Sunday, September 30, 2007

Bill O'Reilly: Come And Get One In The Yarbles, If You Have Any Yarbles!

Insulated as I am from the world... covered in a thick blanket of socialized medicine and pot-smoking gay people married to each other... I've found it easier to ignore the angry noises made by Bill O'Reilly than it is for my dear friends to the south of here. But of late I've noticed that O'Reilly isn't merely a political commentator, he's also a film critic, having typically fair and balanced opinions on, among other things, films he hasn't actually seen yet.

Bill has also issued a challenge to his critics, saying that, if he could, he'd "strangle these people and not go to hell and get executed ... I would -- but I can't." Among other things, Bill is tired of Big Media implying he's a racist. After all, we all know that black people don't listen to his radio show anyway. That's what he says. Big Media "ran up to Harlem and they fed black Americans bogus [Bill O'Reilly] quotes" because "Now, the black Americans up there, they didn't listen to The Radio Factor."

Way to not generalize about black folks, Bill.

I honestly don't know if Bill O'Reilly is racist... at least I can't prove my suspicions. But I do know movies, and I know movie reviews, and there's a field of endeavor where I can back up my assertion that Bill O'Reilly is a loudmouthed, empty-headed idiot. And since Bill has physically threatened Big Media (lock your door tonight, Big! Make sure Mrs. Media and the kids don't let any strangers in), I thought I'd be polite and offer up a piece of Little Media as a practice run. Namely, me.

Bill: you are an idiot who apparently wouldn't know a decent movie if you saw one.

But of course, you don't even know how to read a review. Here's the August 23rd critique of Ricard Roeper's article about "High School Musical 2":

"In said column, Mr. Roeper says that he doesn't believe critics would hammer High School Musical simply because it is wholesome. Roeper goes on to say that conservatives might distance themselves from the movie because it embraces 'liberal' (his word) values like tolerance and interracial dating.

That's right, Richard, all those mean conservatives would never like anything tolerant, would they?"

Now, here's what Roeper actually said:

"'When will Hollywood learn that films without sex and obscene language frequently sell like hot cakes?' asks the Culture and Media Institute.

You mean films 'The Lion King' and 'The Little Mermaid' are profitable? Who knew? Hollywood already realizes there's a market for family films -- just as there's a market for hard-R films such as '300' and 'Superbad.' Family-friendly movies such as 'Finding Nemo' and 'Ratatouille' make hundreds of millions for the studios -- and TV shows such as the super-corny 'American Idol' and the Disney Channel's 'Hannah Montana' are hugely profitable as well.

One more thing for the conservative movement to consider before they get too attached to the "High School Musical" franchise: It could be argued that the primary messages contained in both "High School Musical" movies are quite liberal.

As one parent and certified Disney-phile told me Monday, 'As wholesome and family-friendly as these films are, both 'High School Musical' films promote tolerance, interracial dating and rejection of elitism -- all "liberal" themes that drive those religious right-wingers nuts.'

Let the backlash begin!"

That wasn't conservative-baiting, Bill. But it was thoughtful of you to twist something that backed the notion that Hollywood knows it can make money off of kids into what you wanted it to say. Too bad you didn't finish the job and point out the blatant themes of family violence in "The Lion King" and the interspecies lust of "The Little Mermaid."

Frankly, I'm surprised Bill hasn't rushed forward yet to defend one of the greatest movies ever made about traditional conservative values... namely, the conflict between individual rights and the good of a larger society. Maybe one of his PR monkeys will read my blog and invite Bill to write a review.

Here's a clip. Come and get it, Bill, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil!

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