Sunday, September 30, 2007

Bill O'Reilly: Come And Get One In The Yarbles, If You Have Any Yarbles!

Insulated as I am from the world... covered in a thick blanket of socialized medicine and pot-smoking gay people married to each other... I've found it easier to ignore the angry noises made by Bill O'Reilly than it is for my dear friends to the south of here. But of late I've noticed that O'Reilly isn't merely a political commentator, he's also a film critic, having typically fair and balanced opinions on, among other things, films he hasn't actually seen yet.

Bill has also issued a challenge to his critics, saying that, if he could, he'd "strangle these people and not go to hell and get executed ... I would -- but I can't." Among other things, Bill is tired of Big Media implying he's a racist. After all, we all know that black people don't listen to his radio show anyway. That's what he says. Big Media "ran up to Harlem and they fed black Americans bogus [Bill O'Reilly] quotes" because "Now, the black Americans up there, they didn't listen to The Radio Factor."

Way to not generalize about black folks, Bill.

I honestly don't know if Bill O'Reilly is racist... at least I can't prove my suspicions. But I do know movies, and I know movie reviews, and there's a field of endeavor where I can back up my assertion that Bill O'Reilly is a loudmouthed, empty-headed idiot. And since Bill has physically threatened Big Media (lock your door tonight, Big! Make sure Mrs. Media and the kids don't let any strangers in), I thought I'd be polite and offer up a piece of Little Media as a practice run. Namely, me.

Bill: you are an idiot who apparently wouldn't know a decent movie if you saw one.

But of course, you don't even know how to read a review. Here's the August 23rd critique of Ricard Roeper's article about "High School Musical 2":

"In said column, Mr. Roeper says that he doesn't believe critics would hammer High School Musical simply because it is wholesome. Roeper goes on to say that conservatives might distance themselves from the movie because it embraces 'liberal' (his word) values like tolerance and interracial dating.

That's right, Richard, all those mean conservatives would never like anything tolerant, would they?"

Now, here's what Roeper actually said:

"'When will Hollywood learn that films without sex and obscene language frequently sell like hot cakes?' asks the Culture and Media Institute.

You mean films 'The Lion King' and 'The Little Mermaid' are profitable? Who knew? Hollywood already realizes there's a market for family films -- just as there's a market for hard-R films such as '300' and 'Superbad.' Family-friendly movies such as 'Finding Nemo' and 'Ratatouille' make hundreds of millions for the studios -- and TV shows such as the super-corny 'American Idol' and the Disney Channel's 'Hannah Montana' are hugely profitable as well.

One more thing for the conservative movement to consider before they get too attached to the "High School Musical" franchise: It could be argued that the primary messages contained in both "High School Musical" movies are quite liberal.

As one parent and certified Disney-phile told me Monday, 'As wholesome and family-friendly as these films are, both 'High School Musical' films promote tolerance, interracial dating and rejection of elitism -- all "liberal" themes that drive those religious right-wingers nuts.'

Let the backlash begin!"

That wasn't conservative-baiting, Bill. But it was thoughtful of you to twist something that backed the notion that Hollywood knows it can make money off of kids into what you wanted it to say. Too bad you didn't finish the job and point out the blatant themes of family violence in "The Lion King" and the interspecies lust of "The Little Mermaid."

Frankly, I'm surprised Bill hasn't rushed forward yet to defend one of the greatest movies ever made about traditional conservative values... namely, the conflict between individual rights and the good of a larger society. Maybe one of his PR monkeys will read my blog and invite Bill to write a review.

Here's a clip. Come and get it, Bill, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Captain James T. Kirk: Poutier And More Styled For The 21st Century

I've been following what few bits of information have leaked out about the J.J. Abrams (Lost) upcoming Star Trek movie, and it appears his choice for the role of Kirk may be Mike Vogel, who starred in "Poseidon" and "The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants" and a few other things that, I confess, I haven't seen.

As a long time, old-school Star Trek fan, I don't think I have an inherent bias against any attempted re-booting of the Star Trek franchise. Worst case scenario: if it's that bad, I'll ignore it.

The one question that still resonates with me, though, is this: if you're going to spend, say, 50 million dollars on a brand-spanking new Star Trek movie, with all the inherent financial risk that implies for a film studio, why not shell out a few more bucks to complete a CGI version of The Secret Of Vulcan's Fury, an almost-complete near-feature film with performances by the entire original cast... including the deceased ones?
Regardless of how well or poorly the new version does, old-school nerds like me would kill for something like that.

Anyone out there with Paramount listening...?

Rush Limbaugh Pulls His Patriotism Out Of His Ass

It may be time to invent a new word: neocrit.

Neocrit (noun): a neocon hypocrite, particularly one who makes a living selling it to the rubes.

Examples: Bathroom sex enthusiast Larry Craig (who awaits a court ruling on whether or not it's possible to write laws but not understand how even the basics of the law works) 9/11 "hero" and terror pimp Rudy Giuliani (who is now milking the corpse of the World Trade Center nine dollars and eleven cents at a time), and upholder of the law/accused child molester wannabe John David Roy Atchison, whose Myspace page describes him as an "experienced, understanding, Daddy.” Feel free to vomit: I know I do.

Today's neocrit example: Rush Limbaugh.

Rush, who of course is anti-gay (especially when it comes to Elliot Sanders, who claims to have had a gay fling with Rushy in 1971) has recently decided to show some of his special brand of tough love to those US troops in Iraq who, after having gathered first-hand evidence, have decided that the war is a bad idea.

Or, as Rush likes to call them... "the phony soldiers."

Real patriots, of course, fall into two categories: those who follow orders without question, and those like Rush who would love to have the opportunity to kill Godless foreigners, but just couldn't. In this case, Rush slipped past the draft because of, literally... a cyst on his ass. He tries to deny it, of course. But denying it doesn't make it less true.

Sure. Maybe a boil on his ass kept Rush from doing his patriotic duty.

And maybe it was completely innocent when he travelled to the Dominican Republic with four men and 29 Viagra tablets mislabelled as belonging to someone else, leaving his wife behind in the US of A. Beats me. I'm not a proper journalist like Rush Limbaugh: I just look up facts and verify them.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Hey Kids! It's Time To Play "Are You Smarter Than Ann Coulter?"!

For days now I've been sitting back, quietly praying that Ann Coulter would say something really stupid about Jena. So far no luck. But my favourite warbag couldn't keep her sharp, made-for-Leni-Riefenstahl angular snout out of the recent visit by President Ahmadinejad to Columbia University.

There are the usual rhetorical delights, such as opening with a suggestion that Ahmadinejad run for the Democratic leadership "the name 'Mahmoud Ahmadinejad' is surely no more frightening than 'B. Hussein Obama.'"

Oh snap, Ann.

And then Ann melts down.

"Only when Ahmadinejad failed to endorse sodomy did he receive the single incident of booing throughout his speech.

Responding to a question about Iran's execution of homosexuals, Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals, like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have it."

First of all, no one asked him to "endorse sodomy." The booing occurs (and is accompanied by a lot of laughter, Ann) because President Ahmadinejad claims there's no gay people in Iran, just like there's no camels in Texas (except, of course, for disreputable foreign camels).

Whatever virus makes Ann Coulter the way she is seems to be migrating from her prefrontal cortex into her amygdala, and is now screwing with her ability to read the behaviours of others.

I have an idea: Take a moment to gather your children around the computer. Uncle Chironboy wants to boost their self-esteem by showing them that they're smarter than a famous grownup!


