Friday, August 31, 2007

The 2008 Presidential Election Has Already Been Hijacked, And It's Too Late To Stop It

Republicans are firm believers in the power of globalization, and not just cheap, shitty, toxic Chinese imports either. It turns out that Election Systems & Software, a major manufacturer of election machines in the US, isn't exactly assembling their systems entirely in the US. Instead, the job is being outsourced to identity-theft hotbed The Philippines.

ES&S officially claims that their machines (which will determine the next President based (allegedly) on the votes that are input) are built by five US subcontractors. What ES&S didn't bother to tell the Federal Election Assistance Commission is that one of the companies, Pivot International of Lenexa, Kansas, outsources assembly work to Philippine-based manufacturer Teletech. Just like Telus, a Canadian company which is gradually sending more and more of itself overseas while maintaining a fiction of economic patriotism.

There don't appear to be any concerns that putting employees to work for under three bucks a day might make them vulnerable to bribery attempts. Nor has much been said about the really crappy touch screens that tend to malfunction, particularly in humid environments like Manila. Or Miami. You can find an hour-long documentary by Dan Rather about the problem HERE. Take the time to watch it, and find out for yourself just how far down the rabbit hole goes.

You'd think more journalists would have said something about the huge potential for both errors and outright fraud. Like, say, The Washington Post.

They did, and were gagged.

Oh well. At least the voting machines built by Diebold are all-American.

Here's how to hack a Diebold machine:

Finally, a prediction. One of the stories you'll hear the day after the election will be the big upswing in votes for third-party candidates, like Pat Buchanan used to be. Most of the media will claim this will be because of voter dissatisfation with the mainstream parties (which is certainly reasonable). But when those stories hit, ask yourself this: if 60 percent of the people vote Democrat, 35 percent vote Republican, and 5 percent vote "other," what happens to those results when a bad touch screen or a hack randomizes those results? You got it... a "big upswing" in third-party voting.

Just you wait.

Welcome To Alberta. Now Shut Up!

Provincial Conservative Craig Chandler, who wants to be elected to represent the riding of Calgary Egmont has a message for newer Albertans:

If you want to be an Albertan, vote Conservative.

A recent round of door-knock campaigning has left Mr. Chandler concerned that the hordes of foreigners infesting Alberta from such strange and uncivilized lands as Vancouver and New Brunswick don't know what's good for them, or good for Alberta. Too many of them seem to think they can just come here and vote Liberal.

'“You came to here to enjoy our economy, our natural beauty and more,” Mr. Chandler wrote in a recent blog.

“This is our home and if you wish to live here, you must adapt to our rules and our voting patterns or leave. Conservatism is our culture. Do not destroy what we have created.”"

This will come as a surprise to most recent Albertans, who were probably under the impression that they had moved to some part of Canada... one that just happens to be sitting on top of a lot of oil, thus the booming economy. As for "the rules," I wasn't actually aware that voting Conservative was actually written into the rules to being Albertan. Maybe King Ralph passed a decree on his way out.

Crazy foreigners! No real Albertan would be worried about sustainability or infrastructure or social reform or greenhouse gas emissions or affordable housing or public transit, would they, Craig? What next, people... a Maoist rally?

Oops, never mind that. We've got the next best thing: lot of Wal-Marts.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Wal-Mart Flip-Flops Induce Rash

A Texas woman named Taylor Vanover has discovered the high cost of low prices. A one-dollar pair of flip-flops have induced a rash bad enough that she went to Emergency with it. Others are reporting the same symptoms.

The country of origin? China, of course. Storm management at the Gun Barrel City Wal-Mart (it's Texas: that's the place's real name) advised her to... get this... contact the manufacturer.

Good thing they didn't tell her to contact "the responsible party." I looked: there's no phone number listed for "huge conscienceless corporate greed."

UPDATE: Latest news HERE!

Ann Coulter On Alberto Gonzales, And Chinese Propaganda About Tibet: A Comparison

I find it fascinating that, no matter what kind of totalitarianism we're talking about, the stink of the apologists is much the same. Consider the case of Ann Coulter's latest column: a defense of Alberto "No Recollection" Gonzales.

