consisted of thousands of impaled Turkish soldiers lining the roadways. This was done to scare off the Ottoman Empire. You know... Muslims. He was also once greeted by three Turkish diplomats, who refused to remove their fezzes at Vlad's court (not doing so being a cultural sign of respect for Muslims at the time). So The Impaler had their fezzes nailed onto their heads and sent the Turks home.

-Vlad also allegedly invited hundreds of the poor and indigent to a great feast. Vlad nailed the doors of the hall shut once it was full and burned the place down. Furthermore, in his capital city, Târgovişte, there was a fountain with a solid gold cup that anyone could drink from... and supposedly never got stolen, because Vlad was so tough on crime.

Dracula, was merely defending his land and way of life from Moslems and freeloaders. Vladimir Putin, on the other hand, is a very wealthy man in a position of power, who has a fondness for using force and having his enemies killed, often by sneaky and unusual assassination techniques.

Get your metaphors right, Bill. Vladimir Putin isn't "Vlad The Impaler"... he's a James Bond villain.

Based on foreign and domestic policy, Vlad The Impaler was obviously a neocon.

US Military In Iraq Votes With Their Dollars -- For Obama

The traditional logic is that veteran and Republican John McCain, simply because he is a veteran and a Republican, should naturally earn the vote of US military personnel, especially those serving in Iraq.

In fact, when it comes to campaign contributions, Obama has received five times the donation dollars that McCain has. And just to rub a little salt in the political wound, former candidate Ron Paul (who stood out among the Republicrowd as being firmly against the war in Iraq) raised four times as much as McCain. And Ron Paul stopped running in June.

So far, Fox news isn't touching this story. They're too busy with a tropical storm that might turn into a hurricane that might hit part of southern Florida, and a missing child who might have been murdered by her mother. CNN has given this story a brief mention, but are clear to report that this is in no way a proper, scientific opinion poll.

That's true. This is not the result of a carefully constructed theoretical proposition asked by glorified telemarketers during people's dinner: this is an actual study of how actual military personnel in Iraq have actually voted with their dollars. And next time you're talking to a soldier in Iraq, ask them how well the job pays. You'll find that these people generally don't have a lot of spare cash to throw around.

Ever wonder what the actual people doing the job know that The Republican Party and the talking haircuts at Fox News don't?

43 Reasons To Not Care Who "Values Voters" Like

Barack Obama and John McCain will appear on the same stage for the first time this campaign Saturday, at the very posh Saddleback Church for a gathering sponsored by "TheCall," a collection of people who are in favour of Christian principles and opposed to leaving a space after the word "The." No one is expecting any profound policy statements: instead, it is more than likely going to be Obama and McCain trying to look more marketable to the shotguns and pickups crowd. Morality-wise, Americans want their leaders to be upright Christians, just like every upright Christian president that came before.

Let's have a look at the moral standards Barack and John have to live up to, President by President:

George Washington: Grew pot. Sure, it was "hemp," but he distinctly states in his diary that he separated the male from the female plants. There is only one reason to do that: ask your dealer about it.

John Adams: Spent nine years away from his wife in Europe, so could be considered a bad husband.

Thomas Jefferson: Legally owned his mistress, Sally Hemings.

James Madison: Fairly clean record, but at 5'4" unelectable by today's standards. Also, clearly un-American by today's standards: "If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy."

James Monroe: Notoriously silent on matters of religion. Never made any public statements on religion, and none of his friends and family recall him discussing the matter. Thought of by many as a Deist: one who believes in God but refusing to be bound by standard Christian dogma.

John Quincy Adams: Enjoyed dueling. Drank like a fish. As Minister To Russia, allegedly kept an American servant girl as a personal plaything for the Czar.

Andrew Jackson: Leading advocate of a policy called "Indian removal," motivated in part by the discovery of gold on Cherokee land, resulting in the death of about 4,000 Native Americans during the "Trail Of Tears" incident. Married his wife before she was technically divorced.