Okay kids: a famous lady just said something very silly about the video clip I'm about to show you. Watch it and listen to how the audience reacts to the man in front of the microphone. Then I'm going to ask you a question. We'll see who's smarter at reading people!

Now, kids: why is the audience reacting to what this man is saying the way they do?

a) Because they are infuriated Sodomites spurned by someone they thought would make all their dreams come true by endorsing their Democrat-driven lifestyle?


b) Because the man just said something very silly.


Good God A'mighty, Ann: Is your core audience all shut-ins with TVs locked on Fox News and no Internet? They must be: it takes a minute of listening and about ten neurons to figure out what a twist-top you are.

Now let's have some pearls of wisdom about those rampaging killer darkies in Jena, Ann honey. You know you want to.

Yahoo Answers: A Safe, Nonjudgemental Place For Republican Senators To Discuss Their Love Lives

(Click it. It gets bigger. Try it... you'll like it)

Legal Eye For The Hypocrite Guy: Larry Craig Ventures Into The Men's Room Of Justice

It's true: Republican lawmaker and washroom sex enthusiast Larry Craig is waiting for a judge to give him a shot at undoing his guilty plea, thus proving he isn't gay or something.

I can hardly wait to see what The Puppet Press has to say about all this. We already know that Ann Coulter is eager to roll in this particular stink. But for the most part the Bush Fifth Column seems to be keeping away from this no-win scenario. The best I've found so far: Kristen Fyfe, whose defence of Larry Craig consists of pointing out that San Francisco's Folsom Street Fair is coming up, and liberals won't be making a big stink out of that.

Maybe if there was a big parade of gay people who had voted loudly and repeatedly to outlaw themselves we would, Kristen.

Seriously, though: have a look at some time. You'll find such wonders as:

Michael Medved's near-defense of American Slavery. "WHILE AMERICA DESERVES NO UNIQUE BLAME FOR THE EXISTENCE OF SLAVERY, THE UNITED STATES MERITS SPECIAL CREDIT FOR ITS RAPID ABOLITION" (stop shouting, Mike!). Yeah, Medved: it only took a Civil War. Besides, there was lots of slavery before America... and we all know how America loves using the pre-1700s Muslim world as a role model.

Dennis Prager, who points out that since both liberals and conservatives are capable of lying, therefore liberals are lying weasels.

Mary Katharine Ham, who points out how foolish and out of touch with the world Columbia University was to invite Ahmadinejad... just like they didn't have their finger on the pulse of an important (but distasteful) issue like Hitler, whose ambassador they played host to in 1933. Way to not spot someone of significance, stupid Columbia University with your stupid classes and stupid books and stupid freedom of expression!

Finally, Michael Barone, who favours us with this toxic bonbon:

"Polls show that the public approves of Petraeus' performance and endorses his recommendations for going forward with the surge -- the first margin of approval for the administration's course of action in a long time."

Hey! I think I just figured out where Ted Byfield gets his sources from! It's the same alternate universe Michael Barone lives in!

You know... the one where Spock has a beard...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Roger Ebert and Bill O'Reilly Review "Redacted"

(All Bill O'Reilly comments are taken from his review of "Redacted"... which he hasn't actually seen yet)

ROGER: "Redacted" is the latest from master director Brian DePalma, lavishly filmed and--

BILL: DePalma wants the world to see this horror in living color.

ROGER: It's an exploration of American foreign policy, reduced to very intimate personal terms.

BILL: Speaking before journalists in Italy, DePalma said: "The movie is an attempt to bring to reality what's happening in Iraq to the American people ... the pictures are what will stop the war."

Here's how stupid that statement is: Overwhelmingly, American forces in Iraq have behaved with restraint and are trying to protect Iraqi civilians from terrorists who blow up women and children. That is the reality, pal. Your movie takes the exception and attempts to make it the rule.

ROGER: Yes, but every war has seen its share of atrocities. It's not the sort of thing anyone really plans... it just happens. That's war. It's one more reason to avoid war in the first place.

BILL: "Redacted" will play around the world and may well incite young Muslim men, already steeped in hatred toward America and the west, to act on their hatred.

ROGER: You don't think the invasion of Iraq was provocation enough to cause that? You honestly think someone is going to build a pipe bomb and use it because a Brian DePalma movie pissed them off? How many people do you figure were needless killed because of widespread disappointment with "Resident Evil: Extinction"?

BILL: The American military is doing important, noble work. Brian DePalma and the others who back him should be ashamed.

ROGER: So, my question is... if freedom makes us superior to them, why are you opposed to it?

BILL: My question is, why make a film like this? Most people will avoid it; who wants to see that kind of stuff? It definitely smears the military, and may even put our forces in physical danger. Why do this?

ROGER: It's called "freedom of expression." It's what makes our way of life superior to those of the fanatics, and surrendering that freedom is "collaborating with the enemy" as surely as handing them a gun.

BILL: It's freedom of expression, they say. Well, just because you have the right to do something, doesn't make it right.

Fair-minded Americans should realize that in any war, mistakes will be made; horrifying things like Abu Ghraib will happen. These things need to be dealt with, but not exploited for political gain.

ROGER: How is being anti-atrocity political? That implies that those who support the war must be pro-atrocity. I think people owe it to themselves to see this film.

BILL: They are hurting their own country.

ROGER: Okay, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I give it "thumbs up." Next, we review "Good Luck Chuck" with Jessica Alba, a romantic comedy in which --

BILL: -- a bunch of far-left Hollywood loons want to denigrate the country!

Halo 3: The Giuliani Level (SPOILERS!)

One of the biggest challenges players of Halo 3 face is a level mid-way through the game. The alien Covenant has invaded Earth, and replaced most of its leaders with terrorism-obsessed clones.

One vital mission the player must finish is infiltrating a Rudy Giuliani fundraiser, otherwise level boss Giuliani will gain access to the nuclear stockpile, thus ending the game.

Although Rudy comes equipped with a plasma cannon built into his chest, and wave after wave of henchmen, his greatest weapon is one players of previous Halos haven't encountered before: The Rhetoric Bomb.

Rudy is encountered at a Young Republicans fundraiser/Halo LAN party where funds are being raised $9.11 at a time.

Instead of individually picking off all the grunts and honor guards protecting Rudy, dodge left around the couch and make a run straight for the kitchen, where Rudy sits drinking a Heineken. Dodge the sycophants -- their energy swords are fully charged with rhetoric, which replenishes itself when in Rudy's vicinity. Fend off the Young Republicans with grenades. If you are playing on hard or legendary level, you will have to do this multiple times.

Once the henchmen are cleared, Giuliani can be defeated as follows:

Dodge left, duck behind the stove, and double-tap X to ask Rudy why, if he's such a hero of 9/11, do New York fireman generally despise him for leaving the FDNY tragically underfunded on 9/11.

This will slow Rudy down enough for you to dodge right and press Y to ask him about his role in downplaying the health effects of the WTC bombing when, apparently, he knew better. Or should have.

At this point Giuliani will attempt to use the Rhetoric Bomb and start talking about family values. Before the bomb can detonate, quickly press Y,Y,X then jump in order to unleash a question about how any sane adult could be married to his second cousin for 14 years without knowing it, then have the balls to have it annulled (pleading ignorance) when the press figures it out.

