Friday, October 12, 2007

Are You There, Joseph Farah? It's Me, God

Dear Joe:

Thanks for all the prayers. I'm glad you liked the titanium golf clubs, but you don't need to thank me: they were a business write-off for one of your clients. But thanks for the thought anyway.

Misdirection is actually the reason I'm writing to you today. I read your recent column at World Net Daily about evolution, and I think it's time I cleared up a few things for you.

First of all, biblical literalism: I know how you guys love to bend and stretch things to fit the exact words you see in that Bible in front of you. That's why you folks are constantly pushing the notion that the universe is about 6000 years old, based on Bishop Ussher's interpretation of the Old Testament.

Joe: science has moved on a little since the 1600s. I can prove it, too. You, for example, have a web site ...not a scroll.

I understand that you feel the need to defend your faith. That's great. A lot of good has come from that in its time, even if much of it has been from people like Mother Theresa who secretly doubt Me. And you'd be amazed how many perfectly nice atheists there are out there. Honest!

What I'm trying to say here, Joe, is that you have a brain. Whether you want to blame that fact on Me, or on Evolution, don't you think it's a shame you aren't using it? Again: faith is one thing, but doing crazy intellectual back-flips to justify the letter of the law but not the spirit? That's the sort of thing that pisses me off. It makes me blowing-up-Gomorrah cranky, but of course that's not really my style.


Joe: think. Biblical literalism has its limits. Or are you trying to tell me you don't eat pork and regularly "suffer not a witch to live"?

Seriously, dude. Think about it.

Anyway, I have to go now. There's a planetary nebula in Andromeda that's turning out really nicely, and I want to go watch. Try to be a little smarter and kinder to each other, okay? It would be a terrible disappointment if you guys gave in to your own worst instincts and blew each other up.

Of course, if you do, I have some amazing plans for the bandicoot in about four million years. They'll do me proud at least, I'm sure.


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