Monday, October 29, 2007

FEMA Lies Make Baby Mothra Cry

More proof that the indomitable will of Mothra will not be denied:

Although US Government lies by press conference are so common they're (apparently) not noteworthy any more, FEMA external affairs chief John Philbin has been fired for holding a fake news conference about fake news with fake questions from fake reporters. Specifically, the fake news conference was addressing all the fake aid being made immediately available to all the wealthy, predominantly white victims of California's recent wildfires. This is in contrast to the real news conferences about all the fake aid to the predominantly black victims of Hurricane Katrina.

As this is a global-warming-related issue, Mothra has directly interceded, crushing Philbin's career, like a bug.

Mothra, Guardian Spirit of the Earth, smites you FEMA! Beware her wrath!

Friday, October 26, 2007

I Have Found Salvation!


My friends. My dear, dear Friends:

I have been away from you, walking the dark paths of my own soul. But I return to you Enlightened, and bearing a message of Salvation.

I have given my heart to Our Lady And Saviour... Mothra.

Whenever the nefarious King Ghidorah attacks Earth... usually starting with Japan... all it ever takes is for someone to open their heart to the eternal warmth and love of Our Gigantic Insectoid Mistress, chant her sacred song... and Mothra will arise to smite the menace.

Unlike other religions, this actually works, and I can prove it.

Alberta Premier Ed Stelmach recently announced that Alberta would be collecting almost-but-not-quite reasonable royalties from Big Oil. Big Oil had previously said they would take their money and go away if Stelmach did this.

Naturally, as all Albertans, I was quaking in terror at the thought of the petro-giants taking Alberta's Big Money Fix away.

Immediately after Ed made his announcement, I fell to my knees in prayer to Mothra, that we all may be saved.

And guess what? Petro-Canada has announced that they're still gonna buy oil from us, like they needed it or something!


Praise you Mothra. We are weak, but you are strong.




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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

We Have To Stop Meeting Like This

The Alberta NDP is demanding that Premier Ed Stelmach release information about a closed-door meeting with oil execs.

"Government spokesman Tom Olsen says the premier hasn’t met with any energy industry officials since the royalty report was released, but the deputy premier is willing to identify who he’s met with from the energy sector."

Oh, I get it. You didn't shoot anyone, but that darned bullet of yours sure did...

Stelmach was always big on the whole "open and transparent" and transparent thing. It's just a shame that by "open and transparent" the Conservative government was talking about being "open and transparent" about it's complete contempt for the voters or sustainability.

Maybe Ed needs to get some quick bullshit PR for hire mercenaries to parachute in and save his ass...




Friday, October 12, 2007

Are You There, Joseph Farah? It's Me, God


Dear Joe:

Thanks for all the prayers. I'm glad you liked the titanium golf clubs, but you don't need to thank me: they were a business write-off for one of your clients. But thanks for the thought anyway.

Misdirection is actually the reason I'm writing to you today. I read your recent column at World Net Daily about evolution, and I think it's time I cleared up a few things for you.

First of all, biblical literalism: I know how you guys love to bend and stretch things to fit the exact words you see in that Bible in front of you. That's why you folks are constantly pushing the notion that the universe is about 6000 years old, based on Bishop Ussher's interpretation of the Old Testament.

Joe: science has moved on a little since the 1600s. I can prove it, too. You, for example, have a web site ...not a scroll.

I understand that you feel the need to defend your faith. That's great. A lot of good has come from that in its time, even if much of it has been from people like Mother Theresa who secretly doubt Me. And you'd be amazed how many perfectly nice atheists there are out there. Honest!

What I'm trying to say here, Joe, is that you have a brain. Whether you want to blame that fact on Me, or on Evolution, don't you think it's a shame you aren't using it? Again: faith is one thing, but doing crazy intellectual back-flips to justify the letter of the law but not the spirit? That's the sort of thing that pisses me off. It makes me blowing-up-Gomorrah cranky, but of course that's not really my style.

Surprise!

Joe: think. Biblical literalism has its limits. Or are you trying to tell me you don't eat pork and regularly "suffer not a witch to live"?

Seriously, dude. Think about it.

