Friday, April 1, 2011

Matthew Currie, 1965-2011: We Hardly Knew Ye

San Francisco (AP) - Noted astrologer, author, and Blogtalkradio show host Matthew Currie has died suddenly after a long and painful battle with hypochondria, caused when an unscheduled Solar Eclipse squared his Moon and Mars. He was 45 years old. He leaves behind a large collection of unwashed laundry and unanswered e-mails. His last words were reportedly "Damn, I predicted this was going to happen next week. Forgot to correct for precession, dammit dammit dammit ack."

Matthew was born in the log cabin he helped his father build in downtown Burnaby, BC. As a child he overcame a speech impediment and went on to learn a total of seven languages, six of which he could only speak in a low mutter with a lot of gestures. At an early age he discovered girls, and shortly thereafter, girls discovered pepper spray.  He developed an interest in astrology, which led to a lifelong career in the panhandling industry. After forging the correct documents, he graduated high school and attended Douglas College in New Westminster, BC, completing a double major of Loitering and Smoking.  In 2009 he left Canada (still considered a high point of Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's administration) for San Francisco. More loitering and smoking ensued.

Matthew Currie was an outspoken critic of the food industry, which frequently got his orders wrong. His last book, "Star Wars: The Dark Jar-Jar Trilogy Volume One: Me-sa Gonna Be Killin' You" will be published by Dark Horse Books this September.

Until a permanent replacement can be found, the part of Matthew Currie will be played by John Cusack.

His liver has been donated to the Centers For Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, where it will be put on display in the main rotunda. In lieu of flowers, Matthew has stated clearly in his will that mourners spend the same amount of money on malt liquor and/or marijuana. In accordance with Matthew's final wishes, he will be cremated and his ashes spread over acclaimed Canadian actress Sunny Leone.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

SyFy Hates You: My Review Of "A Princess Of Mars"

Watching SyFy's adaptation of "A Princess Of Mars" (one of my favorite books as a kid) is like watching one of your old childhood toys being brought magically to life... for the express purpose of being tortured to death by Satan-worshipping Nazi zombies. Slowly.

This movie is an abomination. May Edgar Rice Burroughs arise from his grave and take bloody revenge on all responsible. Now THAT'S something I'd enjoy watching.  It makes me ashamed to have cable. It makes me regret having retinas. It *almost* makes me feel sorry for Traci Lords. It's THAT bad.  It's "Plan 9 From Outer Space" without the sincerity. It's every stupid sci-fi cliché that was never entertaining in the first place, inadequately portrayed by Anthony Sabado's pecs. Traci Lords looks as weathered as the Headless Horseman's saddle, except the Headless Horseman's saddle could probably act better. It's like taking a sip of a fruit smoothie, only to discover it's made from rancid blended fish guts.

Whoever gave the green light to this thing should be waterboarded until they repent, and then they should be waterboarded again just to make sure. Rubbing a DVD of this thing against your crotch would probably cause sterility. If Jesus returned to Earth while this thing was on, he'd probably just say "screw it" and blow the planet up, and he'd probably be right to do so. 

"Traci Lords" and "entertainment" do not belong in the same sentence. Ten bucks would get me a sexier time with the crackhead ho that works a few blocks away from here, and that crackhead would be both sexier and a better actress, even if she was comatose at the time. And I'd feel better about that than I do watching this movie. At best, Traci Lords is "A Princess Of Mars" the same way I would be "A Princess Of Cellblock D" if I was in prison. Except I would retain far more dignity. Yet, despite all this, she still comes across better than Anthony Sabado Jr.

It's hard to tell what Anthony Sabado Jr. wields less believably: his sword, or his dialog. He is less believable than Traci Lord's wig. He only has one emotional setting... assuming that "anesthetized" is an emotion. 

And, Tars Tarkas? Despite being a fictional character, he should sue anyway.

"A Princess Of Mars" is as shamelessly, unabashedly contemptuous of its audience as every movie SyFy has foisted on its audience I've seen in the last year. I'm assuming that the SyFy audience must now consist entirely of the paralyzed, forced to watch it by cruel underpaid nurses... and those stalwart few who keep praying that "Caprica" will somehow get better. SyFy apparently has a pure, unadulterated hatred and contempt for its audience. It makes most of the stuff on Spike TV look like King Lear.

Literate, intelligent fans of science fiction should not merely ignore SyFy: they should issue a fatwa against it. Better yet: they shouldn't even bother. Watching SyFy slowly drown in its own excrement will be a lot more satisfying, and infinitely more entertaining.

Not recommended.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

More Greed Porn

You want a mortgage? You want to struggle against a shrinking real income to pay it off? Why not get a home equity loan and invest that money in other people's mortgages to make the money to pay off the mortgage?

Oh yeah baby. You can have them both... all night long. And then you'll have the wealth and power to live like a God, and do God-like things... like see the stars through your telescope during the daytime. Indoors.

Life is good.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Greed Porn

With all the arguments out there that porn leads to infidelity, divorce, rape, child sexual abuse, and so many other sexually-based ills... why is no one pointing out the obvious?

People were worked into a financial frenzy over promises that life could only get better as time went on, and as they kept consuming, and kept buying overpriced houses, and getting loans against those houses and investing them.

Money is supposed to be something you earn in order to exchange it for goods and services. It's not something magical mined from The Future (or thin air) to feed the over-hyped appetites of Today. But of course there was a buck to be made pushing that approach on you. And there was a buck to be made separating you from your bucks.

Don't be too embarrassed. You bought in to the artificially-pumped dreams just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, you're probably swearing you'll never get that drunk and act that stupid again.

Please, people of Earth.... learn from this.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Sarah Palin, Harbinger Of The Apocalypse

As someone who has sat back and watched US Federal politics for a long time, and as someone who has prayed for the change I had hoped Barack Obama would bring, I am now officially putting my hopes for a better world in the freezer for the next few years.

Why? For two reasons:

1) As one analyst after another on the tube today is saying-but-not-saying, White Woman trumps Black Man. Those Americans who simply can't stomach the notion of a black guy in the White House can make themselves feel better by voting for a white woman.

Of course, these are the same people who would have justified voting for a McCain/Mitt Romney ticket, or McCain/Pawlenty, or McCain/Sock Puppet for that matter. But because it's a woman, everyone can act like they're all progressive an' shit.

Trust me, no one with the Republican Party is going to bitch about Palin's lack of experience... a little under two years as a Governor. Sure, they bitched about Obama's "lack of experience," but of course he's playing for the wrong team.

If/when elected, Sarah Palin will be the least politically-experienced VP since Spiro Agnew.

(There's a line the Dems should play up. Just like Bush kept bashing away with "evildoers," "Spiro Agnew" should be the soundbite du jour. But do they have the imagination for it?)

...But I'm sure Sarah Palin has the naked ambition and pure inflexibility required to be a Republican Vice President. That, and a willingness to torture foreigners in order to save fetuses, or however the logic goes.

2) The Heavens Themselves have already declared Shenanigans on this upcoming election.

Or rather, The Heavens, via Diebold.