Here are some recent points from about how things are better in Tibet since China's genocidal invasion and occupation (sorry... "repatriation") in the 1950's, followed by some tidbits from the latest steaming lump of Coulterness about America's Greatest Attorney-General In Recent Memory (recent being the last week or so). Compare and contrast:

"Lamaism follows a strict hierarchical system that requires students to obey their master, contending that this system prevents people from developing their own personalities."

Kids, I recall a guy named Mao. It seems to me he wasn't really a big fan of "doing your own thing" either.

"...the door of consultation and dialogue on the personal future of the Dalai Lama is always open if he truly gives up his pursuit of "Tibet independence."

"We'll listen as soon as you start saying something we want to listen to."

"...the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress (NPC) stressed the importance to unswervingly adhere to the people's congress system and the system of regional autonomy of ethnic groups in Tibet Autonomous Region."

"The guards have promised to respect the autonomy of your head as they are clubbing it."

And now, some recent points from Ann Coulter about US Justice:

"-- Innocent people put in prison by Ashcroft: 0
-- Innocent people put in prison by Gonzales: 0
-- Innocent people put in prison by Reno: at least 1 that I know of"

Of course, Janet Reno didn't have the Homeland Security provisions that Ashcroft and Gonzo had, so maybe, officially, Ann's right on this one.

"-- Number of obvious civil rights violations ignored by Ashcroft: 0
-- Number of obvious civil rights violations ignored by Gonzales: 0
-- Number of obvious civil rights violations ignored by Reno: at least 1

On Aug. 19, 1991, rabbinical student Yankel Rosenbaum was stabbed to death in Crown Heights by a black racist mob shouting "Kill the Jew!" as retaliation for another Hasidic man killing a black child in a car accident hours earlier."

By definition (having eliminated so many civil rights) Ashcroft and Gonzales can't really be said to have ignored any civil rights violations... right? Besides, there aren't any US citizens locked up in Gitmo, are there?


"Number of 6-year-old boys deported to totalitarian dictatorships by Ashcroft: 0
Number of 6-year-old boys deported to totalitarian dictatorships by Gonzales: 0
Number of 6-year-old boys deported to totalitarian dictatorships by Reno: 1"

Ah, little Elian, how we miss you. It was terrible, that mean old government sending you back to your nasty father. At least we've heard of you though. If you had fallen into the hands of the CIA's "rendition program" of smuggling suspected terrorists out to countries more willing to use torture than the US to interrogate you (a shorter list than it once was), you may have suffered in anonymity. No one deserves that.

Except, maybe, Ann Coulter.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Tap Your Foot Repeatedly If You're Anti-Gay Marriage

Here's Senator Larry "I'm Not Gay!" Craig's mugshot. You know... the guy with the incredibly consistent anti-gay voting record.

This gives me a chance to run the incredibly gay video "Gay Bar" by Electric Six, featuring the gayest bunch of Abraham Lincolns you're likely to see any time soon.

The Romneying: A Tale Of Future Horror (A Review)

I can get paid more if I recommend that you click on specific Google Ads. So let me heartily endorse the most terrifying work of horror fiction I've encountered since "The Stand": "Mister Powerpoint Goes To DC" at

"Mister Powerpoint" is set in an alternate universe where the US Constitution was suspended after a terrorist attack in the early 21st Century. Unlike most dystopian fiction, this story takes place at the crucial point where the new regime, consisting of a largely unelected cabal of special interests (most of whom are connected to the oil and/or military industries) are attempting after eight years of power to solidify their interests once and for all.

The protagonist of this tale, a Mormon dog-torturer improbably named "Mitt" (I'm uncertain of the author's symbolism, but I think it has something to do with "catching whatever Halliburton pitches"), is a candidate for President. "Powerpoint" is a software program that is commonly used in Mitt's world to reduce complex ideas into simple, bite sized phrases and pictures that (although they do nothing to truly address the issue at hand) does a remarkable job of suppressing actual thought.