Rudy then keels over and dies. After this, the player finishes the Heineken to replenish his shields, and then it's off to the ruins of Salt Lake City to face Mitt Romney.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Crisp Republican Hair Cuts And Bad Ahmadinejad Journalism

If you have a rummage through Google News looking for details on the protests against Antichrist Of The Week, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, you'll notice an interesting pattern. There are a few references to a protest yesterday, before Ahmadinejad had even arrived in New York. He's scheduled to speak at Columbia University, and there appears to be a great deal of public sentiment against a University's unthinking support of the free exchange of ideas.

One thing you'll notice going through these reports: a recurring use of the phrase "about 40 elected officials and civic leaders."

I would probably be a terrible journalist. If I was writing this story up for, say, US News And World Report, I'd be asking all sorts of foolish, Un-American questions, like:

-"...about 40 elected officials and civic leaders?" I was arrested once at a demonstration. The strange things is, the politicians are what we were protesting against. No elected officials chose to join us. Why are "elected officials" (who by definition already have a public platform) out waving placards and shouting at a guy who hasn't even shown up yet? Why did these "elected officials" feel compelled to get out and wave placards the day before Ahmadinejad showed up? Is it so that the major networks could run this story on Monday morning, and set the stage for further protests of questionable origin?

-Who are these elected officials? Not one news story, anywhere, seems to ask this question. It might help answer Question #1.

-Did any of these "elected officials" realize that the UN General Assembly is in New York, and that implies that foreign leaders who aren't as American mainstream as Newt Gingrich might show up occasionally?

-If all these "elected officials" showed up to protest all at once, is there any chance they're all members of the same political party?

Again, I'd probably be a terrible journalist, because I've gone over all the reports I can find about the Sunday protests, and all the professional journalists covering it seem to have known better than to waste our time and theirs asking such (apparently) pointless questions.

As I write this, CNN is interviewing a student protester... one of many we're assured, despite the fact that he seems to be by himself at the moment. I was at a University last week, and damn... this kid on CNN sure has a crisp, Republican hair cut compared to the students I've seen lately.

Of course, so does everyone on CNN these days.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Sinking Ship Watch: Rat Of The Day, Toby Keith

Country singer Toby Keith, in his 2002 pro-war hit "Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue":

"Hey Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list,
And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist.
And the eagle will fly,
And there's gonna be Hell,
When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell!

It's gonna feel like the whole wide world is raining down on you...
Brought to you courtesy of the Red, White and Blue!
Oh, Justice will be served and the battle will rage.
This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage
You'll be sorry that you messed with the US of A
'Cuz we'll put a boot in your ass
It's the American way."

Toby Keith, to CBS News, yesterday:

"It's amazing how many Republicans call me for support. And then they go, 'You're a Republican right?' And you go, 'Well I'm actually a lifetime Democrat"

Where's the Republican Party supposed to turn for support, when even the hillbillies are fleeing?


A Typically Canadian Fair, Polite, Calm, Reasoned, Thoughtful Response To The Bush Administration opposed to Hillary Clinton recently calling Dick Cheney "Darth Vader" recently. Jeez, Hillary, don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows that, eventually, Darth Vader turned his back on The Dark Side.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Bitch Walked Into A Door: Mattel Apologizes For Thoughtless Clumsiness

Mattel has, at long last, issued a formal and heartfelt apology over the recent outbreak of dangerous toys made in China.

The apology was made... to China. Mattel is now claiming that the majority of the recalls were because of design flaws. Design is Mattel's thing, so the story goes. China just does the assembly.

But of course if these things were being made at home, they'd be made to the standards at home, wouldn't they? Or did Mattel decide to switch so much manufacturing over to China on the same week they replaced all their design engineers with accountants and people who slept their way up in Marketing?

Chinese word of the day - kowtow: to bow, as before the Chinese Emperor, such that one's forehead touches the ground. Mattel may not know a safe toy when they see one, but they know which side their bread is buttered on.

At this very moment, something dark and frightened is bubbling up inside of me. Maybe it's a foreboding thought about a world where the worst of the fundamentalist hyper-capitalist forces have merged with the totalitarian giant of China to form a huge globalized amoeba of unthinking appetite... or maybe it's just gas. Yeah, I'm sure that's it: gas. All I need to do is burp and clear it away.

Speaking of burping: go check on the baby. You may need to remove Junior from his/her crib, if it's one of the one million made-in-China Simplicity cribs being recalled because they have a bad habit of trapping and smothering babies.

Did Simplicity let all their design engineers go, too?

Richard Nixon: The World Cries Out For Your Saintly Wisdom

I (and so many others on the Internet) am of such a leftish and/or libertarianoid bent that sometimes I find myself engaging in the same unthinking criticism of conservative types that I risk falling into the the trap of Ann Coulter-ism. Almost. But sometimes one finds truth among the trash. Or maybe it's just a case of a broken clock being right twice a day. Or maybe I'm just so desperate for signs of hope in the US that I'm hallucinating.

Once again, Pat Buchanan (of all people) has nailed it as to what the hell is wrong with neocon foreign policy, and does so in a way conservatives can appreciate.

By now you've heard this from Colin Powell:

"What is the greatest threat facing us now? People will say it's terrorism. But are there any terrorists in the world who can change the American way of life or our political system? No. Can they knock down a building? Yes. Can they kill somebody? Yes. But can they change us? No. Only we can change ourselves. So what is the great threat we are facing?"

Buchanan translates this into terms the average conservative can empathize with:

"Consider: Between 1942 and 1945, Germany and Japan, nations not one-tenth the size of the United States, saw their cities firebombed and their soldiers and civilians slaughtered in the millions. Japan lost an empire. Germany lost a third of its territory. Both were put under military occupation. Yet, 15 years later, Germany and Japan were the second and third most prosperous nations on Earth, the dynamos of their respective continents, Europe and Asia."

"Powell's point is not that terrorism is not a threat. It is that the terror threat must be seen in perspective, that we ought not frighten ourselves to death with our own propaganda, that we cannot allow fear of terror to monopolize our every waking hour or cause us to give up our freedom."

Okay... it's not exactly Pat singing "Give Peace A Chance." But it's a huge breath of fresh air from the conservative end of the spectrum. My God... can you imagine a world that is a better place than it is today because Pat Buchanan won in 2000? The mind absolutely boggles.

And as for other conservative-types that I despised yet (as time goes on) I can (ulp) respect more and more... despite more and more fascists, greedheads, and loonies adopting that label??

"The greatest honor history can bestow is that of peacemaker."
-Richard Nixon

In the meantime, New York continues to welcome tourists... unless your last name is Ahmadinejad, and once-honorable conservatives like John McCain want to use force to keep you away.

I think I need to lie down.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

"The Marketing Of Evil" Vs. Kat Von D Naked: The Battle For Your Immortal Soul

(Okay, it should be immediately obvious there's no actual pictures of Kat Von D naked here. And if such pictures ever do surface, they won't be on some dumbass blog like mine. Here: go read the rest of my blog and be entertained.)

The crazy bastards at World Net Daily have a brand new book out for those of you who want to punish yourself for the high crime of Literacy: The Marketing Of Evil. The author (David Kupelian) is an editor at World Net Daily. The book's been getting rave reviews thus far... from other editors at WND, at least.

Among America's enemies (other than non-Americans) listed in the book:

-Body piercing

Seriously: it turns out that the path to hell is paved with ink, just like Kat Von D, whose anatomy I've studied in detail (for theological purposes only, I assure you). Just to prove it, here's part of an Internet post from a former body piercing artist turned to Jesus by "The Marketing Of Evil":

"Self-inflicted castrations, lobotomies, amputations, disfigurement of every conceivable nature, suspensions – we do these things to each other and ourselves without a second thought."