Anyway, I have to go now. There's a planetary nebula in Andromeda that's turning out really nicely, and I want to go watch. Try to be a little smarter and kinder to each other, okay? It would be a terrible disappointment if you guys gave in to your own worst instincts and blew each other up.

Of course, if you do, I have some amazing plans for the bandicoot in about four million years. They'll do me proud at least, I'm sure.

.




Thursday, October 11, 2007

Genocide Is Wrong

I know genocide is wrong. You know genocide is wrong. There's no question in my mind. Is there any in yours?

Then why would George W. Bush condemn a puffball non-binding House Resolution calling the extermination of a sub-set of your species exactly what it was... genocide?

Don't give me any of the "political" reasons. I want to hear a human reason.

Otherwise, you're next.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

I Demand A Refund: My Review Of The First Thirty Minutes of "Turistas"


Last night my buddy Faith and I watched Turistas. It's far and away the worst horror movie in ages. I'm publishing my responses to the first half-hour of it here. If you want more, I could record a complete DVD commentary, but I'd want money up front. Lots of it. And booze, too.

00:22 Smash-cut to a young woman pleading for mercy on what seems to be some sort of operating table. I love symbolism in a movie. The surgery represents modern global entertainment conglomerates. The unseen surgeon is the director, a guy named John Stockwell. The victim pleading for release from the pain is you.

Stockwell apparently received an Emmy nomination for an episode of "The L Word." He then got a deal to direct this abomination, which should have been called "The S Word."

1:10: The credits. A nice quick montage of a tour bus driving through scenic downtown nowhere in Brazil, overlaid with newspaper clippings (in English) about missing US Tourists in scenic downtown nowhere, Brazil. A lot of movies can be summarized by the two-minute trailer: this one breaks new ground in that it can be summarized by its own opening credits.

3:40-5:05: Here we have the two lines of dialogue per person set-up where we establish who the Turistas are, and why we should care about them. Mission: Not Accomplished. One of them is quite loud and rude though, which is a stunning reversal of stereotype about American tourists.

3:50: "Hola, everyone! I'm your bus driver, Señor Plot Device! I'll be driving the bus like a complete idiot just long enough to crash it and strand you tourists in the middle of nowhere. Have a nice day..."

3:54: The first of many gratuitous swimwear shots, and we aren't even off the bus yet.

5:05: Proof that a bus crash can actually be pretty damned boring.

6:20: The name Michael Arlen Ross flashes on the screen for the writing credit. His previous writing credits include... actually, there's no evidence he could write anything, in this movie or elsewhere. He did edit "Wrong Turn" though, which according to IMDB.com is a tale of "cannibalistic mountain men grossly disfigured through generations of in-breeding." I'm guessing it's a documentary about a Mitt Romney fundraiser.

6:20-6:35: We are given a second chance for the cipher/characters to introduce themselves and give us a reason to care about them. Strike two!

7:20: Alex, the loud jerk American, has been in Brazil long enough to get lost in the jungle, but hasn't figured out that the local language is Portuguese, not Spanish. Does no one read up on a place before they go there anymore?

8:16: "Hi, we're oversexed Englishmen. Don't worry, we'll be dead before this is all over."

8:42: Vultures circling. "Do they know something we don't?" Yes. Vultures have an unerring instinct for where a young actor's career is headed.

9:05: Trouble with some of the locals. Apparently they're upset because tourists have been spreading some kind of rumours about an organ-stealing operation in this neck of the rain forest, or something like that. At least it gives someone a chance to shout at the main cast, which should have happened before they signed on for this thing.

10:06: "We're in the middle of nowhere, a long way from town, but there's a bar on the beach! Woo hoo!" This is also the exact same thought process a moth goes through on his way to rendezvous with an open flame.

11:45: Let's go swimming, but oh darn... "I left my top in Rio." Yes, and you left your common sense at home when you let your agent hook you up with this travesty, so get topless honey. It's your only chance to redeem your career.

11:50: Oh. You're lovely, don't get me wrong, but I was wrong about it redeeming your career.

13:51: Meet Insanely Hot Brazilian Woman #1, and her friend IHBW #2. They too are apparently members of the Plot Device family, who must be breeding like rabbits.

14:45: The Swedish Tourists: they're as young, stupid and drunk as every other non-Brazilian in the bar. Don't worry, they'll be dead soon.