Let me give you an example. Suppose this "Powerpoint" had been developed in our universe, in 1930s Germany. Imagine the following presentation:
  • Problem: Jews
  • Solution: Eliminate
  • Questions?
(You'll notice there is no real room to argue with the above. It's a fascinating concept, but is ultimately just a new take on Orwell. The problem with re-inventing Orwell always seems to be that Orwell got there first.)

The Powers That Be in this alternate universe take notice of Mitt's "willing(ness) to pursue—and analyze—data that others wouldn’t bother to chase down." This is presented as a contrast to the current President, who (it is implied) suffered some form of cocaine- and alcohol- related brain damage in college.

Like Hitchcock when he made "Psycho," the author of "Mr. Powerpoint" knows that the most horrifying things are best kept off-screen. The torture and suspension of civil liberties this system is built on is downplayed in this work. The fictional America presented here is held together by a paranoid fear of other countries, so much so that the populace has both willingly and unwittingly handed over most of their Constitutional rights to the government. How far are we in the real world from the frighteningly plausible character of Mitt?

The author implies that, under the right circumstances a population that has spent eight years under a neofascist dictatorship with a buffoon as its figurehead, a new figurehead with the appearance of intelligence and charm could solidify the regime's power permanently.

As speculative fiction goes, it reminds me of Robert Heinlein as a business student, made paranoid by Philip K. Dick's stash of speed, but with less incest. And the lead character is worthy of Bret Easton Ellis.

I give it five werewolves out of five!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I'm No Ebert

I've always had a great admiration for film critics who do their job well. I love movies, and can talk about them for hours, but seem to have a hard time putting one simple declarative sentence in front of another to properly describe the experience.

So, just take my word for it about this. I've been working on this review for months, and this is all I can come up with:

Speaking as someone who has watched and loved movies (especially science fiction/speculative films) my entire life, I can honestly say that "Children Of Men" is the best science fiction movie ever made.

So see it.

Romney'ed In The Men's Room: Sen. Larry Craig Stumps For Support

Republican US Senator Larry Craig was busted yesterday for attempting to solicit sex in an airport men's room.

Of course he denies the whole thing. "In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously." ("Handling oneself quickly and expeditiously" is, apparently, what the kids are calling it these days.)

Fortunately for the Senator, the Chironboy Hidden Cam was there, concealed innocuously in a poisonous Chinese-made toy in the trash can, and was able to capture the, um, action in glorious detail. Craig is described as a "top Senate supporter" of your friend and mine, Presidential candidate and animal torturer Mitt "More Gitmo For Your Dough" Romney. The hidden video reveals Senator Craig was engaged in another illicit act: Republican fundraising. Here's a transcript of the audio:

SEN. LARRY CRAIG: (sitting down on the toilet) Man, airport security is crazy these days.

UNDERCOVER COP: (in the stall to Craig's right) Um... yeah.

LC: The lines for security are so... long. And security is so... hard... to get through.

COP: Yeah. I know what you mean.

LC: Coming to the airport is kind of like sticking your dick into a glory hole... you never know what you're going to get, but it usually turns out all right.

COP: What?!?

LC: I refer of course to an anonymous sex technique commonly employed by homosexual males. (Tapping his right foot impatiently) I could stand to feel better right now. How about you?

COP: Are you propositioning me for sex?

LC: Hey, all I'm saying is that it's a big lonely world, and here we are: two strangers at the airport with nothing better to do. (slides his foot under the stall to tap the left foot of the cop) And I've got something that'll make you feel lots better right here.

COP: I'm finding this experience awkward and uncomfortable.

LC: Everyone does, the first time. But I'm sure it's something you've thought about, isn't it? Even though you were brought up being told it's wrong, you always wondered if maybe it wouldn't feel really really good, in a dirty, nasty way.

