Beijing Olympics Results, Day One: The 1500 M Smog Dodge

EIGHTH PLACE:

"The expert advice that we are getting is that the situation continues to improve."
-Simon Clegg, British Olympic Association (UK)


SEVENTH PLACE

"Haze does not mean poor quality air."
-China Daily web site (CHINA)


SIXTH PLACE:

"I haven't heard from any athlete that they're not going on with the job."
-AOC VP Peter Montgomery (before any events)(AUSTRALIA)


FIFTH PLACE:

"Most of the smog here is evaporation. It's due to humidity."
-Arne Ljungqvist, chairman of the IOC medical commission (SWEDEN)


FOURTH PLACE:

“The pollution levels are coming down."
-Jacques Rogge, AOC Chairman (BELGIUM)


BRONZE MEDAL:

"I suffer from asthma, and I'm having to take supplements to protect my lung lining"
-Alison Williamson, Archery (UK)


SILVER MEDAL:

"The weather conditions aren't conducive to the dispersal of pollutants,''
-Guo Hu, Beijing Meterorlogical Observatory (CHINA)


GOLD MEDAL:

"If Chinese officials do succeed in temporarily 'clearing the air' in Beijing for the Olympic Games, one is left to wonder what Chinese will say if . . . severe air pollution once again is allowed to return. Will they interpret this to mean that there can only be Potemkinized clean air for foreign visitors?"
-Orville Schell (US)

Now, please rise for the Olympic Anthem:

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Facebook Shuts Down Scrabulous: How To Not Win Friends And Influence People

Facebook has shut down access from The U.S. and Canada to Scrabulous, a Scrabble clone that has turned out to be an insanely popular feature with Facebook users, myself included.

If you've been following this story at all, you'll know that this is a matter of copyright infringement, and that in North America "Scrabble" is owned by Hasbro. Hasbro has, of course, known about Scrabulous for some time, and could in theory have shut it down earlier.

I assumed (ha!) that one of the reasons Hasbro held off on taking this action was because they knew that Scrabulous is popular with hundreds of thousands of users. Since Hasbro was working on a Facebook-friendly online version of the game, it would make sense to wait until their application was ready to roll before pulling the plug on the clone. Whether or not Hasbro was losing money because of Scrabulous is debatable. But if you are going to yank a product that a lot of people really like for purely legal reasons in order to replace it... the replacement should work.

Ahem.

Users attempting to install the Official Scrabble application are getting this message today:

We're working on some tech problems and Scrabble will be ready to play as soon as possible!

We appreciate all the great feedback we've received over the past week and as a result we're making changes to Scrabble for its official launch in mid-August, including a streamlined app with the option to turn-off animations for faster gameplay and full keyboard functionality for those who prefer this way to play.

Please continue to let us know how we can make Scrabble - the best word game on Facebook - even better!

"The best word game on Facebook"? You mean, the other word games don't work at all, either?

As it stands, the games are off. And I couldn't help but notice that the "official" application is called Scrabble Beta. As in, "it's unlikely this thing is going to work nearly as well as a completed product should."

Besides... I was about to play "sequoias" on one of my games. Do you have any idea how many points that would have been worth?

So, despite months to plan ahead, Hasbro has resoundingly dropped the PR ball. But I'm willing to forgive you for now, Hasbro... just like I forgave you for selling me that copy of Cranium Cadoo that was covered in deadly Chinese lead-based paint. And don't even get me started on that Easy-Bake Oven problem with the third degree burns and the partial finger amputations on five-year-old girls.

Oops. Guess that was kind of cheeky of me to mention that. "Cheeky"...that's an 18-point word. A shame I can't use it now...

Please Ignore The Children's Corpses: Enjoying Your Italian Vacation

Italy has found a way to steal some vacation business from The Beijing Olympics, with a fun-loving nationwide re-creation of the golden age of Italy. No, no the Roman Empire part... the fascism and genocide part.

Here are some of the exciting events you'll see:

-The registration and identification of ethnic minorities (ie, the Roma (Gypsy) population

-The peaceful silence as the European Union and the rest of the world does absolutely bugger all about it!

-Mysterious deaths of ethnic minorities where local officials take the patently ridiculous first story they hear that claims it was "an accident."

-Hand out racist leaflets. You have the backing of Italy's courts. Who knows... it might even help you get elected mayor, like Flavio Tosi, the mayor of Verona!

Coming soon: free train rides and tattoos!

Here are some handy Italian words and phrases for you to use while enjoying all the fascist, genocidal charms that bella Italia has to offer:

"Mussolini was a good man, and he made the trains run on time":
Il Mussolini era un buono uomo, e ha fatto i treni corrono in orario.

"Ignore the economy... there are strange-looking people next door!"
Ignorare l'economia! Ci sono le persone di guardare strane vicine!