Martin Van Buren: Proposed to a woman in her mid-20s (granddaughter of Thomas Jefferson) not long after the death of his first wife.

William Henry Harrison: Only served for a little over a month, so no time for shenanigans. However, literally didn't have the sense to come in out of the rain, leading to his death by pneumonia.

John Tyler: Married a 22 year old "long time friend" mere months after the death of his first wife. Subject to an impeachment vote for misuse of veto powers.

James Polk: Fairly clean. Ongoing issues with kidney stones, resulting in (among other things) surgery that left him infertile. A classic candidate for painkiller addiction, in modern terms.

Zachary Taylor: Ignored orders as a general in the Mexican War. A northerner who owned slaves on his Southern property. Corrupt cabinet. Drank a lot.

Millard Fillmore: Scandal free, but painfully boring and uncharismatic. Thus, unelectable by today's standards.

Franklin Pierce: Raging drunk. Accused of cowardice under fire as a general. Ran over an old lady with his carriage. Died of cirrhosis.

James Buchanan: Never married, but spent an awful lot of time with Senator William Rufus King. Lived with King (whom Andrew Jackson called "Miss Nancy") for over two decades.

Abraham Lincoln: Poorly educated. Prone to depression. May have had syphilis. Married a crazy woman.

Andrew Johnson: Couldn't read or write until he was 18, when his wife taught him. Was subject to two impeachment attempts.

Ulysses S. Grant: Roaring drunk, by many accounts, for the bulk of the Civil War and his Presidency. Major financial scandals during his term.

Rutherford B. Hayes: "A third rate nonentity, whose only recommendation is that he is obnoxious to no one," according to a contemporary. Thus, unelectable by modern standards.

James Garfield: (Not to be confused with the gluttonous cat of the same name) Involved in the Crédit Mobilier of America scandal, sole bidder for many important railway contracts... kind of like Halliburton today. Had a fling with a married woman.

Chester A. Arthur: Forced to resign from his job at a customs house due to a financial scandal. May have covered up having been born in Canada, and thus would be disqualified from becoming President.

Grover Cleveland: His fling with Maria C. Halpin is resulted in the birth of an illegitimate child. Had Maria committed to an insane asylum, and their child was sent to an orphanage.

William McKinley: Involved in a major personal financial scandal, but was bailed out by his friends.

Theodore Roosevelt: Generally clean, but implicated in the Panama Canal Scandal. Daughter Alice was a notorious party girl.

William Howard Taft: Generally clean, but seriously overweight and a notoriously loud snorer. Thus, unelectable by current standards.

Woodrow Wilson: One wife died, and was engaged to another in less than a year.

Warren Harding: Two confirmed mistresses. The Republican Party bought off one (the wife of a friend) for $20,000 and a free trip to Japan. The other one gave birth to Harding's illegitimate daughter.

Calvin Coolidge: Generally clean. Was probably too busy gutting Federal control over the economy, thus setting the stage for The Depression.

Herbert Hoover: Generally scandal free, but oversaw the "Mexican Repatriation," which saw about half a million Mexicans and Mexican Americans "repatriated" via forced migration. Thus, still electable (if you're a Republican).

Franklin D. Roosevelt: Started an affair with his wife's 22 year old secretary. Broke it off later when his wife found out. They started up again later.

Harry S. Truman: Generally clean, but did bump a wounded WW II veteran from his flight home, so Truman could get home sooner.

Dwight D. Eisenhower: nearly ditched his wife for a 24 year old.

John F. Kennedy: Marilyn Monroe. Judith Exner. Blaze Starr. Mary Pinshot Meyer. Probably others.

Lyndon B. Johnson: Alleged longtime affair with Alice Glass, girlfriend of a newspaper publisher. Supposedly only broke it off because of her opposition to Vietnam.