Castration? Lobotomies? Amputations? Dude: if that was what you did for a living, maybe it wasn't the work of the Devil... maybe you were just working in an insanely bad piercing shop. A nipple ring I can understand... but now I'm picturing two nipple rings joined by a chain running through some one's frontal fucking lobes.

To summarize: Evil. Marketing. Evil being marketed.

Now, a public service announcement:

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Say Nice Things About America

The next time you (or one of your art school buddies) starts to complain about big-budget, flashy, overpriced American movies or stupid reality series... refer to the front page of the gloriously named Korea News. The rest of the world calls it "North Korea"... when the rest of the world calls at all.

Here are today's top entertainment stories. Go ahead and click on the picture. It gets bigger, but it doesn't get more entertaining...

Speaking as an expert in both film production and multi-layer plastic sheeting, I can see how the director of the second film might have difficulty maintaining an engaging plot. But man... that static condenser film... that's a must see. God only knows what kind of mayhem those weapons-crazed North Koreans could get out of something like that.

I should know... I have one myself. You probably have one too, behind your refrigerator. And it's absolutely true: you can increase energy efficiency by 10 percent if you keep it clean and dusted off...

Captain America Vs. Cheap Wal-Mart Crap!

It used to be that America needed a hero to protect it from those who would take away its basic freedoms. Since that's a done deal now, what America needs protection from is its own bargain-hunting, whether it's shoddy flip flops from China causing a rash, or globalization sending all the jobs away.

(Click on the picture to make it bigger)

Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter, And General Zod At The Values Voters Debate

The Values Voters Debate was an attempt by Fundamentalist US voters to find a leader they can really get behind: one with a consistent world view, determination, and someone with a strong moral streak that runs against the mainstream. It's unfortunate that the three best candidates I can think of didn't show up.

Here are actual questions from the debate, followed by actual movie-quote answers:

Q: At President Bush's press conference in Canada last month, Fox News asked him this question: "Can you say that the Security and Prosperity Partnership is not a prelude to a North American Union similar to the European Union?" George Bush did not deny that goal, he just ridiculed the question. Will you assure us that you will abolish all plans to promote the economic integration of North America?

VADER: "Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends."
LECTER: "He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? "
ZOD: "The closer we come to an atmosphere with only one sun... a yellow sun... the more our molecular density gives us unlimited powers."

Q: What do you intend to do to counteract the homosexual agenda?

VADER: "Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself. "
LECTER: "Look for severe childhood disturbances associated with violence. Our Billy wasn't born a criminal, Clarice. He was made one through years of systematic abuse. Billy hates his own identity, you see, and he thinks that makes him a transsexual. But his pathology is a thousand times more savage and more terrifying."
ZOD: "I defy you! Come and kneel before Zod! Zod!"

Q: As you will see by the ultrasound video on the screen, science confirms the undeniable unique person in the womb... if elected, what will you do to make our laws consistent with our science and restore legal protection and full rights of personhood to every American waiting to be born?

VADER: "Bring me all passengers, I want them ALIVE!"
LECTER: "You think if Catherine lives, you won't wake up in the dark ever again to that awful screaming of the lambs. "
ZOD: "He cares. He actually cares for these Earth people."

Q: There is no question that Jihadists have as their goal the harming of America and its citizens. What would your strategy be to protect our streets, our people, and our American way of life from the designs of radical Islam?

VADER: "The Emperor will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now."
LECTER: "What a collection of scars you have. Never forget who gave you the best of them, and be grateful, our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real. We live in a primitive time, don't we, Will?"
ZOD: "I am General Zod. Your ruler. Yes, today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod! In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live."

Q: We all agree there is a great need to stop illegal immigration. However, what are the most urgent measures needed today in the area of legal immigration?

VADER: "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!"
LECTER: "Have you ever seen blood in the moonlight, Will? It appears quite black."
ZOD: "We have all that we need without you."

Q: Tell us about your personal faith, and what it means in your life:

VADER: “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
LECTER: "God has power. lf one does what God does enough times, one will become as God is. God's a champ. He always stays ahead. He got 140 Filipinos in one plane crash last year. Remember that earthquake in ltaly last spring?"
ZOD: "Why do you say this to me, when you know that I will kill you for it? "

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Scene One: A Meteorite Crashes...

The movie starts with a meteorite crashing in the remote countryside. A strange gas emits from the crater. Something bubbles up from the hole. A gas is released. People start getting sick. One of the farmer's bulls dies. You know the people of Earth will be in terrible peril before this movie is over.

Except, this time... it isn't a movie. This is really happening.

"Nahum said somethin' lived in the well that sucks your life out. He said it must be some'at growed from a round ball like one we all seen in the meteor stone that fell a year ago June. Sucks an' burns, he said, an' is jest a cloud of colour like that light out thar now, that ye can hardly see an' can't tell what it is. Nahum thought it feeds on everything livin' an' gits stronger all the time. He said he seen it this last week. It must be somethin' from away off in the sky like the men from the college last year says the meteor stone was. The way it's made an' the way it works ain't like no way o' God's world. It's some'at from beyond."

-H.P. Lovecraft, The Colour Out Of Space

Yet Another Republican Pervert

Pop quiz: an assistant district attorney... John David Roy Atchison... travels from Florida to Michigan for the purpose of having sex with a five-year-old girl.

A sample of the Internet pillow-talk that preceeded this, with the fictional child's father: Atchison promises "I'm always gentle and loving; not to worry; no damage ever; no rough stuff ever, ever" and "Just gotta go slow and very easy. I've done it plenty."

Question: what political party is he with?

Yes. Another Republican. The Party Of Lincoln is rapidly becoming The Party Of Moral Decay.

Oh God, please please please send us just one Democratic sexual deviant. Just one. And no, an office hummer doesn't count. The Republican Party seems to have cornered the hypocrisy market the same way Halliburton has lapped up all the easy blood money.

I'm getting sick and tired of using the "R" word over and over again. Just like this, except with the "F" word instead of the "R" word. Turn the volume down if you're at work or in front of the kids:

Sorry, guys... what "values" were you voting for, again...?

God Appears At The Values Voters Debate, Looks For Romney, Then Leaves

"With 'invisible' candidates who failed to show up getting grilled with questions, hundreds of empty seats, not a single mainstream television network on hand, and the name of God invoked countless times, the 'unseen world' clearly dominated last night's Republican presidential debate in South Florida."

That wasn't my review, that was World Net Daily, whose High Priest, Joseph Farah, hosted last nights garage sale of piety and platitudes. Here are the highlights:

-Tom Tancredo solidly pledged his devotion to God The Father and Jesus Christ, up to (but not including) Leviticus 19:34... "But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." In other words: Jesus loves Mexicans a lot better when they stay in Mexico, where God put them in the first place.

Another nugget from Tancredo: "Bill Clinton redefined morality to the level of an alley cat." Funny: I don't recall Bubba ever yowling for dick in the men's room like an unfixed gay tomcat.

-Ron Paul got all Libertarian with it. On gay marriage: "I think we have fallen into a trap that we have to redefine marriage" and "put it at the state level like the Constitution says." Bad move, Ron. If God was a Libertarian, there'd only be three commandments, and one of them would restrict taxation.

-Alan Keyes (when did HE show up?) on abortion: "I would issue an executive order immediately granting the full protection of the presidency and every element of the executive branch to the life in the womb." That's right, ladies: under a Keyes Presidency, you need never fear your fetus being forced to reveal what it really knew about Iraq before the invasion.