"All Gypsies are thieves."
Tutti gli zingari sono ladri.

"They drowned. There was no crime."
Hanno annegato. Non ci era crimine.

"Don't worry. The rest of the world isn't paying attention. This happened before, in Germany."
Ne preoccupazione. Il resto del mondo non sta prestando attenzione. Ciò è accaduto in Germania.

See? Even hatred sounds better in Italian. Memorize these phrases and hateful attitudes and you'll fit in perfectly! And of course... you'll want to fit in, in Italy. Look what happens if you don't.

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Sympathy For The Diesel - A Love Letter To (Most Of) The People In Oil And Gas

A recent article in The Globe And Mail attempts to explain the peculiar mood among the people of the oil and gas industry in Calgary. Despite record oil prices and record profits, there is an unusual mood of unease among the individuals working in the industry.

Unfortunately, I think an otherwise thoughtful and well-written piece has mostly missed the point. The usual concerns that make the Business section of a newspaper are all there: will prices hold? Is now a good time to make an acquisition? Do we expand, or stand pat? Will there be new regulatory concerns? And so on.

I believe there's another reason for the frowns and worry lines crossing the faces of oil and gas people here in Calgary. The same article, written for the Lifestyles section of the paper, would have an entirely different spin. Yes, there is a dark mood brewing among the people who work in the petrochemical business here. I've seen this mood a lot, having recently had the chance to work among a large number of Calgary's oil and gas people. And, for the most part, I don't believe any of it is directly caused by any of the above stated reasons.

Even in a relatively open and democratic company structure, decisions about company strategy are not usually the concern of most employees. For every one high-level decision maker, there are many engineers and secretaries and assistants and accountants and receptionists and so on. They are in the majority, and I believe their general mood is slowly filtering upwards, as opposed to the usual "boss has a bad day, everyone has a bad day" dynamic.

And why is this? Not only are the underlings the ones who have to struggle with three dollar loaves of bread, expensive gasoline, and ever-dimming public opinion . The main reason is entirely simple, and I can demonstrate it to you in four simple steps:

1) Find someone who is an employee of an oil and gas company. Start a conversation with this: "So... how long have you been working in oil and gas?" Your test subject will then answer with "(X number of) years."

2) Refer to the following handy table, showing the change in price per barrel since back in the day:

CHANGE IN PRICE OF A BARREL OF OIL IN THE LAST X YEARS ("Y")

Since 20 years ago: +580%
15 years ago: +400%
10 years ago: +360%
5 years ago: +370%
4 years ago: +380%
3 years ago: +210%
2 years ago: +185%
1 years ago: +140%

3) Ask your friend/neighbor/acquaintance: "So, in X years of work, has your income increased by Y, just like the price of the commodity you work with?"

(Trust me, the answer will be "no." Anyone in oil and gas who is in a position to say "yes" isn't going to be getting involved in a personal conversation with riff-raff like you or me.)

4) Then ask: "And during that X number of years, do you find you've been working harder, or less hard at your job?"

(The answer here is almost certainly going to be "harder.")

5) Pause thoughtfully... perhaps rubbing your chin in a scholarly manner... and say something like: "Hmmm. In a free market, SOMEONE must be getting rich off of what you do. I guess it isn't you though. How does that make you feel?"

Now, sit back and enjoy the show as the truth of the matter... whether the person you are talking to has consciously thought of it in these terms or not... bubbles to the surface like Jed Clampett's Texas Tea.

Of course the world needs energy. The problem is petro-power is not the energy being most egregiously wasted here. There is a source of energy more powerful (and less exploited) in Alberta that could change things for the better. Here: Public Image Ltd. wrote a song about it back in the 80s... when oil was 20 bucks a barrel...

(Don't) Let Them Eat Pancakes -- The Assholification Of The Calgary Stampede

The city of Calgary is once more in the grip of its annual Big Party -- The Calgary Stampede. Every year a large portion of the city dresses like ranch hands and glorifies a way of life that primarily existed before the popularization of the internal-combustion engine... where it existed at all.

I moved here about twenty years ago and, like many newcomers, I was fascinated by the tradition of "the Stampede Breakfast," in which various sponsors -- businesses, mostly -- would serve up free pancakes and sausages and juice packs to all who were willing to show up early in the morning and stand in line. I was intrigued by the concept. It was nice to know that the people making money in this town, back when oil was an outlandish $20 a barrel or so, were willing to share a little something with everyone else, even if it was only a tax-deductible token gesture.

The whole notion of Calgarians being better or more generous people than others because they come from "a Western tradition" or because "they're cowboys at heart" is a lie of course, but some lies can be ennobling. And I admit I am a sucker for free food.

Twenty years later, the Stampede Breakfast concept is still going strong. I've seen five of them in the last three days. Hardly anything has changed.