Richard Nixon: Watergate. Also, Watergate. And let's not forget Watergate.

Gerald Ford: Pardoned Nixon. What, that isn't bad enough for you?

Jimmy Carter: Had a drunk brother. If you've made it this far down the list, Jimmy's probably looking pretty good right about now.

Ronald Reagan: Cheated on Wife Number One with Wife Number Two. Also, Iran-Contra, among others.

George Bush The First: Alleged long-term affair with Jennifer Fitzgerald.

Bill Clinton: Gennifer Flowers. Paula Jones. Monica Lewinsky.

George Bush The Second: will probably be sobered up enough by now, after his triumphant appearance drunk at the Beijing Olympics, to continue being the moral paragon that "Values Voters" elected last time.

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Now, you were saying something about how a President has to be pious and upright...?

Gigantic Rampaging Turds Try To Destroy Infrastructure: Two True Stories

1) An installation by American artist Paul McCarthy (best known for such works as "Santa Claus With A Butt Plug") broke loose from its moorings at The Paul Klee Centre in Berne, Switzerland, taking out a power line and finally coming to rest next to a children's home, smashing a window.

The installation, "Complex Shit," is an inflatable turd the size of a house.

2) Republican Presidential candidate John McCain (you know, the maverick who doesn't vary from the neocon agenda any more)has begun to rant about getting rid of "pork barrel" budget items... things with special funding requests for specific projects attached to larger bills. The average cost for such earmarked items is 1.3 million dollars each... a pittance in Federal budgetary terms.

It will be a nice excuse to ignore crumbling levees and collapsing bridges, which after all aren't very sexy.

Shakespeare, Sonnet XII, Reviewed By John McCain (Actual Quotes)

When I do count the clock that tells the time,
And see the brave day sunk in hideous night;

-"I spent five and a half years in prison. The worst part was coming home and finding out Green Acres had been canceled. What the hell was I fighting for?"

When I behold the violet past prime,
And sable curls all silver'd o'er with white;
When lofty trees I see barren of leaves
Which erst from heat did canopy the herd,

-"I believe America did the right thing by not joining the Kyoto Treaty."

And summer's green all girded up in sheaves
Borne on the bier with white and bristly beard,

-"I will veto every single beer... er, bill with earmarks."

Then of thy beauty do I question make,

-"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

That thou among the wastes of time must go,
Since sweets and beauties do themselves forsake
And die as fast as they see others grow.

-"Presidential ambition is a disease that can only be cured by embalming fluid."

And nothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence

-"Do not yield. Do not flinch. Stand up. Stand up with our President and fight. We're Americans. We're Americans, and we'll never surrender. They will. "

Save breed, to brave him when he takes thee hence.

-"That's not too important. What's important is the casualties."

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Oil Prices Change. Greed Remains The Same.

Consider this before you heave that big sigh of relief that the price of a barrel of oil is down a couple of bucks:

Chevron just announced a record profit of 11 billion dollars in the last quarter. Exxon is currently making over $89,000 per minute.

And you? Where is your piece of this juicy free-market pie?

Forgive my bitterness: it's probably just from my attempts to afford a loaf of bread and a bus ticket.

Absolutely no one... certainly not the experts, believe that screwing up the environment with more American drilling offshore and in the Arctic will do any good at all, any time soon. But of course that hasn't stopped the major oil companies from crying for it, using your suffering at the pumps (directly and indirectly... you don't think that loaf of bread got to the store itself, do you?) as ugly and cynical leverage to push for it anyway.

Who would be crazy, stupid, greedy, and nearsighted enough to support that sort of thing? Who would be vile enough to push that social, economic, and environmental suicide agenda?

This guy, that's who. You know, the guy who gave you this problem in the first place:

Angry yet?

Do It Yourself Paranoia: Mothra Puts On The Onion Sombrero

You may have recently been exposed to a commercial for Coke Zero involving a disembodied tongue, eyeball, and brain, debating the merits of Coke Zero while a second tongue stands in the distance and watches...