-Sam Brownback: "Roe [v. Wade] is not in the Constitution. There is not in the Constitution a fundamental right to an abortion." I'm going to try this argument in front of a judge next time I get busted with an underage hooker and a bag of pot in Alabama. Screw the law... this is The Constitution! Who needs laws when you've got one of those?

-Duncan Hunter: "If a judicial candidate can look at a sonogram of an unborn child and not see a valuable human life, I will not appoint that judicial candidate to the federal bench. It's as simple as that." He also won't hire a Secretary Of State who can look at an inkblot and not see a mushroom cloud over Tehran.

-John Cox: "Are we gonna focus on substance, or are we gonna focus on celebrities?" Which raises an important question: who the hell is John Cox?

The audience was hard on no-shows Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, John McCain, and Mitt Romney, which is weird given how much stock they put in mysterious, unseen forces during the rest of the debate.

A second such debate was planned for next week involving the Democratic Presidential candidates, but none said they'll attend. They're all too busy aborting middle-class white babies or worshipping the false idol of Universal Health Care or something.

So where was Mitt Romney? Probably off planting a bomb under a mosque somewhere. Mitt didn't get to where he is today by not understanding what his target market really wants.

Monday, September 17, 2007

"Unfortunately, We Can't Talk About Oil"


When Alan Greenspan said "the Iraq war is largely about oil” apparently, what he meant to say was no one at the White House told him that. As a matter of fact an unnamed White House official specifically said "Well, unfortunately, we can't talk about oil."

Another Clarification:

To my ex-wife: when my friends told you I was sleeping with your sister, that wasn't it at all.

Not once was actual sleep involved.

Values Voters Debate: Republican '08 Presidency Detector, On Sale Now, Aisle Twelve!

I'm looking forward to tonight's "Value Voters Debate" (sounds like a discount item at Wal-Mart, doesn't it?) hosted by Joseph Farah. There ought to be a special door prize for the candidate who's best able to make Larry Craig look like the Democrat's fault.

Joseph Farah's World Net Daily specializes in playing into the worst, most fearful aspects of public life. And since this is, after all, the 21st Century, you can't play on people's dark and primitive reflexes without lots of modern merchandising. Here's an ad from today's edition...

"Save money. Live better?" Now there's a huge political lie everyone could get behind...

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Mitt Romney's Foreign Policy: An Exciting Sneak Preview!

Mitt "Dog Torturer" Romney has given us all a thrilling look at The World Of Tomorrow, Romney style.

Mitt proposes showing some pimp hand to Iranian President Ahmadinejad, who is scheduled to address the UN Assembly next week. Romney is bar him from attending and slap him with charges under The Genocide Act." This is all based on certain statements Mr. Ahmadinejad regard Israels non-right to existence.

Mitt, of course, knows his history. The only way to get rid of people who want to get rid of other people is to get rid of the right people first. Maybe both sets of people, just to be safe. I dunno, this sort of thing is apparently okay with Jesus... something to do with the number of cheeks your enemy has to smite. I'm not as well-versed at interpreting God's Will as Mitt Romney is.

At first I dismissed this as more electoral fear-mongering from the War Criminal Wannabe who gave us "Double Guantanamo." But then I sat back and drifted off, and had a horrible, profound psychic vision of what the world would be like with Mitt Romney as President Of The United States.

Then I woke up. I realized it wasn't a psychic vision of the future at all. It was a clip of The Dead Zone on TV:

Wal-Mart Flip Flops Continue To Cause Rashes, And A Rash Of Complaints, But No Action

The mainstream media hasn't had a whole lot to say yet about the ongoing issue of the Wal-Mart flip flops that cause a nasty rash.

Maybe this just isn't a big enough story yet. A hundred or so customers... big deal, right? This almost seems to be the approach take by John Matarese, consumer reporter for ABC2 News in Baltimore. Mr. Matarese's take on the made-in-China flip flops:

"Should you avoid these products?

No, according to doctors, who say anyone can have an allergic reaction to anything. Wal-Mart has released a statement saying it has sold 7 million of these flip flops with almost no complaints."

Yes, a few... even a hundred... out of seven million is not a huge percentage. And I recognize that even a well-run large system can produce large effects. I also recognize that the phenomenon known as "mass hysteria" can happen. I don't think this is what that is at all.

Whether you want to believe in it or not, this rash keeps spreading.

I received an e-mail from Gary Allen, who tells a strangely familiar tale...

"... I picked up a pair of flip flops in 2006 at a K-mart in IL. My sores ended up on the bottom of my feet, and progress to the insides, to my hands. I do believe that there is something wrong with these flip flops. The soles where about the same on the pair I got. I wanted something that would give my more height in the shower in case of any standing water. They were black, with tread (?) on the top, and slipped right on, with no catch for the toe.

I noticed a rash, and little zits/bumps starting to form. It would itch like I've never itched before. My 1st thought was that I finally got athletes foot, or some kind of bacteria from some warehouse or something. It would come and go. I finally got to a doctor, and they had no idea what it was. They treated it as athletes foot and prescribed a cram with a steroid. That seemed to clear it up for a bit.

The skin started to crack, very deep as some had stated in her [Kerry Styles'] site. My feet would swell. Skin would peel, and if I peeled it, would start to take some of the good skin with it. I started to wonder if maybe I had contracted some flesh eating bacteria, as bad as my feet were getting. I had gone through 3 packs of socks, due to the infection oozing, and no relief.

One thing I have figured out from all of this, is that the zits/bumps will puss for a day or 2, and can spread what ever this is. Like I said, it has progressed to my hands, and my girlfriend has started to develop the bumps on her chest, and feet after I have touched her."

In the meantime, there is absolutely nothing new from Wal-Mart about this, except reports of individual stores pulling the flip-flops off the shelves on a hit-and-miss basis... brave move to make in September, Wal-Mart.

So, what does it take to get an official statement from Wal-Mart? I'd like to know.

So would Gary Allan. Here's the picture...

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Alan Greenspan: Liberal Dupe? Not Even Close

“I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil”

Hippie? Osama bin Laden? Cindy Sheehan? No.

Alan Greenspan. Yes, that Alan Greenspan: The Pope of the free-market economy. The man so ready to back the conservative agenda of ditching Social Security.

Thanks for the heads up, Al... and nice of you to be saddened by the "political inconvenience" of it all rather than the body count, or the waste of all of America's international good will, or ridiculous cost, even.

Friday, September 14, 2007

A Million (Or More) Corpses

Imagine yourself shooting a complete stranger. Someone you don't know, and someone who doesn't know you. Bang. He dies.

Another stranger pops up immediately. You shoot her. Bang.

Another one. Bang. Another one. Bang. Your magically-reloading gun fires once every second. Bang. And it goes on for hours and hours. You find you don't need to sleep: you just stand there, wide eyed and unthinking, your trigger finger contracting once a second, every second, day and night.

On the evening of Day Twelve, you receive a progress report.

You're not done yet.

Welcome to George W. Bush's Iraq.

Petraeus For President, 2012!

Back in 2005, when the US was mired in a messy invasion that wasn't going as well as advertised (the invasion hasn't changed, just the advertising), there was a bright-eyed, idealistic young lad named General David Petraeus serving in Iraq who wanted to run for President in 2012.

Back then, General Petraeus was in charge of training the Iraqi army (bang-up job, Dave!). He let it slip to Sabah Khadim, (a "senior advisor" to Iraq's Interior Ministry, whatever that really entails) that he had a burn-on to become Commander-In-Chief.