Except that since I got here some twenty years ago, the average person's real income adjusted for inflation (in this town where everyone works so frantically) has gone down about 50 bucks a year. The banks and oil companies who usually host Stampede Breakfasts? Their profits are setting records. And now oil is $145.00 a barrel.

Put another way: a barrel of West Texas Intermediate is now worth about six months income for one of the Chinese slaves made to stitch the Wal-Mart purchased boots and shirt of every faux cowpuncher lined up for those free scrambled eggs.

One more thing that's changed? The five Stampede Breakfasts I've seen in the last three days have all had big "PRIVATE FUNCTION" signs posted in front of them. That, and security guards to keep away the homeless, the wage slaves, and the riff-raff.

I wonder: if Tsar Nicholas II were to appear at one of these early-morning pancake flip-offs, would anyone recognize him? Probably not. There's no money to be made off of dire warnings from the past.

See that homeless guy over there? Ride 'em cowboy. Ride him until he bucks you off.

Happy Valoween!

It's time to simplify your calendar by combining two seasonal occasions into one. I hereby declare February 14th to be "Valoween." That way, people can get all the chocolate and all the deception out of the way all at once. Example:

"Honey, I've never regretted a single day with you. You're every bit as sexy as when we first met. And look, I'm a pirate! Yahrrr!"

In future years, Valoween activities will include:

-Bobbing for phone numbers

-TPing a loved one's house with hundred of photocopies of that photo of them with their ex that they refuse to get rid of

-Door-to-Door Six Minute Dating:

"Trick or date!
Ignore my weight
Hope you've got a good job
Because I need a mate!"

(Or, alternately, "Ask me my name and then let's mate," depending on your gender.)

I think this has enormous marketing potential, and I am taking on investors.

Now, here is a visual guide to cutting through the crowds when shopping for Valoween gifts for that special someone...

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Are You There, Joseph Farah? It's Me, God

Dear Joe:

Thanks for all the prayers. I'm glad you liked the titanium golf clubs, but you don't need to thank me: they were a business write-off for one of your clients. But thanks for the thought anyway.

Misdirection is actually the reason I'm writing to you today. I read your recent column at World Net Daily about evolution, and I think it's time I cleared up a few things for you.

First of all, biblical literalism: I know how you guys love to bend and stretch things to fit the exact words you see in that Bible in front of you. That's why you folks are constantly pushing the notion that the universe is about 6000 years old, based on Bishop Ussher's interpretation of the Old Testament.

Joe: science has moved on a little since the 1600s. I can prove it, too. You, for example, have a web site ...not a scroll.

I understand that you feel the need to defend your faith. That's great. A lot of good has come from that in its time, even if much of it has been from people like Mother Theresa who secretly doubt Me. And you'd be amazed how many perfectly nice atheists there are out there. Honest!

What I'm trying to say here, Joe, is that you have a brain. Whether you want to blame that fact on Me, or on Evolution, don't you think it's a shame you aren't using it? Again: faith is one thing, but doing crazy intellectual back-flips to justify the letter of the law but not the spirit? That's the sort of thing that pisses me off. It makes me blowing-up-Gomorrah cranky, but of course that's not really my style.

Surprise!

Joe: think. Biblical literalism has its limits. Or are you trying to tell me you don't eat pork and regularly "suffer not a witch to live"?

Seriously, dude. Think about it.

Anyway, I have to go now. There's a planetary nebula in Andromeda that's turning out really nicely, and I want to go watch. Try to be a little smarter and kinder to each other, okay? It would be a terrible disappointment if you guys gave in to your own worst instincts and blew each other up.

Of course, if you do, I have some amazing plans for the bandicoot in about four million years. They'll do me proud at least, I'm sure.

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Genocide Is Wrong

I know genocide is wrong. You know genocide is wrong. There's no question in my mind. Is there any in yours?

Then why would George W. Bush condemn a puffball non-binding House Resolution calling the extermination of a sub-set of your species exactly what it was... genocide?

Don't give me any of the "political" reasons. I want to hear a human reason.

Otherwise, you're next.

A Million (Or More) Corpses

Imagine yourself shooting a complete stranger. Someone you don't know, and someone who doesn't know you. Bang. He dies.

Another stranger pops up immediately. You shoot her. Bang.

Another one. Bang. Another one. Bang. Your magically-reloading gun fires once every second. Bang. And it goes on for hours and hours. You find you don't need to sleep: you just stand there, wide eyed and unthinking, your trigger finger contracting once a second, every second, day and night.

On the evening of Day Twelve, you receive a progress report.

You're not done yet.

Welcome to George W. Bush's Iraq.

I'm Outsourcing It: Meet The Future Mrs. Chironboy

CHIRONBOY: Hello... is Elena there?

ELENA: Da, here is Elena.

CHIRONBOY: Elena! Hello. This is Chironboy calling.

ELENA: Hello Chironboy! I was looking at your pictures. You have large, beautiful house!