15:00: "Brazilians are so friendly!" Not after they see this thing...

15:45: A little alcohol helps our heroes come to the conclusion that being lost and drunk in the middle of nowhere beats anything resembling what the Lonely Planet Guide said to do in a situation like this. Besides, there will probably be another bus along in a while, and it can crash us somewhere newer and even more exciting!

16:15: The Mysterious And Sinister Brazilian Doctor is doing charity work in the free clinic. We know he's sinister because the handlebar moustache-twirling, black top hat, and evil laugh are sure signs. He gets a phone call from IHBW #1, who promises delivery of the packages, or something.

17:20 "Hi, I'm Kiko the charmingly inept local. American girls are pretty. Please mock my language skills. It will distract you from the question of -- how you say in English? -- who wrote this piece of shit in the first place."

18:55: An ominous looking Brazilian Dude is watching a static-y broadcast of Hogan's Heroes in Portuguese, making him the best-entertained person in this entire situation, myself included. It's time for him to go do his work, which involves shady guys making cash payments and looking ominous. This guy has the ominous thing down.

22:15: Lots of close ups of female asses shaking on the dance floor. I've never watched "The L Word," but based on a description of the series I once heard from a couple of construction workers, it must be just like this scene.

23:15: My God! IHBW #2 only slept with Obnoxious Englishman #1 because she's a hooker? Yup. She puts her clothes back on and leaves, taking his money, never to be seen again. This girl is the smartest person in the movie, and I admire her for that.

24:20: People are the same all over the world: leave your drink unattended, someone's going to slip Roofies into it. One note: based on the direction of this scene, I doubt like hell the director has a lot of experience with tranquilizers. Or movies.

24:50: Son of a bitch! We were drugged and robbed and our bodies were dumped right on the beach, right in front of this bar! And where did the Swedes go? Screw the Swedes! Screw the cash and the credit cards and the passports and the ID!

They got Nana's wedding ring!!!

26:10: Swedes On A Stick: The Swedish couple are being paraded through the jungle by a group of locals led by Ominous Brazilian Guy. The Swedes are swinging from sticks like missionaries in a 1940's Tex Avery cartoon.

26:50: My Portuguese isn't that good, but here's a rough translation of what the Brazilian thugs have to say:

"This looks like an excellent place to put the victims down, wander 50 feet away, and smoke cocaine!"

"Why yes Nigel, I do believe that's a smashing idea!"

"My, this is excellent cocaine. I hope we tied those Swedes up loosely enough."

"This reminds me of a tale Lord Winthrop told at the Club last Regatta. He said that -- oh heavens, the Swedes are escaping!"

"Lord Winthrop said that? How odd."

"No... the Swedes are escaping!"

"Good thing, that: we're nearly half an hour in and nothing interesting has happened yet."

"I found the scantily-clad Brazilian women interesting."

"You can get that on the Internet for free, without having to endure this dialogue."

"Really?"

"Oh my, yes. Dirtylatinamaids.com. I highly recommend it. They do more than windows!"

"Ha, ha! How witty. Ah, goodness me... Off with my machete now, tally ho!"

27:45-28:10: He-Swede loses a couple of fingers to the machete. She-Swede, sensibly, runs off a cliff. Their suffering is over. Yours has just begun.

Seriously, this is the dullest de-fingering I think I've ever seen. Lamer than that industrial safety video from 1980 they show to all the new employees.

29:35: "Someone in this town must know what's going on!" Yes they do. A bunch of stupid college-age foreigners got drunk and doped in some hostile foreign backwater and were robbed, and may soon be dead. Brazilians are just too polite to point out the obvious.

29:36 to the end of the movie: Why bother? It's all downhill from here.

Maybe Faith and I are turning into old farts, but mindless, stupid, badly-thought-out slasher horror was done so much better in the 80s. Like "Sleepaway Camp" which was really truly atrocious on every last level, but at least managed to entertaining, even if by accident. "Turistas" wasted millions (and hopefully a couple of careers) for nothing.




Encana Killed Santa Claus: A Reasoned Response To The Alberta Royalties Issue


The level-headed responses to The Alberta Oil Revenues issue keep pouring in:

-Canadian National Resources says they'll cut drilling operations up to 65 percent.