You know he's about to become (if he isn't already) the poster boy for the brave neocon patriots who aren't afraid to keep throwing bodies at the Iraq Problem until it does away.

Personally, I think Petraeus is perfectly qualified, at least by neocon standards. Of course, what kind of leadership skills does it really take to lead cattle down a chute to a pneumatic gun?


Boy, you've really got to be careful when the first thing you do in the morning is wake up and read the Drudge Report. Especially when they run a headline like "Thatcher's back in Downing Street..."

...and then right below it is a story about China telling people how to run their lives: specifically, stick to that one-baby rule.

Wow, I'm all nostalgic for the Reagan/Thatcher era... but not in a good way.

Appropriate music, please...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I'm Outsourcing It: Meet The Future Mrs. Chironboy

CHIRONBOY: Hello... is Elena there?

ELENA: Da, here is Elena.

CHIRONBOY: Elena! Hello. This is Chironboy calling.

ELENA: Hello Chironboy! I was looking at your pictures. You have large, beautiful house!

CHIRONBOY: Yes. I bought it for my Mom.

ELENA: You are very kind and generous man!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah. Actually I just live in the basement there, but it's pretty much the same thing.

ELENA: I see. You want to be married, da?

CHIRONBOY: Da. I've already made up my mind, and it's you! I just have to ask you a few questions first.

ELENA: So romantic, this is, da?

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, just a few points to clear up. I notice you're a Taurus.

ELENA: Da. Book says we are kind, loving people.

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, well, when you're over here, you're going to be a Scorpio.

ELENA: But this is not my sign!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, but I have a load of "Scorpio" t-shirts left over from an old girlfriend with a shopping addiction. I'm not about to spend more on this than I have to. I notice here it says you're an administrator.

ELENA: Da, I oversee large manufacturing concern here in Odessa. I have three years, University of Odessa!

CHIRONBOY: That's nice. When you fill out your immigration paperwork, you'll need to spell "administrator" differently. Do you have a pen?


CHIRONBOY: Over here, we spell "administrator" H-O-U-S-E-M-A-I-D.

ELENA: Bozhe moi! This is not sounding right. I feel you dismiss me too cheaply. I am intelligent, beautiful woman. Very capable. You treat me as if I am disposable commodity. I am person. You should be respect for me!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, technically you're right, babe. I used to work for a place that thought like you. Then they discovered that they could outsource my job (and others) for cheap. They get (almost) the same kind of service for much less. And they don't have go through a lot of crap with stuff like benefits and dental plans and job security.

ELENA: This is terrible! This is thing that... what is English word?... demeans everyone involved.

CHIRONBOY: That's globalization for you, sweet cheeks. It's everywhere, and there's no stopping it. I've got the bucks... and you've got the ass, at a fraction of the price I'd pay for someone here. Plus, you have lower standards. It's a win-win, babe! So get your sweet Russky can over here. You need to learn how to mix a margarita for me.

ELENA: (after a long pause) I love you Chironboy. We make babies soon, da?

CHIRONBOY: That's the spirit, babe. Here's what we're going to name them...

Wal-Mart: You Want It Cheap And Nasty, Don't You?

Wal-Mart is about to change it's advertising approach. No, this doesn't mean they'll be spending ad money on a much-needed apology for their dangerous flip flops or for slowly strangling the North American economy.

The new strategy? "Save Money, Live Better." Put that up on the wall at a Chinese slave pit to inspire your employees.

The funny thing is that Wal-Mart itself appears to be ready to do some serious spending itself. Rumour has it that Wal-Mart is looking to eat a big chunk of retailer Tesco.

It's a fine line between "corporate expansion" and metastasis.

So really, should anyone in North America care about this? Isn't the idea here that a free market will find its own level? Surely, Wal-Mart's rampant capitalist success makes the North American economy more free, not less... right?

As a matter of fact, the North American economy is so free that even a shlub like me can own a piece of the world's biggest retailer. All I have to do is work hard, save money, buy some shares. That's how it works.

So when is a free market not a free market? When one retailer eats its competition, then finds other things to eat.

...And then it sells shares to a government-sponsored investment fund owned by the world's largest totalitarian government.

Whether you're an economic patriot, or just don't want to poison yourself with cheap toys and shoes, Wal-Mart wants to eat you alive.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

More FuQing Wal-Mart Flip Flop Details

After entirely too long a search, I have located the website for FuQing Yongchao Shoes of China, the manufacturer that rash victim Kerry Styles was told to contact about her painful, blistering rash.

Have a look for yourself. You tell me if there's anything there about this. All I see is... lots and lots of cheap flip-flops. How surprised will you be if it turns there are more horror stories out there?

It wouldn't surprise Kerry, who keeps updating her site with more horror stories from more people.

I spoke with Kerry Styles via the miracle of Yahoo Messenger. Her comments:

"...first of all they say they only have 9 complaints, I think they may need to double check their numbers, because according to MY stats there are alot more, see here:

...secondly, they are pulling them, great, but they should have done this much sooner and tested them, AND it seems as if this is kind of like applying a band aid on a gushing head wound.

I could be wrong, I have said that from the very beginning, but I really don't think so, I really really think something is wrong with these shoes."

Me too, Kerry. Me too.

Wal-Mart Doesn't Recall Flip-Flops, Woman Recalls Not Being In Pain

You may recall the case of Taylor Vanover, the woman whose cheap Chinese-made flip flops burned her feet. It seemed like an isolated case at the time.

Meet the feet of Kerry Styles, but be warned... we're talking about CSI-quality rash photograpy.

In the meantime... the rash keeps spreading.

And spreading.

Yes, Wal-Mart is taking the offending footwear off their shelves. You'd like to think they'd have the decency to 'fess up and announce a recall, wouldn't you?

Nah. This is, after all, Wal-Mart.

So, what's Wal-Mart's response? And curse you, Fox News, for making me quote you...

"The company is also testing the Sand-N-Sun flip-flops and may continue to sell the line of shoes in the future once they find out more about the causes of the chemical burns. “Of the seven million sold, there were 10 cases of people having a reaction with them,” said [Wal-Mart spokesman John] Simley. “We have to know what we’re dealing with first. Clearly, seven million people were OK wearing them.”

In general, Silverberg said, flip-flops are usually not an issue because of the small area of skin being exposed to the shoe, and those who are allergic will notice a reaction within a couple of hours."

For flip-flop wearers who do have a chemical reaction to their shoes or any other synthetic shoe that is rubber based, Silverberg recommends that they visit a dermatologist to get a prescription for a topical cream like hydrocortisone and get a contact allergy test — a patch test where the doctor places pieces of allergens on a patient’s back to find their specific allergy."

To summarize Wal-Mart's response:

-If it's good enough that only a few people suffer horrifying lesions, then it's good enough. Period.

-We won't admit there's a problem until it gets much larger.

-This whole thing doesn't warrant an actual recall, just pulling current stock off the shelves... maybe until it's all forgotten. The next Summer Fashion season is only nine months away, after all...

-Since flip-flops only contact a small part of your skin, it's not like it's etching your whole face off or anything. Jeez.

-If a large corporation drains jobs away from your country by replacing locally-made products with mass-produced toxic crap from a dollar-fifty-a-day-wages overseas slave pit, and those products make you skin burn and peel... consult a physician.

Wal-Mart: Always Low Standards?

Russia Understands Democracy Better Than The Busheviks

Democracy requires that the governed approve (implicitly or otherwise) of those who govern.