No, this is not something that happened to me on LSD. It's a real commercial.

The thing ends with the brain breaking up the tongue/eyeball debate. He threatens to make the tongue eat dirt, and ends with this very peculiar threat to the eyeball:

"You are going to have to wear the onion sombrero. All. Day. Long. Señor."

I've seen the ad several times and I can confirm that yes, the brain does say "onion sombrero." At first I wondered if this was some slang term I simply hadn't heard before, like "Dirty Sanchez."

I think I have uncovered the secret of The Onion Sombrero. I think Coke is trying to launch a meme. It's a catchy phrase, and a Google search reveals that the phrase didn't exist prior to the commercial. And hey, if Google can't find something, it doesn't exist, right?

Long-time readers of this blog may recall my ongoing attempts to find a corporate sponsor. Given the underwhelming response to my entreaties, I've decided to attach myself to this meme while it's young... like a pilot fish attached to the Great White Shark of Coca-Cola's marketing department.

Thanks in advance Coke... in exchange for your unintentional generosity, I promise I won't mention that recent settlement where you paid out $137 million US to your shareholders regarding a little matter of stock price manipulation. Or at least I'll keep it to a minimum.

Time to sit back and rake in the Google-fueled attention!

And if Google brought you here (just like all those fine people looking for "Kat Von D Naked"), please... feel free to check out the rest of my blog. Who knows... you may end up accidentally having a good time.

Mr. & Mrs. Serious Voter Debate Voting For Obama, O'Reilly Style

(SCENE: The kitchen of Mr. and Mrs. SERIOUS VOTER. Mr. SV is sitting at the table, reading the Sports section of the newspaper, which he holds upside-down. Mrs. SV places a frozen chicken finger in the cat's food dish.)

MR: Me am confused by Presidential politics!

MRS: Me am too! Me am not sure which Barack Obama to vote for!

MR: Me want more choices from a President. Barack Obama not be like John McCain. John McCain be tortured when McCain am prisoner of war. Him big hero! Now McCain am in favor of torture so him look tough on terrorists! Him big bully!

MRS: John McCain give us choice of John McCains to vote for!

MR: McCain like choices!

MRS: (Sweeping away starved corpse of the the cat) And McCain NOT like choices! Him change mind, him say Constitutional amendment overturning Roe V. Wade am now good idea!

MR: Him call Jerry Falwell "an agent of intolerance" then him kiss Falwell's ass and hire Falwell's debate coach!

MRS: Him co-sponsor campaign finance reform bill... then him NOT support own bill!

MR: See? Lots of McCains to choose from! Obama? Just one Obama. Me not sure which Obama to vote for.

MRS: Me vote for Obama who states a position, or Obama who follows through on what Obama say?

MR: Me am confused by only one Obama! (repeatedly smashes a sealed can of beans against his forehead) And me am hungry! Ow! Hungry hurts!

MRS: Me try to open beans! (Looking in refrigerator) Hey! Shotgun am not in fridge! How me open beans?

MRS: (Excitedly) Look! Bill O'Reilly am on TV!

MR: Him help us make informed choice!

MR & MRS: (chanting) No spin! No spin! No spin!...

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The "Bill O'Reilly Quote Of The Day" Translator

Hmmm. People should read up on Plato before they vote? People should know they have a world-view? They should know what it is? They should understand how preconceptions influence perceptions? The USA (itself not a living being with a central nervous system) nonetheless has a world view? America sometimes gets it wrong? Jihadists, in seeking an ordered world based on their perceptions, nonetheless want LESS order?

Oh, right. Barack Obama is the enemy of America. Um, I guess it really is "that simple," Bill.

Bill O'Reilly is always at his most straightforward and easy to understand when he speaks on matters that are truly near and dear to him. Like this...