CHIRONBOY: Yes. I bought it for my Mom.

ELENA: You are very kind and generous man!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah. Actually I just live in the basement there, but it's pretty much the same thing.

ELENA: I see. You want to be married, da?

CHIRONBOY: Da. I've already made up my mind, and it's you! I just have to ask you a few questions first.

ELENA: So romantic, this is, da?

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, just a few points to clear up. I notice you're a Taurus.

ELENA: Da. Book says we are kind, loving people.

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, well, when you're over here, you're going to be a Scorpio.

ELENA: But this is not my sign!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, but I have a load of "Scorpio" t-shirts left over from an old girlfriend with a shopping addiction. I'm not about to spend more on this than I have to. I notice here it says you're an administrator.

ELENA: Da, I oversee large manufacturing concern here in Odessa. I have three years, University of Odessa!

CHIRONBOY: That's nice. When you fill out your immigration paperwork, you'll need to spell "administrator" differently. Do you have a pen?

ELENA: Da.

CHIRONBOY: Over here, we spell "administrator" H-O-U-S-E-M-A-I-D.

ELENA: Bozhe moi! This is not sounding right. I feel you dismiss me too cheaply. I am intelligent, beautiful woman. Very capable. You treat me as if I am disposable commodity. I am person. You should be respect for me!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, technically you're right, babe. I used to work for a place that thought like you. Then they discovered that they could outsource my job (and others) for cheap. They get (almost) the same kind of service for much less. And they don't have go through a lot of crap with stuff like benefits and dental plans and job security.

ELENA: This is terrible! This is thing that... what is English word?... demeans everyone involved.

CHIRONBOY: That's globalization for you, sweet cheeks. It's everywhere, and there's no stopping it. I've got the bucks... and you've got the ass, at a fraction of the price I'd pay for someone here. Plus, you have lower standards. It's a win-win, babe! So get your sweet Russky can over here. You need to learn how to mix a margarita for me.

ELENA: (after a long pause) I love you Chironboy. We make babies soon, da?

CHIRONBOY: That's the spirit, babe. Here's what we're going to name them...

Ted Byfield Saves The World From Education, Again

Once more, Ted "Socialists hiding in my truss" Byfield has turned his unique journalistic, um, gifts to the subject of public education, which is apparently the main reason why all Canadians live today under the oppressive boot of Liberal Humanism.

This week Ted is onto the threat of publicly-funded Islamic schools, just like in New York where Khalil Gibran International Academy threatens to teach Muslim kids such subversive Arab (sorry... A-rab)killing skills as algebra and astronomy.

A brief synopsis of Canadian educational history: Canada became independent in 1867, not through revolution but through paperwork. Part of the deal was support for public schools, with an option preserved for specifically Catholic schools. You know... Catholic schools, the ones where Frank Zappa immortalized the female students. You can find them in lots of places, not just Canada. There's a bit of a debate going on in Ontario, where there's an election campaign, involving the financing of Islamic schools, just like they do Catholic schools.

I've fished out the tastiest peanuts from Ted's latest column... put on a bib:

"The most telling argument against Tory's proposal -- that this would mean publicly subsidizing Muslim schools where wild-eyed imams could urge young males to donate their lives to Allah by blowing up buildings and murdering their fellow Canadians -- could not, alas, be invoked. How bigoted this would sound. How intolerant, how insensitive, how illiberal -- even if true.

So if you can't call attention to the Muslim peril, even if there is one, then what peril can you call attention to?

Obviously, to the Christian peril, even if there isn't."

Just like CNN, Ted hasn't quite grasped the notion that public schools have a curriculum that is generally steered by a public school board. Again: public. So if blowing yourself up is taught in an Islamic public school, the same subject can be taught anywhere else. Likewise, if some of those Liberal dupes on the board decide that teaching Pipe Bomb 101 is against the public interest, it won't be replacing Chemistry class any time soon.

So I suppose if there is not a "Muslim peril" it's fair that newspapers don't make a fuss about it. But Ted's proclamation that neither exists, therefore he'll complain about the Muslim portion, is unusually fair-mined for our Mr. Byfield.

I'm pretty sure I saw sabretooth-tiger tracks in my yard last night, so I'm going to sit by the window with my shotgun. You never know... they could have really been velociraptor tracks... and we all know from recent events what a menace dinosaurs can be.

Another thing Ted's right about: worrying about non-existent threats is a waste of time. Worrying about them and then making up another one to justify it, though... that's a hobby. Except most hobbies don't waste as much newsprint as Ted's does.

I myself went to a public school... but many of my dates came from Catholic school. Whether it was the inherent logical paradoxes of orthodox Catholicism that made those girls skeptical of what they were told about chastity, or whether teen hormones trump doctrine, or whether is was just those little plaid skirts making me try harder, is beyond me.