-Petro-Canada (Remember? The guys who were supposed to be looking after our national interests? Me neither) Boss Ron Brenneman: "...acknowledged the system should 'share the upside' with Albertans through higher royalties when prices are high.

'But right now at current prices, investment can't tolerate much higher royalties."

...which raises questions about which alternate universe Ron fills his tank in.

Prime Minister Harper, in a sudden display of common sense (at least politically), is staying the hell away from the issue.

It's time for reason and common sense to prevail equally on ALL sides of this issue. In that spirit, I offer this sane and wise counter-punch:

Encana killed Santa Claus.

Calgary's annual Santa Claus parade, originally planned for November 18th this year has now been canceled. This is because traffic downtown is hopelessly bunged up (as it will be for a year) in order to construct the breathtakingly fugly Bow Building, which looks like it was designed by a cyborg Albert Speer.

In the meantime, Christmas will still arrive as scheduled in Venezuela.



Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Is Big Oil As Smart As A Chimp?


Interesting things happen when you teach chimps to play with tokens.

Chimps, it seems, are better at some decision-making processes than humans. Imagine a game where you are given X number of tokens. You then offer Player 2 Y percentage of those tokens... 50 percent or 5 percent or 80 percent or whatever, your choice. A human player of this game will usually offer up something around 50 percent of the take. Humans also have a tendency to reject an offer if it falls well below the 50 percent threshold, even though rejecting that offer means that the human in question gets nothing. In other words, the average human will tend to reject a gift of twenty bucks from someone like Donald Trump. A chimp, on the other hand, will gladly take Trump's twenty without question and go spend it... or whatever chimps do with their money.

It's a little like the current situation the Alberta government is in -- except the chips are petroleum, and Alberta has all the chips.

In (I swear!) completely unrelated news, Canadian Natural Resources has joined the ranks of those petroleum companies who want to take their bat and ball and go play somewhere else if Alberta dares to increase oil revenues to match reasonable standards elsewhere.

My analogy may be a little weak, I admit. After all, chimps are not noted for having the grasp of language, culture and psychology required to be deceptive bastards like oil companies and other humans.

Also: Do you think Ed Stelmach has fully grasped what a shitty job his party has done of diversifying the Provincial economy yet?



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Sunday, October 7, 2007

Let's Go Crazy: Time To Play The Chavez Card?


The downtrodden, Dickensian waifs of Big Oil continue to pout and wail at the notion that Alberta might actually dare ask for a proper share of petroleum revenues. Weighing in recently: Pedro van Meurs in the Financial Post, who used to run an oil company. He figures the situation can be worked out.

"'What Americans don't understand is that the two systems are very different. In the U.S. system, the royalty rate is written in your lease; it's a contractual agreement. In Alberta, that is not the case. An Alberta lease says you shall pay whatever royalty the government decides from time to time.'

'Statoil, Shell, Total have good lawyers and know perfectly well that Alberta's royalties can change," he said. "Leases are loud and clear. The province doesn't even have to consult."'

Which is all fine and well, except that of course The Financial Post feels compelled to end with:

"Of course, that's all very well and good, but the oil companies also have the right to not do business in Alberta either. That's why an industry-government commission must arbitrate a fair deal."

This is Diane Francis writing, after all... not Santa Claus. But humour me: go read that article, then read this. Does charging the same percentage royalty for a well near Edmonton as you would for a well near El Paso really seem so greedy or ill-advised, particularly since even an increased cut for Alberta still means lucrative write-offs for start-up costs?

Since there's so much Oil Industry fear-mongering going around of late, I thought I'd do a little freelance work and throw out something shocking to get Big Oil's attention.

Hugo Chavez.

That's right: dreaded South American strongman, part-time crackpot, and enemy of foreign investment, Hugo Chavez. He nationalized the oil industry in Venezuela. He didn't increase royalties, he didn't take away investment incentive... he bloody well nationalized it. Foreign investment in Venezuela's petroleum industry is (technically) illegal. Surely, no true Albertan would want something that radical, would they? After all, that would drive away business.

So: why is Venezuela America's Number Four supplier of oil?

My guess is that it's because America is jonesing for oil, and Venezuela has it. And I'm guessing America pays for it with the same cash they buy oil from Alberta or Saudi Arabia or Cote D'Ivoire with.