Ashley "Kristen" Dupre: Diary Of A Monster

January 1st: Happy New Year, diary! 2008 is going to be fantastic, I just know it. I'm so happy, I started singing in the shower, and thought about how uber-cool it would be to be an R & B singer. Or maybe a model. Someone famous enough that someone will talk about me and offer me money just for being ME. Note to self: find a way to get into the recording industry without having to blackmail someone. After all, I'm not a monster.

January 8th: Client 12 is a music producer. He says that it's really hard to break into the music industry because it takes, like, lots and lots of talent. "What about Nelly Furtado?" I asked, which was a huge mistake because for the rest of the night he insisted I wear a strap-on and refer to myself as "Timbaland." I charged him extra... hope he doesn't think I'm some kind of monster.

January 27th: Client 3. He's some kind of publisher guy. I asked him about getting a break and appearing in Playboy or Penthouse. He didn't seem interested in helping me. All he could do is bitch about how his nun's outfit got all wrinkled and stuff in his suitcase on the flight from LA. He was so annoying about it, I had to charge him extra. Now he probably thinks I'm a monster or something.

February 2nd: Client 8 is a publicist. I asked him what that meant, and he said it meant that he makes people famous, and makes famous people more famous. The crap some guys will tell ya just to be impressive! Jeez. Client 8 went on and on about his work, until he finally passed out from the Scotch and Oxycontins. He usually tips pretty well, so I went ahead and grabbed a little extra out of his wallet while he was sleeping. I left most of it there though. I'm not a monster!

February 13th: Client 9. Pays well, but always starts out with the same joke. "Hi, I'm Spitzer. And for the money this is costing me, you'd better Swallow'er." Ha ha. Then he insists I tell him how big his wang is. "It's a monster! it's a monster!" I yelled. He loves that.

March 3rd: I hate work. $1100 an hour sounds like good money, but I want more. I want to be BIG. I pray every night that Jesus will send me a way to make it big without having to work so hard. Not even a monster deserves to slave away like I have to. Note to self: KY Jelly is on sale at Wal-Mart.

March 11th: The phone won't stop ringing! It turns out that Client 9 is, like, the governor of New York State or something like that. It's all over the news, and I can't keep up with my new Friend Requests on Facebook, which sucks. But now I have an agent, and it looks like a movie deal, an album, and a nude photoshoot are in the works! Life is great, and I got it all just from going to work and doing my job.

I just don't want to be thought of as a monster...

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FEMA Lies Make Baby Mothra Cry

More proof that the indomitable will of Mothra will not be denied:

Although US Government lies by press conference are so common they're (apparently) not noteworthy any more, FEMA external affairs chief John Philbin has been fired for holding a fake news conference about fake news with fake questions from fake reporters. Specifically, the fake news conference was addressing all the fake aid being made immediately available to all the wealthy, predominantly white victims of California's recent wildfires. This is in contrast to the real news conferences about all the fake aid to the predominantly black victims of Hurricane Katrina.

As this is a global-warming-related issue, Mothra has directly interceded, crushing Philbin's career, like a bug.

Mothra, Guardian Spirit of the Earth, smites you FEMA! Beware her wrath!

China Vs. The Boy Scouts

Want more proof that globalization is bad for kids? We're not talking about the usual Wal-Mart Flip Flops Of Rash-Covered Doom this time:

Now China is poisoning The Boy Scouts.

Here's some rainy-day fun for you: here's the Boy Scouts Law. See how many of these China, those who would cheapen us all with globalization, and those who apologize for them are breaking!

TRUSTWORTHY
A Scout tells the truth. He keeps his promises. Honesty is part of his code of conduct. People can depend on him.

LOYAL
A Scout is true to his family, Scout leaders, friends, school, and nation.

HELPFUL
A Scout is concerned about other people. He does things willingly for others without pay or reward.

