Tuesday, February 19, 2008

More Fun And Useful Vagina Facts That The March 2008 Cosmo Didn't Cover

Singer Rihanna on the cover of the new Cosmo, in a daring yellow outfit that highlights her bright pink va-jay-jay.

-"Vagina" rhymes with the capital of the province of Saskatchewan. Unless you have one, and a love-starved combine operator has you cornered in a bar in Moose Jaw... in which case, your vagina is the capital of Saskatchewan.

-Although often referred to as "dirty," the average vagina is actually cleaner (in terms of both dirt and bacteria) than the hands or mouth. This raises certain questions about the advisability of shaking hands, and the logical alternatives.

-Shortages on the front lines in World War Two led German scientists in the 1940s to attempt to create an artificial vagina. Although never a complete success, "Projeckt: Mittromney" went on to win Michigan and a few other States in the 2008 Republican Primaries before conceding.


Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Happy Valoween!

It's time to simplify your calendar by combining two seasonal occasions into one. I hereby declare February 14th to be "Valoween." That way, people can get all the chocolate and all the deception out of the way all at once. Example:

"Honey, I've never regretted a single day with you. You're every bit as sexy as when we first met. And look, I'm a pirate! Yahrrr!"

In future years, Valoween activities will include:

-Bobbing for phone numbers

-TPing a loved one's house with hundred of photocopies of that photo of them with their ex that they refuse to get rid of

-Door-to-Door Six Minute Dating:

"Trick or date!
Ignore my weight
Hope you've got a good job
Because I need a

(Or, alternately, "Ask me my name and then let's mate," depending on your gender.)

I think this has enormous marketing potential, and I am taking on investors.

Now, here is a visual guide to cutting through the crowds when shopping for Valoween gifts for that special someone...