The point here is that those students at that school didn't really turn out any different than I did. As a matter of fact, it's been my experience that raising a child in a doctrine-intensive environment is as much a recipe for turning them against those principles as it is for making them into little dogma-bots. It seems that God implanted everyone with at least a little capacity for independent thought, and some tiny fragment of irony.

Everyone, that is, except you Ted. Of course, I doubt that your kind of blinkered, reactive hostility to new ideas was what God had in mind when he shoved your ancestors out of the trees, a couple of million years back.

"I have learned silence from the talkative,
tolerance from the intolerant
and kindness from the unkind.
I should not be ungrateful to those teachers."

-Khalil Gibran

Ann Coulter Is Larry Craig's Fag Hag

You knew it was only a matter of time until Ann Coulter squeezed out one of her pearls of wisdom regarding Senator Larry " Cruisin' " Craig's men's room polling practices.

We all know by this point that a Republican could fart on an orphan and Ann would insist he should charge for aromatherapy. But her defence of Larry Craig has Ann twisting like dangling chads on a rigged Florida ballot. To wit:

-"There is nothing liberals love more than gay-baiting, which they disguise as an attack on 'hypocrisy' "

Busted! Larry Craig's hatefully consistent anti-gay voting record makes him the perfect target for a good old-fashioned fag-bashing.

This must be how Ann stays so skinny. She's spending her grocery money on airplane glue.

-"The New York Times ran 15 articles on Craig's guilty plea to "disorderly conduct" in a bathroom. The Washington Post ran 20 articles on Craig. MSNBC covered it like it was the first moon landing -- Three small taps for a man, one giant leap for public gay sex!

In other news last week, two Egyptian engineering students, Ahmed Abdellatif Sherif Mohamed and Youssef Samir Megahed, were indicted in Tampa on charges of carrying pipe bombs across states lines. They were caught with the bombs in their car near a Navy base. "

-You ever been to Florida? Oh right... you sometimes lie about living there. Saying that someone was arrested in Tampa "near a naval base" is like saying someone who lives in Rome lives near "a major religious leader." A big chunk of the Tampa area IS a naval base! I'll bet there are lots of Arabs working in corner stores and offices and car dealerships and in repair trucks suspiciously close to a naval base in Tampa, too.

The real news story everyone was missing was how twenty-five years of largely Republican-driven globalization has left your country lacking in manufacturing jobs, your markets flooded with deadly cheap slave-made Chinese imports that your Wal-Martized economy now can't live without. Also, China hacked The Pentagon's computers.

For god's sake Ann... it's the fucking Commies. You Republicanoids used to at least be good for pointing out ONE semi-legitimate menace.

Also, thinking that two pipe bombs could do any serious harm to a US Naval Base would also require using a crack pipe, Ann.

-"If liberals were any happier, they'd be gay."

If they manage to muster the balls for a few impeachments, they'll be flamingly happy.

-"Liberals said the only reason Republicans were not blanketing the airwaves defending Craig -- maybe running him for president -- was because of Republican "homophobia." After howling with rage all week about gay Republicans, to turn around and call Republicans homophobes on Friday was nothing if not audacious."

Funny, I heard just as much coverage as you (presumably) did. The questions I heard were about the judgement of a man who got caught trying to get laid in a place where people go for a crap, whips out his Senate business card to try and get away with it, then plead guilty, then tries to back out of it, then announce he's "not gay" as if that were the crime. Although, given that Craig wanted to amend the Constitution to prevent gay marriage, you're going to have a hell of a time defending the notion that "homophobia" isn't a Republican family value.

-'Underlying the (Republicans') hurry to disown the senator, of course, is the party's brutal agenda of trumpeting the gay-marriage issue. To the extent Sen. Craig, a stalwart in the family values caucus, might morph into a blatant hypocrite before the voters' eyes, he reflects on the party's record in demonizing homosexuality. The rush to cast him out betrays the party's intolerance, which is on display for the public in all of its ugliness."

Liberals don't even know what they mean by 'hypocrite' anymore. It's just a word they throw out in a moment of womanly pique, like "extremist" -- or, come to think of it, "gay." How is Craig a "hypocrite," much less a 'blatant hypocrite'?'

It's like this, Ann honey: if you make a big deal out of opposing something and saying it's morally wrong, and then you sneak around in men's rooms looking for it... you're a hypocrite. A blatant one. Do you know what "hypocrite" means? Ask your Mexican maid. I'll bet she knows.

So what is the real reason there's no deafening gallop of Republicans rushing to his defense? Because it's a fool's errand. That's what they keep you around for, Ann.

-"Did Craig propose marriage to the undercover cop? If not, I'm not seeing the 'hypocrisy.' "

Oh, Consuela! When you're done with the dishes, bring the dictionary. Señora Coulter needs to look up both "hypocrite" and "semantics." Better get a highlighter and point out "twat" to her too.