FRIENDLY
A Scout is a friend to all. He is a brother to other Scouts. He seeks to understand others. He respects those with ideas and customs other than his own.

COURTEOUS
A Scout is polite to everyone regardless of age or position. He knows good manners make it easier for people to get along together.

KIND
A Scout understands there is strength in being gentle. He treats others as he wants to be treated. He does not hurt or kill harmless things without reason.

OBEDIENT
A Scout follows the rules of his family, school, and troop. He obeys the laws of his community and country. If he thinks these rules and laws are unfair, he tries to have them changed in an orderly manner rather than disobey them.

CHEERFUL
A Scout looks for the bright side of things. He cheerfully does tasks that come his way. He tries to make others happy.

THRIFTY
A Scout works to pay his way and to help others. He saves for unforeseen needs. He protects and conserves natural resources. He carefully uses time and property.

BRAVE
A Scout can face danger even if he is afraid. He has the courage to stand for what he thinks is right even if others laugh at or threaten him.

CLEAN
A Scout keeps his body and mind fit and clean. He goes around with those who believe in living by these same ideals. He helps keep his home and community clean.

REVERENT
A Scout is reverent toward God. He is faithful in his religious duties. He respects the beliefs of others.

Larry Craig Is Gay. Larry Craig Is Not Gay. Larry Craig Is Guilty. Larry Craig Is Not Guilty...

Larry Craig announced he'd be resigning from Congress September 30th. Larry Craig has now announced he's riding out the last 15 months of his term.

Finally: honest, straightforward Republican leadership!

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn't see him there at all

Why hasn't the American Right collapsed into a terminal bout of cognitive dissonance yet?

Ann Coulter Is A Single Female, And Is Therefore Stupid And Shouldn't Vote, According To Ann Coulter

Oh Ann Coulter, you stupid girl.

If you need any more proof of the creeping neuropathy afflicting the American Right, look no further than Ann Coulter. Prepare yourself for more stupidity from the author of "If Democrats Had Any Brains They'd Be Republicans" which hits book store shelves like a big flaming sack of crap today.

Here's the current state of Ann's brain, according to a recent interview with her The New York Observer:

-In the rush to blame Bill Clinton for 9/11, we've overlooked the complicity of History's greatest Monster: Jimmy Carter:

"Jimmy Carter got the whole thing started, Bill Clinton let it build, build, build, build, build. He wouldn't deal with it, because he had no credibility on deploying the military. He was a pot smoking draft dodger, and so when he was presented with credible evidence that this or that country was behind a terrorist attack, he’d just have to look the other way: “No, don't let me hear that. Call in Monica!”

...which raises the question: did Jimmy Carter secretly direct Ronald Reagan's foreign policy for eight years? And if so, why isn't Jimmy taking credit for the fall of the Soviet Union? Oh, right: Jimmy's too busy building hiding places for al-Qaida in Georgia.

-Ann Coulter doesn't trust members of her own (alleged) gender:

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women."

You're right. All single women are idiots except you, Ann honey. It's utter stupidity to let those left behind most by the US economy in the last decade vote. Well, second most, anyway. Why didn't Ann have the cojones to invoke Jim Crow while we're at it? Of late there's been more noise about using Voter Registration to keep poor folks from voting... why not add a quick, Olympic-style gender test at the polls?

-And finally, this twisty bit of non-reasoning as to why "The Left" (read: "living organisms") treat Global Warming like it's their "religion" (read: "an established fact"):

"Because we can't prove them wrong for a thousand years, and I think the other thing about it is, it goes back to Chesterton’s statement: that when people stop believing in God, the problem isn't that they believe in nothing, it's that they'll believe anything. And that's what you constantly see with people who don't believe in God: They're always imitating the most ridiculous, primitive religions. And it is like a primitive religion, thinking if we just change these lightbulbs, we can change the temperature of the ocean. It's the craziest thing! Even primitive people wouldn't believe something that silly."