So, anyway, Big Oil... you were saying something about leaving...?

Friday, October 5, 2007

China Vs. The Boy Scouts

Want more proof that globalization is bad for kids? We're not talking about the usual Wal-Mart Flip Flops Of Rash-Covered Doom this time:

Now China is poisoning The Boy Scouts.

Here's some rainy-day fun for you: here's the Boy Scouts Law. See how many of these China, those who would cheapen us all with globalization, and those who apologize for them are breaking!

TRUSTWORTHY
A Scout tells the truth. He keeps his promises. Honesty is part of his code of conduct. People can depend on him.

LOYAL
A Scout is true to his family, Scout leaders, friends, school, and nation.

HELPFUL
A Scout is concerned about other people. He does things willingly for others without pay or reward.

FRIENDLY
A Scout is a friend to all. He is a brother to other Scouts. He seeks to understand others. He respects those with ideas and customs other than his own.

COURTEOUS
A Scout is polite to everyone regardless of age or position. He knows good manners make it easier for people to get along together.

KIND
A Scout understands there is strength in being gentle. He treats others as he wants to be treated. He does not hurt or kill harmless things without reason.

OBEDIENT
A Scout follows the rules of his family, school, and troop. He obeys the laws of his community and country. If he thinks these rules and laws are unfair, he tries to have them changed in an orderly manner rather than disobey them.

CHEERFUL
A Scout looks for the bright side of things. He cheerfully does tasks that come his way. He tries to make others happy.

THRIFTY
A Scout works to pay his way and to help others. He saves for unforeseen needs. He protects and conserves natural resources. He carefully uses time and property.

BRAVE
A Scout can face danger even if he is afraid. He has the courage to stand for what he thinks is right even if others laugh at or threaten him.

CLEAN
A Scout keeps his body and mind fit and clean. He goes around with those who believe in living by these same ideals. He helps keep his home and community clean.

REVERENT
A Scout is reverent toward God. He is faithful in his religious duties. He respects the beliefs of others.

Larry Craig Is Gay. Larry Craig Is Not Gay. Larry Craig Is Guilty. Larry Craig Is Not Guilty...

Larry Craig announced he'd be resigning from Congress September 30th. Larry Craig has now announced he's riding out the last 15 months of his term.

Finally: honest, straightforward Republican leadership!


Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
Oh, how I wish he'd go away

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn't see him there at all

Why hasn't the American Right collapsed into a terminal bout of cognitive dissonance yet?

Render Unto Big Oil: Hill & Knowlton Whitens Your Sepulchres


"Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye are like unto whited sepulchres, which indeed appear beautiful outward, but are within full of dead men's bones, and of all uncleanness."
-Matthew 23:27

No one should be surprised that the petroleum companies are threatened by the Alberta government's admission they they should be charging more for the hand jobs, and no one should be surprised that The National Post is in the front row of the cheerleaders. Today's Post nicely manages to compare increased royalties to the crucifixion of Christ under the emperor Tiberius.

(By the way, if the Canadian public applied The Tiberius Standard Of Accuracy to The National Post, that paper would have been thrown to its death ages ago...)

So, who defends the moneyed interests, when the money needs defending? Some soldiers fight for a cause, others do it for money. We call those soldiers "mercenaries"... those who kill for profit. And Alberta's petroleum interests have hired one of the biggest and baddest mercenary armies out there: Hill & Knowlton.

Hill & Knowlton is the international PR firm behind getitrightalberta.ca, a polished and professional web site disguising itself as a grassroots movement of Alberta pro-oil citizens that sprang up seemingly overnight in response to the Alberta oil royalties issue. This underscores Hill & Knowlton's "24x7x365" readiness to respond to a crisis. Of course, we aren't talking about the kind of crisis where things are burning down and lives are threatened... we're talking about the kind of crisis where the livestock suddenly demands slightly better feed. Business Edge even ends their article on the matter with the phrase "Can Alberta get it right in 2007?"

The fear and rhetoric building up around the Oil Royalties issue reminds me of the buildup of fear and falsehoods about Iraq before the invasion(s). And maybe that's not entirely coincidental.