-'If the charges against Craig are true -- and that is certainly in doubt -- he's a sinner (and barely that, according to The Idaho Statesman), but he is among the least hypocritical people in America.'

Put that scrub brush down, Consuela, you're needed now.

The Thomas More Law Center: Defending Ignorance

Once again, Khalil Gibran International Academy is provoking a gut level reaction against the horrors of Islam, or education, or something like that.

The Thomas More Law Center (which according to my favourite crazies at World Net Daily (which seems to be taking over from the recently-defunct Weekly World News as America's premiere voice of reason) "...defends and promotes the religious freedom of Christians as well as time-honored family values and the sanctity of human life," has promised that they will "monitor the school in order to ensure that it comports with state and federal law. We are concerned that the city is setting up a segregated, separate but equal public school system: one for Islam and another for everyone else.”

Thanks for turning your laser-like focus and vast resources on these important questions regarding a public school, guys. As I pointed out in a previous entry, it's a public school. Public. That means that there's lots of that information already out there, cleverly concealed in a series of tubes. But it's good to know there's high-priced legal talent keeping an eye on these things too.

In the meantime, no word yet on whether Shuang Wen School (a Chinese dual-language public school in New York City) will be turning their students into little America-hating subversives, dedicated to producing defective Chinese condoms or some other attempt to pollute The West's precious bodily fluids.

Maybe the Thomas More folks should just open their own school. I could even write their final exam questions in history class for them!

1) The enemy is:

• a) Eurasia. Eurasia has always been the enemy.
• b) Eastasia. Eastasia has always been the enemy.
• c) Me. I'm a terrorist. Please forward the remainder of the test questions to Guantanamo.

As always, it's people's petty differences that tear us apart. Khalil Gibran was a Christian; so is Thomas More Law Center spokesman Brian Rooney. Sadly, Gibran was a sensitive and gifted writer. Rooney's just an idiot.

And once again, the Rooney name stands for quality education!

Khalil Gibran International Academy: Hotbed Of Evil (Except During Lunch And Recess)

The big news on CNN today is the opening of Khalil Gibran International Academy, an Arabic-language public school in New York City.

People are afraid that because it's Arabic (one of 70 dual-language schools in NYC, but the first Arabic one) the curriculum will naturally consist of shouting "Down With America" and firing rifles off instead of the Three Rs. As of this writing, everyone on CNN seems to be in a bit of a flap because no one can find an official curriculum. Although it is a public school, you never know when someone's going to slip "Improvised Land Mines 101" onto the course list.

Well, here's their web site, Blitzer. You hiring any researchers? I'm available. (Here's a hint: it's a New York Public School. Thanks to the lax Clinton Administration, such things are now public knowledge!) Do some reading: you'll find lots of subversive stuff like "The school’s goal is to prepare students for college and successful careers and to foster an understanding of different cultures, a love of learning, and desire for excellence in all of its students."

If you couldn't find that, I doubt any of you at CNN have actually read Gibran. I have. A shame you haven't: you missed such pathological shrieks of Islamic hatefulness as "An eye for an eye, and the whole world would be blind" (subversive!) and "I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion" (super subversive!) and "Many a doctrine is like a window pane. We see truth through it but it divides us from truth" (hyper-mega-Democrat-subversive!)

Rumour has it they may be teaching the ancient, deadly Arabic art of al-Jabr, which has been used to (among other things) calculate the trajectory of missiles and bombs for centuries with terrifying accuracy.

Meanwhile, those silly old Liberal dupes at The BBC are chasing after some spurious crap about China having hacked The Pentagon's computers.

Jeez, people... get your threats straight!

Nuke A Mosque For Democracy: The Bizarre World Of "World Net Daily"

(click on the picture for maximum obnoxiousness)

I remember when I was a kid... long before the Internet... when I used to wonder whether there was a way to clearly identify the dangerously crazy people. I never had a problem with craziness, per se. It was the dangerous ones that had me concerned.

Problem solved: gaze ye upon the wonder and horror of World Net Daily.

The poll results to the left are answers to a reader's poll from a couple of weeks ago. The question? "Should U.S. threaten nuclear annihilation of Muslim holy sites for deterrence?"

It's bad enough, I suppose, that over 80% of WND readers are in favour of "nuking holy sites" as if there were a nuclear weapon with the kind of selectiveness to, say, vaporize all McDonalds but leave all Burger Kings unharmed in a given target area. The fact that we're talking about over 80% of 6807 people is downright chilling.

(By the way, "WND" really is short for "World Net Daily," not "Weapon Of Neurological Destruction.")

Of course it's not all genocidal fun and games at WND. Here are some pearls of wisdom from some of WND's regular contributors...