Funny, I thought "they" had been "proven right" a few years ago. Of course if Global Warming is a religion, then climatologists must be its priests. You can hide a lot of collection plates under those lab coats, you know. I'm just disappointed Ann didn't write us a list of which religions are the ridiculous, primitive ones. I'm guessing "Pentecostal" isn't on her list. Off the top of my head, I'll bet she's referring to voodoo.

You know, the one where you make a false image of something you hate and attack it from the comfort of your own home, rather than confront the issue directly. Ann, of course, knows better than to use pins and dolls, when a word processor is so much less work.

Ideology is one thing, but the American Right is acting more and more all the time like there's an actual neurological issue. Ann has recently lost the ability to understand basic human social behaviour. Rush Limbaugh continues to slander the troops his ass pimple wouldn't let him join, and Bill O'Reilly continues to lie about liars lying about him.

This sort of thing worries me. What if it's contagious? Never mind the Democrats... someone call House!

And isn't it amazing that a stupid girl like Shirley Manson of Garbage could have written a song about stupid girls like stupid Ann Coulter years ago, with hardly any help at all from boys?

What drives you on

Can drive you mad

A million lies to sell yourself

Is all you ever had...

Rush Limbaugh Pulls His Patriotism Out Of His Ass

It may be time to invent a new word: neocrit.

Neocrit (noun): a neocon hypocrite, particularly one who makes a living selling it to the rubes.

Examples: Bathroom sex enthusiast Larry Craig (who awaits a court ruling on whether or not it's possible to write laws but not understand how even the basics of the law works) 9/11 "hero" and terror pimp Rudy Giuliani (who is now milking the corpse of the World Trade Center nine dollars and eleven cents at a time), and upholder of the law/accused child molester wannabe John David Roy Atchison, whose Myspace page describes him as an "experienced, understanding, Daddy.” Feel free to vomit: I know I do.

Today's neocrit example: Rush Limbaugh.

Rush, who of course is anti-gay (especially when it comes to Elliot Sanders, who claims to have had a gay fling with Rushy in 1971) has recently decided to show some of his special brand of tough love to those US troops in Iraq who, after having gathered first-hand evidence, have decided that the war is a bad idea.

Or, as Rush likes to call them... "the phony soldiers."

Real patriots, of course, fall into two categories: those who follow orders without question, and those like Rush who would love to have the opportunity to kill Godless foreigners, but just couldn't. In this case, Rush slipped past the draft because of, literally... a cyst on his ass. He tries to deny it, of course. But denying it doesn't make it less true.

Sure. Maybe a boil on his ass kept Rush from doing his patriotic duty.

And maybe it was completely innocent when he travelled to the Dominican Republic with four men and 29 Viagra tablets mislabelled as belonging to someone else, leaving his wife behind in the US of A. Beats me. I'm not a proper journalist like Rush Limbaugh: I just look up facts and verify them.

Yahoo Answers: A Safe, Nonjudgemental Place For Republican Senators To Discuss Their Love Lives

(Click it. It gets bigger. Try it... you'll like it)

(If you're into astrology... more of my "Dumb Yahoo" answers HERE!)

Legal Eye For The Hypocrite Guy: Larry Craig Ventures Into The Men's Room Of Justice

It's true: Republican lawmaker and washroom sex enthusiast Larry Craig is waiting for a judge to give him a shot at undoing his guilty plea, thus proving he isn't gay or something.

I can hardly wait to see what The Puppet Press has to say about all this. We already know that Ann Coulter is eager to roll in this particular stink. But for the most part the Bush Fifth Column seems to be keeping away from this no-win scenario. The best I've found so far: Kristen Fyfe, whose defence of Larry Craig consists of pointing out that San Francisco's Folsom Street Fair is coming up, and liberals won't be making a big stink out of that.

Maybe if there was a big parade of gay people who had voted loudly and repeatedly to outlaw themselves we would, Kristen.