You aren't likely to get that approval when you run a government based on fear, paranoia, domestic espionage, and militarism. Or at least if you do want to run a government based on fear, paranoia, domestic espionage, and militarism, you'd better throw the peasants a bone. Make it something most folks can agree they like, whether they'll admit it publicly or not.

That's why I'd like to salute the political wisdom of Russian provincial governor Sergei Morozov for declaring today to be National Stay Home And Screw Day. Or something to that effect -- my Russian isn't that good.

Go ahead and laugh. But people will put up with a lot of crap from their rulers if there's at least a minimal degree of comfort and/or entertainment value involved. The ancient Romans used to call that sort of thing "bread and circuses."

The Bush Administration really should consider something like this. If everyone was doing it to each other for one day, that would be one day they don't have to worry about it being done to them by their government.

Besides, if there was a "National Dirty Sex Day" in the US, you just know it would be the perfect occasion to bomb the crap out of Iran and not have any of the major news networks even notice.

Now, here's a completely-unsafe-for-work song:

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Law & Order: V.I.P. Treatment

VOICE OVER: In the criminal justice system, the basic acceptable behaviors of our society are spelled out and apply to every person as a basic tenet of citizenship. Many citizens fall through the cracks, and are entitled to special handling based on their position in life. These are their stories.

Scene: The Minnesota District Attorney's office. DA Arthur Branch (Fred Thompson) paces back and forth behind his desk, fiddling with his Stars And Stripes lapel pin. Seated in front of the desk is Assistant DA Jack McCoy (Sam Waterston), a thick file on his lap labelled Craig, Larry (Sen.).

BRANCH: Jack, this defendant is withdrawing his guilty plea.

MCCOY: (Shocked) What? You have to be kidding me!

BRANCH: You should know by now I have no sense of humour, Jack. (Adjusting flag pin again) Frankly, I think we should just dismiss the charges altogether.

MCCOY: On what grounds is he withdrawing the plea?

BRANCH: Larry Craig had been under a lot of pressure from an Idaho paper after they had investigated rumours that he's gay. He wasn't thinking clearly when he was arrested.

MCCOY: What a load of crap! Have you even read this thing? It's open and shut. The man was read his Miranda rights, had plenty of time to call a lawyer, he spoke at length with the officers, tried to influence them by pointing out he's a Senator. He read the arrest report and signed it, agreeing to enter the plea. He only made a fuss about two months later, after the press caught on. Are you telling me he was cringing in terror over this for two months before he did anything about it? The man is a member of the US Senate. They make laws, and he doesn't understand the basics of pleading guilty? It's not like he just arrived stoned and not speaking English from Mars and has never, ever watched "Law And --"

BRANCH: What Larry Craig should have known or done is irrelevant. The point here is that the man's life is going to be ruined. His going to lose his job, he's going to be a public laughingstock, and all because he was under... (adjusts flag pin again) (Note to Props: need the biggest one we can find here. May require special lighting) undue pressure from the cops.

MCCOY: What the hell is going on here? I've been here long enough to know that I'm the defender of constitutional rights, and you're the knee-jerk neocon. Why the sudden role reversal?

BRANCH: Jack, you have to understand that there are greater interests at stake here than merely enforcing the letter of the law. There's a higher principle involved.

MCCOY: What higher principle are we here to defend, Arthur, other than our system of law as established by The Constitution?

BRANCH: I'm running for President, Jack. I need to get in as much practice defending the indefensible as I can. (his flag pin falls off, breaking his coffee mug as it bounces off the desk onto the floor). But enough about Larry Craig. Let's talk about my plans for Iran...

Monday, September 10, 2007

Whoops! Telus 911 Service Drops The Ball

Not that I'm the type to go out of my way to bash Telus, or anything, but I couldn't help but say something about their 911 service in regards to the recent quadruple killing in Victoria. The 911 call in question, you see, was sent to the wrong city.

Telus spokesman Shawn Hall, on the benefits of outsourcing: "They don't publicize it because they know customers will be concerned when they discover their personal and business phone records are being accessed in foreign countries."

It's even more disconcerting when your 911 calls go to the wrong city. To which Mr Hall says "It may well have caused a delay. The kind of delay would be in the magnitude of seconds or minutes. I don't know if there was a delay."

Um, I think there was a delay, Shawn. Let me explain: if you call Point A, and the call instead gets sent to Point B... there's a delay.

Understandably, 911 systems are among the best maintained and most monitored systems at any phone company. And yes, mistakes can happen anywhere. But aren't they more likely to happen when the phone company in question appears to be more concerned with profits than people?

Just remember this next time your Telus bill is screwed up and they "accidentally" send your call to Manila, and they try to upsell you instead of fixing your problem. It's a natural consequence of any service that shifts from service-driven to profit-driven.

A Final Word On Khalil Gibran School... From The Hulk!

Hulk not like puny picture! Hulk click on picture, make bigger! Ahrrrr!

Larry Craig Wants To Wipe Off His Chin And Keep Sucking In The Senate

Rumors are flying the Senator Larry "Shithouse Rat" Craig may attempt to fight his voluntary guilty plea and withdraw his resignation from the US Senate.

His lawyers argument goes like this: Larry was under too much pressure to think properly and decided to plead guilty, because pleading guilty is the easiest way to make a false charge go away, just like it did with Galileo. Besides, we all know that Minneapolis cops read "The Idaho Statesman" all the time, cruising for possibly-gay politicians from half a country away. Man, those Minneapolis cops are hardcore.

Think I'm joking? Go ahead, read that link.

Defender of American Greatness Senator Arlen Specter is on Larry's side. Minnesota law states that a guilty plea can be withdrawn if it was not "intelligently made." "...And what Sen. Craig did was by no means intelligent," says Arlen.

Some other things Larry Craig made a legal commitment to that he should consider withdrawing, based on "new intelligence:" His support for a groundless war, his opposition to stem cell research, his opposition to withdrawal from Iraq, cutting $40 billion from welfare and education, tax breaks for Big Oil, and making it harder for victims of corporate wrongdoing to sue. Oh, and his determined hatred for gays.

Or are you trying to tell me that war, ignorance,and greed ARE "family values?" They must be: being an ignorant hateful warmonger certainly isn't "gay," at least. And nothing is worse than being gay, right Larry?

Ted Byfield Saves The World From Education, Again

Once more, Ted "Socialists hiding in my truss" Byfield has turned his unique journalistic, um, gifts to the subject of public education, which is apparently the main reason why all Canadians live today under the oppressive boot of Liberal Humanism.

This week Ted is onto the threat of publicly-funded Islamic schools, just like in New York where Khalil Gibran International Academy threatens to teach Muslim kids such subversive Arab (sorry... A-rab)killing skills as algebra and astronomy.

A brief synopsis of Canadian educational history: Canada became independent in 1867, not through revolution but through paperwork. Part of the deal was support for public schools, with an option preserved for specifically Catholic schools. You know... Catholic schools, the ones where Frank Zappa immortalized the female students. You can find them in lots of places, not just Canada. There's a bit of a debate going on in Ontario, where there's an election campaign, involving the financing of Islamic schools, just like they do Catholic schools.

I've fished out the tastiest peanuts from Ted's latest column... put on a bib:

"The most telling argument against Tory's proposal -- that this would mean publicly subsidizing Muslim schools where wild-eyed imams could urge young males to donate their lives to Allah by blowing up buildings and murdering their fellow Canadians -- could not, alas, be invoked. How bigoted this would sound. How intolerant, how insensitive, how illiberal -- even if true.