-Pat Boone (yeah, that Pat Boone) on what's wrong with teenagers today. The reason he and his wife were able to raise "...Four beautiful young women [who] passed through their mom's loins and our household, entertained millions around the world, never touched pot or got drunk or developed a smoking, cursing or drinking habit … and came to their marriage partners as virgins"? They had jobs!

Bonus ickiness points for "passed through their mom's loins and our household" as if there was an obstetrics table in Pat's kitchen and a greased chute leading from it all the way out the front door.

-WND Founder and Rush Limbaugh collaborator Joseph Farah, who gives us this: "I thought newspapers and media types had long ago abandoned any pretense at neutrality or even-handedness when it came to global warming. I thought they had all long ago signed on as Al Gore scare-mongers. Could somebody point to an American newspaper that is still reporting on climate change with a skeptical or even balanced perspective?"

Well, it isn't a newpaper Joe... but how about New Scientist?

That, and lots of tastiness from Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, and Hal "The Apocalypse Will Be Here By 1975 At The Latest -- It's In The Bible!" Lindsay.

Oh, and Ted Byfield's regular "Oh! Canada" column. You know I'm going to give that one it's own blog entry...

A Life Lesson From Science Fiction: I Dream Of George Orr

When I was a teenager one of my favourite science fiction novels was "The Lathe Of Heaven." It was about a man named George Orr whose dreams can shape reality. Say you have a dream you're married to your favourite celebrity... only to wake up in bed next to him/her. Sounds like fun until your first nightmare, or dream where someone you cared about died, or whatever. As a result of this George Orr develops a stimulant dependency, in order to avoid dreaming.

George gets sent to a psychiatrist who specializes in dreams. The psychiatrist soon figures out that George isn't crazy.

Naturally, the psychiatrist does what any thinking person in his position would do: he hypnotizes George Orr to take control of his dreams, and begins re-shaping the world to his order.

One of the last requests the psychiatrist had was to eliminate all racism and intolerance. The solution George's subconscious mind comes up with is to turn every man, woman and child on the face of the Earth the same pasty shade of grey.

I thought the novel was brilliant, but in my heart I just knew that one day we'd all learn to get along regardless of pigmentation. After all: long before I read "The Lathe Of Heaven," I was a Star Trek fan. "Surely to God," I thought to myself, "we'll eventually get past our urge to divide up into tribes based on skin color and culture and religion and such. And certainly, the more educated we get, the less likely we'll be to engage in that kind of stupidity."

Maybe I was wrong.

Fighting The Jewish Menace -- Um, I Mean "Gay Menace" (UPDATED)

George W. Bush's nominee for Surgeon-General, Dr. James Holsinger, sort of has a problem with gay people. In January 1991 he authored a paper for that bastion of scientific inquiry -- The United Methodist Church -- in which he stated "the structure and function of the male and female human reproductive systems are fully complementary… When the complementarity of the sexes is breached, injuries and diseases may occur."

Of course, the Bushites are rushing to defend him. And hey, let's give the man a chance, shall we? Just because he's using a rational-sounding and scientific-sounding approach when he considers gayness to be wrong, that certainly doesn't mean it'll affect public policy in any obviously anti-gay way, right? As a matter of fact, I'm sure that being gay in America will be better than ever. Dr. James Holsinger is, after all, a good Christian.

Good Christians never, ever go off the rails with their prejudices, do they?

"People are always saying that our National Socialist racial thinking is materialistic, unchristian, chauvinistic, imperialistic, and that it leads to the defamation of foreign races and peoples. The opposite is the case. We believe that our racial policy is the surest guarantee for mutual respect and for peaceful coexistence between the peoples of this world. Someone of another race is different from me both in body and soul, for both are important. This makes no value judgment about other races. We are too conscious of the relationship between our own blood and our own race to presume to make such a judgment, which could only come from a standpoint that thought itself above race and humanity."

-Dr. Gerhard Wagner, Reich Physician Leader, 1936

Just you wait: if this clown makes it to the confirmation hearings, he'll insulate himself in his religion like a cockroach in a bag of flour.

UPDATE, August 28/07: The nomination process continues unhindered. It seems Republicans only approve of gay sex if it's a Senator, and if he's in a public washroom.

Lou Dobbs Vs. The Mexican Menace!

Apparently, CNN has decided to compete with Fox News for the all-important Dangerous Crackpot demographic.

If you're in the habit of watching Lou Dobbs, you may have noticed he's turned into Johnny One-Note of late: Mexicans, Mexicans, Mexicans. Illegal immigration seems to be catching on as a popular subject in the States lately, and should we be surprised? Xenophobia with a Salsa beat is a hell of a lot sexier than boring crap like spying on innocent civilians, Medicare reform, and that thing with the guns off in the desert somewhere (the Good Guys are still winning, right?).


I honestly don't understand the American attitude towards immigration. Whenever the subject comes up, I am reminded of my Amazing But True real-life experience with the subject.