Seriously, though: have a look at townhall.com some time. You'll find such wonders as:

Michael Medved's near-defense of American Slavery. "WHILE AMERICA DESERVES NO UNIQUE BLAME FOR THE EXISTENCE OF SLAVERY, THE UNITED STATES MERITS SPECIAL CREDIT FOR ITS RAPID ABOLITION" (stop shouting, Mike!). Yeah, Medved: it only took a Civil War. Besides, there was lots of slavery before America... and we all know how America loves using the pre-1700s Muslim world as a role model.

Dennis Prager, who points out that since both liberals and conservatives are capable of lying, therefore liberals are lying weasels.

Mary Katharine Ham, who points out how foolish and out of touch with the world Columbia University was to invite Ahmadinejad... just like they didn't have their finger on the pulse of an important (but distasteful) issue like Hitler, whose ambassador they played host to in 1933. Way to not spot someone of significance, stupid Columbia University with your stupid classes and stupid books and stupid freedom of expression!

Finally, Michael Barone, who favours us with this toxic bonbon:

"Polls show that the public approves of Petraeus' performance and endorses his recommendations for going forward with the surge -- the first margin of approval for the administration's course of action in a long time."

Hey! I think I just figured out where Ted Byfield gets his sources from! It's the same alternate universe Michael Barone lives in!

You know... the one where Spock has a beard...

Roger Ebert and Bill O'Reilly Review "Redacted"

(All Bill O'Reilly comments are taken from his review of "Redacted"... which he hasn't actually seen yet)

ROGER: "Redacted" is the latest from master director Brian DePalma, lavishly filmed and--

BILL: DePalma wants the world to see this horror in living color.

ROGER: It's an exploration of American foreign policy, reduced to very intimate personal terms.

BILL: Speaking before journalists in Italy, DePalma said: "The movie is an attempt to bring to reality what's happening in Iraq to the American people ... the pictures are what will stop the war."

Here's how stupid that statement is: Overwhelmingly, American forces in Iraq have behaved with restraint and are trying to protect Iraqi civilians from terrorists who blow up women and children. That is the reality, pal. Your movie takes the exception and attempts to make it the rule.

ROGER: Yes, but every war has seen its share of atrocities. It's not the sort of thing anyone really plans... it just happens. That's war. It's one more reason to avoid war in the first place.

BILL: "Redacted" will play around the world and may well incite young Muslim men, already steeped in hatred toward America and the west, to act on their hatred.

ROGER: You don't think the invasion of Iraq was provocation enough to cause that? You honestly think someone is going to build a pipe bomb and use it because a Brian DePalma movie pissed them off? How many people do you figure were needless killed because of widespread disappointment with "Resident Evil: Extinction"?

BILL: The American military is doing important, noble work. Brian DePalma and the others who back him should be ashamed.

ROGER: So, my question is... if freedom makes us superior to them, why are you opposed to it?

BILL: My question is, why make a film like this? Most people will avoid it; who wants to see that kind of stuff? It definitely smears the military, and may even put our forces in physical danger. Why do this?

ROGER: It's called "freedom of expression." It's what makes our way of life superior to those of the fanatics, and surrendering that freedom is "collaborating with the enemy" as surely as handing them a gun.

BILL: It's freedom of expression, they say. Well, just because you have the right to do something, doesn't make it right.

Fair-minded Americans should realize that in any war, mistakes will be made; horrifying things like Abu Ghraib will happen. These things need to be dealt with, but not exploited for political gain.

ROGER: How is being anti-atrocity political? That implies that those who support the war must be pro-atrocity. I think people owe it to themselves to see this film.

BILL: They are hurting their own country.

ROGER: Okay, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I give it "thumbs up." Next, we review "Good Luck Chuck" with Jessica Alba, a romantic comedy in which --

BILL: -- a bunch of far-left Hollywood loons want to denigrate the country!