So if you can't call attention to the Muslim peril, even if there is one, then what peril can you call attention to?

Obviously, to the Christian peril, even if there isn't."

Just like CNN, Ted hasn't quite grasped the notion that public schools have a curriculum that is generally steered by a public school board. Again: public. So if blowing yourself up is taught in an Islamic public school, the same subject can be taught anywhere else. Likewise, if some of those Liberal dupes on the board decide that teaching Pipe Bomb 101 is against the public interest, it won't be replacing Chemistry class any time soon.

So I suppose if there is not a "Muslim peril" it's fair that newspapers don't make a fuss about it. But Ted's proclamation that neither exists, therefore he'll complain about the Muslim portion, is unusually fair-mined for our Mr. Byfield.

I'm pretty sure I saw sabretooth-tiger tracks in my yard last night, so I'm going to sit by the window with my shotgun. You never know... they could have really been velociraptor tracks... and we all know from recent events what a menace dinosaurs can be.

Another thing Ted's right about: worrying about non-existent threats is a waste of time. Worrying about them and then making up another one to justify it, though... that's a hobby. Except most hobbies don't waste as much newsprint as Ted's does.

I myself went to a public school... but many of my dates came from Catholic school. Whether it was the inherent logical paradoxes of orthodox Catholicism that made those girls skeptical of what they were told about chastity, or whether teen hormones trump doctrine, or whether is was just those little plaid skirts making me try harder, is beyond me.

The point here is that those students at that school didn't really turn out any different than I did. As a matter of fact, it's been my experience that raising a child in a doctrine-intensive environment is as much a recipe for turning them against those principles as it is for making them into little dogma-bots. It seems that God implanted everyone with at least a little capacity for independent thought, and some tiny fragment of irony.

Everyone, that is, except you Ted. Of course, I doubt that your kind of blinkered, reactive hostility to new ideas was what God had in mind when he shoved your ancestors out of the trees, a couple of million years back.

"I have learned silence from the talkative,
tolerance from the intolerant
and kindness from the unkind.
I should not be ungrateful to those teachers."

-Khalil Gibran

I Can See Everything So Clearly Now!

Everything, that is, except an economy that isn't dependent on cheap foreign crap. And a healthy diverse local economy. And a decent-paying unionized job. And someone over the age of 18 that actually knows what the hell they're talking about in the hardware department. And a long-term sustainable economy.
But Mattel toys? Hot damn, they're on sale!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Paranoia: Don't Leave Home Without It

We can all take comfort in the knowledge that the US Government is carefully analyzing Osama bin Laden's latest video.

It's already been on the Web, or so we're told. So, um... why can't WE see it? What threat, if any, are we being protected from... here on the eve of the Petraeus report?

Bush needed a good threat right about now. Again, maybe it's just the paranoia talking... but the whole thing has the feel of love notes being furtively handed back and forth in class.

"Dear Osama:

Things are going badly for me here. I need you, dammit!



UPDATE: Wow. General Petraeus and Osama both said exactly what Dubya needed/wanted them to say.

I'm soooo shocked.

Ann Coulter Is Larry Craig's Fag Hag

You knew it was only a matter of time until Ann Coulter squeezed out one of her pearls of wisdom regarding Senator Larry " Cruisin' " Craig's men's room polling practices.

We all know by this point that a Republican could fart on an orphan and Ann would insist he should charge for aromatherapy. But her defence of Larry Craig has Ann twisting like dangling chads on a rigged Florida ballot. To wit:

-"There is nothing liberals love more than gay-baiting, which they disguise as an attack on 'hypocrisy' "

Busted! Larry Craig's hatefully consistent anti-gay voting record makes him the perfect target for a good old-fashioned fag-bashing.

This must be how Ann stays so skinny. She's spending her grocery money on airplane glue.

-"The New York Times ran 15 articles on Craig's guilty plea to "disorderly conduct" in a bathroom. The Washington Post ran 20 articles on Craig. MSNBC covered it like it was the first moon landing -- Three small taps for a man, one giant leap for public gay sex!

In other news last week, two Egyptian engineering students, Ahmed Abdellatif Sherif Mohamed and Youssef Samir Megahed, were indicted in Tampa on charges of carrying pipe bombs across states lines. They were caught with the bombs in their car near a Navy base. "

-You ever been to Florida? Oh right... you sometimes lie about living there. Saying that someone was arrested in Tampa "near a naval base" is like saying someone who lives in Rome lives near "a major religious leader." A big chunk of the Tampa area IS a naval base! I'll bet there are lots of Arabs working in corner stores and offices and car dealerships and in repair trucks suspiciously close to a naval base in Tampa, too.

The real news story everyone was missing was how twenty-five years of largely Republican-driven globalization has left your country lacking in manufacturing jobs, your markets flooded with deadly cheap slave-made Chinese imports that your Wal-Martized economy now can't live without. Also, China hacked The Pentagon's computers.

For god's sake Ann... it's the fucking Commies. You Republicanoids used to at least be good for pointing out ONE semi-legitimate menace.

Also, thinking that two pipe bombs could do any serious harm to a US Naval Base would also require using a crack pipe, Ann.

-"If liberals were any happier, they'd be gay."

If they manage to muster the balls for a few impeachments, they'll be flamingly happy.

-"Liberals said the only reason Republicans were not blanketing the airwaves defending Craig -- maybe running him for president -- was because of Republican "homophobia." After howling with rage all week about gay Republicans, to turn around and call Republicans homophobes on Friday was nothing if not audacious."

Funny, I heard just as much coverage as you (presumably) did. The questions I heard were about the judgement of a man who got caught trying to get laid in a place where people go for a crap, whips out his Senate business card to try and get away with it, then plead guilty, then tries to back out of it, then announce he's "not gay" as if that were the crime. Although, given that Craig wanted to amend the Constitution to prevent gay marriage, you're going to have a hell of a time defending the notion that "homophobia" isn't a Republican family value.

-'Underlying the (Republicans') hurry to disown the senator, of course, is the party's brutal agenda of trumpeting the gay-marriage issue. To the extent Sen. Craig, a stalwart in the family values caucus, might morph into a blatant hypocrite before the voters' eyes, he reflects on the party's record in demonizing homosexuality. The rush to cast him out betrays the party's intolerance, which is on display for the public in all of its ugliness."

Liberals don't even know what they mean by 'hypocrite' anymore. It's just a word they throw out in a moment of womanly pique, like "extremist" -- or, come to think of it, "gay." How is Craig a "hypocrite," much less a 'blatant hypocrite'?'

It's like this, Ann honey: if you make a big deal out of opposing something and saying it's morally wrong, and then you sneak around in men's rooms looking for it... you're a hypocrite. A blatant one. Do you know what "hypocrite" means? Ask your Mexican maid. I'll bet she knows.

So what is the real reason there's no deafening gallop of Republicans rushing to his defense? Because it's a fool's errand. That's what they keep you around for, Ann.

-"Did Craig propose marriage to the undercover cop? If not, I'm not seeing the 'hypocrisy.' "

Oh, Consuela! When you're done with the dishes, bring the dictionary. Señora Coulter needs to look up both "hypocrite" and "semantics." Better get a highlighter and point out "twat" to her too.

-'If the charges against Craig are true -- and that is certainly in doubt -- he's a sinner (and barely that, according to The Idaho Statesman), but he is among the least hypocritical people in America.'

Put that scrub brush down, Consuela, you're needed now.