I lived in Minnesota once, for a while. The population there is heavily skewed to the Scandinavian... as a matter of fact, I recall encountering more black folks in Saskatchewan. For various reasons, my girlfriend at the time and I spent a great deal of time in restaurants. After a while I noticed that every place we ate at, whether high-end or an IHOP, had a lot of people of Latino descent there. They weren't customers though... they were cleaning the tables and washing the dishes and (occasionally) flipping the burgers.

One day I commented on this to my girlfriend. Specifically, I had noticed that all the customers that day had blonde or red hair (other than her, her two kids, and me), and that the employees were all black-haired. I mentioned this the same way I might notice a preponderance of tall people or left-handers in a room. It seemed like a statistical anomaly.

"They're Mexicans," she said, poking the contents of her overstuffed club sandwich back into place with her finger.

I sat there and thought about this for a few seconds. "Mexicans get preferred employment?" I ventured. Silly Canadian...

She looked at me like I was some sort of Silly Canadian. "They're Mexicans. What else would they do?" she said in the same gentle tone she would use if she were explaining to a beloved but brain-damaged child why policemen wear police uniforms.

I paused. This woman wasn't an idiot: in fact, one of the reasons I was first interested in her is that she was an intelligent person. I looked at her for a few seconds. Then I looked at her kids, who were, ahem... a little more tanned-looking than the average person who had lived through a Minnesota winter. Then I pointed out that her last name by marriage was, in fact... Fuentes.

"Oh," she replied dismissively in that brain-damaged-child tone, "he (the ex-husband) was from Texas."

Maybe CNN understands its viewer demographics better than I thought.

Anyway, here's a clip of CNN using a white-supremacist group as a source of information on "militant Latino activists"...

Tony Rosato: A Comedian's Unfunny Fate (Updated)

Former SCTV star Tony Rosato has been in jail for two years without a trial.

Life is full of surprises. Crazy or not, I'm sure Tony didn't expect to be locked in the slammer for this long without a trial. He's in there... supposedly, maybe... because he's mentally ill. Maybe.

Tony Rosato apparently suffers from Capgras Syndrome: a rare but intriguing mental disorder where the sufferer becomes convinced that one or more loved ones or close associates have been replaced by lookalikes, Body Snatchers-style. It reminds me a little of one of my favourite mental disorders: Alien Limb Syndrome, in which a person becomes suddenly convinced that their left arm, for example, belongs to someone else. This is the sort of thing that should be treated in a hospital, by doctors... not prison guards.

Tim Kazurinsky -- proud American -- had this to say about the matter: "Canada: socialized medicine – they really care."

You probably know by know how I hate this... but I have to agree with him.

Why on Earth do we keep putting up with all the bad logic and outright lies about Canadian health care being such a tax burden? We spend 8.5 percent of our GDP on health care... the neighbors spend 11 percent. Our care is as good as theirs. Imagine how much better it would be if we actually gave enough of a rat's ass about our fellow humans to do something about it.

When did I wake up in a world where the Almighty Buck was the driving force behind everything? By my estimation, about twenty years ago. It makes me mad enough that I could hit someone... but I hate the thought of someone bleeding to death while they're sitting around waiting six hours for an emergency-room doctor.

If anyone reading this is taking a trip outside of this Mirror Universe, can I please hitch a ride?

UPDATE August 28/07: Tony is still being jailed for the crime of having a mental illness, or so it seems. However, the wheels of justice are beginning to turn... slowly.

The News From Sirius

Our world sits inside an ever-expanding ball of electromagnetic noise. Some of it is manufactured by us -- radio, television signals, cell phones -- and some of it is merely the stuff reflecting off of us. All of it travels at a finite speed: the speed of light. Incomprehensibly fast in mundane human terms, but finite nonetheless.

Everything that has ever happened here, from the perspective on an observer elsewhere, is happening right now... provided someone is listening with the right equipment.

On an undiscovered iceball in the Oort Cloud, I am watching an earthworm make his way through the rain. Tau Ceti is just now receiving word of my marriage. Near Epsilon Eridani, it's Grade Six and I'm kissing Julie Raisbeck. Somewhere around Wolf 359 I am being handed my divorce decree. Near Proxima Centauri I am giving my heart away again. Around Capella I am in an incubator.

On Europa the idea to write this is just now occurring to me.

Whenever I start to feel small and sad and alone, I remember that things are going much better for me somewhere else. It's just the "here and now" part that's so challenging sometimes.

I live my life in ever widening circles
that reach out across the world
Perhaps I shall never succeed in reaching
the final circle, but I give myself to it.

I circle around God, that ancient tower.
I have been circling for a thousand years,
and I still do not know: am I a falcon,
a storm, or a great song?

-Reiner Maria Wilke

...and as The Smiths once asked: how soon is now?