COP: To tell you the truth, I never really considered --

LC: Sure you have. We're all brought up to believe in certain things. We're told that there's a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things... and as we grow up, we sometimes find out that the things we were taught aren't always true. Sometimes doing something you know is flat-out wrong by some people's standards can be fun. Hot. Sexy.

COP: Are you trying to get me to--

LC: Yes. (reaches down and waves a Mitt Romney pledge card under the divider at the cop) I'm here to ask you to support Mitt Romney for President. His policies on the use of torture and enthusiasm for Homeland Security has me all hot and excited as hell, and I'd like you to whip out your wallet and --

COP: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law...

Monday, August 27, 2007

Alberto Gonzales Resigns!

Alberto "I Don't Recall" Gonzales has announced that he is resigning.

I have no new shtick about this. One of the main apologists for the Bush regime is gone, finally. John Edwards said it best when he said "better late than never."

There may not be words to describe how I feel about the beginning of The Fall Of The House Of Cheney, so here's a visual aid instead:

Fresh Dribblings From Ted Byfield

This week, Ted "Old Skool" Byfield takes on the forces that would corrupt our precious bodily fluids... the pushers of bottled water.

Ted's pissed off about all the people he sees roaming the streets drinking bottled water and is of the opinion that it's all a scam based on one of the most treacherous handmaidens of the Liberal Media... science. Or is it marketing? He can't seem to make up his mind entirely. Nah, it must be science. Marketing makes money; science is just the seductive siren song of Satan, wrapped in a slinky lab coat. Unless we're talking about a global warming skeptic. Now that's the kind of science you want to take on The Ark with you!

Byfield presents this snippet from an imaginary marketer about 25 years ago, which (to his thinking) must have unleashed this trend:

"'Tell 'em it prevents cancer. Tell 'em it protects against AIDS. Tell 'em it's a means to safe sex. Tell 'em if they aren't drinking five or six bottles of water a day, they're taking their life in their hands. Tell 'em that every bottle of water they drink adds another day to their life. Tell 'em anything. They'll believe it. Don't you know? We're the most scientifically knowledgeable generation in human history'"

Personally, I always thought the ubiquitous water bottles were more a sign of people's mistrust of a quarter-century of civic infrastructure neglect and increasing pollution, but maybe that's just me.

At first this sounds like the same ham-fisted anti-everything stance that appears to be lodged in the Byfield DNA. But then I went over Ted's body of work the last few years -- and what a terrifying, wrinkled body of work it is! -- and realized to my horror that Ted is right about something. I guess the old saying about "even a broken clock is right twice a day" has some truth to it. So many of us are suckers, Ted. But not because we drink bottled water.

The same kind of imaginary fear-mongering and sucker-baiting that lead to The Bottled Water Invasion can easily be used to explain why people remain hypnotised by such bastard children of The Liberal Media like evolution or promiscuity or foreigners or uppity womenfolk. After all, bullshit fear-mongering moved a lot of copies of Ted's Alberta Report in its time.
In a previous entry I wrote about how Ted could now be replaced with a simple algorithm. Add a few guiding principles like that and I could resurrect Alberta Report myself.

See? More proof Ted is losing it. He's given away his playbook!

To All My Dear, Sweet, Tasty Subscribers And Facebook Readers

The weekend crisis which saw the unexpected death and resurrection of my blog may have unforseen consequences for those of you who read this via subscription or from Facebook. Those who just drop by will just see the new articles, unless you scroll down to see the old posts that I will be painstakingly re-posting in reverse chronological order over the next few days/weeks.

You subscribers and Facebookers out there will have a chance to both recieve new blog entries and will be re-exposed to a lot of stuff from The Golden Age of this blog.

"Six months ago" is a "Golden Age" in Internet terms, isn't it?

Besides, resurrecting my blog gives me an excuse to run this underrated gem from 1981... "Joan Crawford" by Blue Oyster Cult.

Catholic school girls have thrown away their mascara
They chain themselves to the axles of big Mac trucks
The sky is filled with herds of shivering angels
The fat lady laughs, "Gentlemen, start your trucks!"

Oh no, no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Joan Crawford has risen from the grave!
Joan Crawford has risen from the grave!

Christiiiiiiiina... Mother's home...

Sunday, August 26, 2007

More Proof That Chimps Are Better Than Humans

If you were a regular reader of The Further Adventures Of Chironboy (and I am pleased at how many of you were) you may have noticed that the last six months of my babies have vanished.

I am reasonably convinced my blog -- six months worth of my mind and soul -- was made extinct by the same force I now suspect was responsible for the fall of Rome, the extinction of the dinosaurs, and the end of decent network news coverage: destroyed by a vengeful ex.

In somewhat-related news, a recent study indicates that chimpanzees do not experience spitefulness the same way humans do.

So much for evolution.


Friday, August 24, 2007

America Wins The War On Terror, And Jenna Bush Is Not Pregnant

It's (not) finally official.... Jenna Bush is (not) a few months pregnant and is getting hitched to longtime (but not-serious) boyfriend Henry Hager. Jenna and Hager, who in 2005 Mama Bush said wasn't Jenna's "serious boyfriend" are officially engaged to be married.

However, there's no official word yet on Project Bushbaby -- Jenna's apparent pregnancy. This is despite the growing photographic evidence of Jenna's recent weight gain, which is mysteriously concentrated in the abdominal region, and keeps expanding... just like wiretaps under Homeland Security. And, like those wiretaps, we are being gently discouraged from asking too many questions.

The Family Values Party has all the reason in the world to keep this quiet, and has lots of experience when it comes to denying the obvious. I think it's a damned shame, since for all the scandal and cover-ups and lies and political fuck ups and pure vileness the last seven years have brought out of Washington, it would be nice if at least one such incident had a human quality to it. Cheneyville puts on a hell of a war, but isn't so great at the "human" thing.

Since no one in this picture wants to 'fess up, and since The House Of White has done such a crap job with covering things up, I thought I might be neighborly in this time of familial need and offer up some cover stories.

(You can thank me later with an invitation to the wedding, George. I can see you there now, beaming with pride from behind your "World's Most Dangerously Incompetent Grandpa" coffee mug.)

-It's not a pregnancy; it's just an abdominal infection from a pair of Chinese-made Wal-Mart panties.

-Good news everyone! We found Bin Laden, and you won't believe where...

-This is not a pregnancy. It's another example of the bloated bureaucracy left behind by the Clinton administration.

-It's just a Halliburton-sized beer belly.

-It's not a baby. Whatever it is though, you'll have to ask Cheney. Wanna make an appointment for an interview? He loves answering questions!

-That's where Mitt Romney's dog is hiding.

-Relax and concentrate only on the sound of my voice. Jenna Bush is not pregnant. Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. Saudi Arabia is our friend. Iran is our enemy.


Since no one wants to step up to the plate on this one, I've decided to formally announce that Jenna is in fact pregnant, and I am the father. We all know the Bush Administration will screw anyone they can and deny it. So why not me?

C'mon, think about it, Jenna... you and your Daddy may both be "damaged goods" but I'll take good care of you, despite the Bush family's disdain for Inconvenient Truths.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Hot, Dirty Republican Love

The Republican Party has a long way to go when it comes to attracting the youth vote. Although there are lots of ways that older folks can participate in youth culture, today's kids just don't seem to care for those old-time fascist values like Mom and Dad did.

Given how popular it is for large organizations and governments to screw with Wikipedia to save their reputations, why not use the same principle to tinker with Urban Dictionary and give the Republican hopefuls instant street cred by turning their names into sexual slang terms?

Ron Paul: to be uncertain of one's gender or sexual orientation, like someone who runs like a Libertarian for the Republican Party.

Example: "Tad decided to start dating Mindy, but next thing you know he'd ronpauled off to the bath house again."

Sam Brownback: To engage in specific sexual acts because of an opposition to both contraception and unplanned pregnancies.

Example: "Alice was ready for intercourse, but Hal was too conservative, so he turned her over and brownbacked her instead."

Rudy Giuliani: To engage in sex with and/or marry a somewhat-close family member, like a second cousin, and then claim lack of knowledge in order to avoid blame.

Example: "Frank banged his Aunt June's daughter at the reunion. Then he giulianied, blamed the spiked punch, and said 'she doesn't even look Italian.'"

Mike Huckabee: To want to score but not stand a chance, despite prolonged efforts.

Example: "No matter how drunk Tim got that lesbian supermodel, his whole evening was a huckabee."

Duncan Hunter: To engage in anonymous sex.

Example: "Who did I get the genital warts from? Who knows? Hell, it was an orgy. Some Duncan Hunter or other..."

John McCain: To compromise one's principles in order to participate in a gang bang.

Example: "My wife would kill me if she knew, but everyone else was doing it, so I McCained."

Mitt Romney: The act of turning one illicit act between two people into a group activity (also referred as "the Double Guantanamo")

Example: "Dave! Bob! This hooker is still passed out! Let's romney her!"

Tom Tancredo: To restrict one's affections and sexual activities to within one's own national group or culture; to be repelled by Mexicans.

Example: "Doug was going to score with Consuela, until she couldn't produce her papers. Then he totally tancredo'ed on her and left."

Fred Thompson: To experience uncertainty, inability, or confusion in the middle of a sexual act as to whether or not one is actually having (or wanting to have) sex.

Example: "Are you in or are you out? Do you need Viagra, or are you trying to be a thompson?"

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Mitt Romney: And I'll Get Your Little Dog Too

Now that we've established that Mitt Romney doesn't know global warming half as well as the average Brooklynite does of late, let's take a closer look at Mitt's other beliefs:

-Strongly pro-choice. Mitt boldly (for a Republican) proclaimed in 2002 that "I respect and will protect a woman's right to choose. This choice is a deeply personal one. Women should be free to choose based on their own beliefs, not mine and not the government's." Also, it turns out that Mitt's mom, Lenore, the Senate in the 1970's with a strongly pro-choice agenda. Her son-in-law's sister died as a teenager from a botched illegal abortion.

-Strongly anti-choice. When the Republican candidates were recently asked what their biggest mistake was, Mitt replied: "Probably from a political standpoint and a personal standpoint, the greatest mistake was when I first ran for office, being deeply opposed to abortion but saying, 'I support the current law,' which was pro-choice and effectively a pro-choice position. That was just wrong."

Strangely, Romney appears to be in favour of stem cell research, but he's been hedging of late. His support for it may have something to do with his wife having multiple sclerosis. Or that may be the reason for his hedging. Maybe he's just too polite to divorce his wife when she's terminal, like Newt Gingrich did. Now that's leadership!

-Strongly pro-war. "Double Guantanamo!" Honestly, "double Guantanamo" could be a winning campaign slogan. Also considered but rejected: "More Halliburton for your buck!" and "Illegal Combatants: Auschwitz-O-Licious!"

-Strongly anti-war: Well, at least when it comes to his five sons, all of whom are too busy keeping the world safe for democracy by campaigning for Dad. Just for the record, it was Mormon missionary work (in France!) that kept Mitt out of Vietnam. Which is a shame: he might have had a chance to discuss foreign policy at length with John McCain, had they ended up sharing a cage.

-Strongly anti-prissy: criticized John Edward's momentarily-famous $400 haircut. "You know I think John Edwards was right. There are two Americas. There is the America where people pay $400 for a haircut and then there is everybody else."

-Strongly pro-prissy: Paid $300 for "communications consulting" (or so it was reported in his elections expenditures) to a company called Hidden Beauty... for makeup. Yes, really.

-Strongly pro-animal cruelty: Tied his dog to the roof of his car for a twelve-hour road trip. Yes, really.

-Strongly anti-animal cruelty: He believes in keeping his pets happy. The dog “...scrambled up there every time we went on trips, got in all by himself and enjoyed it.” Yes, really.

It's strange how people think Mitt might not be electable because he's Mormon... yet not a word when it comes to his being a Cardinal in The Church Of Douchebag.