In 1991, many were moved by the testimony of a semi-anonymous "Nurse Nariyah" who testified to a Congressional hearing that "I saw the Iraqi soldiers come into the hospital with guns, and go into the room where . . . babies were in incubators. They took the babies out of the incubators, took the incubators, and left the babies on the cold floor to die." What was lost amongst the tears and outrage is that "Nurse Nariyah" was the daughter of the Kuwaiti ambassador to the US, and that H&K coached her to say things even the Kuwaitis knew at the time weren't true, in order to justify the invasion.

Our dependency on oil is a bad habit. Hill & Knowlton has lots of practice at defending those. In 1954, H&K helped the tobacco industry try to dismiss the recent notion that smoking might not be such a good idea. And let's not forget Hill & Knowlton's stirring defense of torturers, corporate criminals, Enron, Scientology, and polluters, among others.

Will Albertans (and their government) cringe in superstitious terror about losing their oil money, or will they realize that oil is money... more so than ever... and it doesn't belong to the companies to extract it and sell it, any more than a pimp owns his prostitutes?

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Telus: Forced By Regulations To Apologize


Western phone giant Telus has spent years now preparing to clean out the local economy of jobs. The net result has been continued profits. Even before the lockout, there were pressures from management to boost sales and trim service. I should know: I was there.

These profits come at a price: namely, bad service. According to The Edmonton Journal: "Between July 1, 2002, and June 30, 2003, there were 1,245 quality-of-service complaints against Telus to the CRTC from telephone subscribers in Alberta and B.C., compared to 216 the year before. Due to the massive effort needed to maintain and restore service in B.C., Telus fell behind in repair and installation calls in both provinces."

Again, I was there. And yes the B.C. situation was a mjor contributing factor. But unthinking corporate profit-motive was at least as big a factor.

It's a good thing Telus applied for an adjustment to how the CRTC defines "quality of service" in case it happens again (funny... I could have sworn that Telus PR flak Shawn Hall said that having call takers in Manila would make the next disaster go more smoothly). And applied for another "Q of S" adjustment for when they held the TWU's feet to the fire when that union... the guys who were trying to tell you this was going to happen... was locked out.

Of course, that's just this year's adjustment applications. Feel free to have a dig through the CRTC web site for more. Telus isn't going to tell you about them.

Telus customers will be receiving a rebate in time for Christmas because of all the inconvenience... a whole two dollars and seventy-three cents worth. Or, put another way, about an hour's wages for an outsourced Telus customer service rep in Manila. About half the time it will take you to fix any issues with your account.


Big Oil: Still Hungry For Beaver


Some petroleum companies operating in Alberta, according to today's Calgary Sun, have actually figured out that people are still hungry for oil. While Encana still pouts and threatens to take its money and go play in someone else's sandbox, Enbridge vice-president Richard Bird says "We're doubtful the royalty variable is going to be the make-or-break economic variable in those decisions."

Oil still runs the world, and ask any addict: the hand that supplies the crack rules the world. Even the oil companies themselves seem to be having a harder time than anticipated swallowing that, unlike Paul Jackson, who may have thrown himself behind a rapidly-losing cause. Paul, like much of the Alberta Establishment, is more than willing to keep licking corporate boots in exchange for the occasional bit of change that accidentally falls on his head.

For those of you (like Paul) who fall to their knees in superstitious terror at the thought of the petro-teat being removed, there's always getitrightalberta.ca. It's a web site started by regular, ordinary Joes like you and me to help save Big Oil from the scraping peasants of Alberta.

Regular, ordinary Joes who, as daveberta.ca points out, just happen to be Hill & Knowlton, a big PR firm that specializes in (among other things) rapid, made-to-order spin control for large interests when they feel threatened by the rabble. I'm sure these people are serious, concerned Albertans, and their area code and address is just some sort of typo.

Thanks, Dave, for doing the job that the local media don't seem to have time for. Boot-licking can be awfully time-consuming.

Since this may be the only time I mention petrochemicals and "beaver" in the same blog entry, here's a plastic cowboy video for all the Albertans out there: "Wynona's Big Brown Beaver" by Primus...


Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Ann Coulter Is A Single Female, And Is Therefore Stupid And Shouldn't Vote, According To Ann Coulter

Oh Ann Coulter, you stupid girl.

If you need any more proof of the creeping neuropathy afflicting the American Right, look no further than Ann Coulter. Prepare yourself for more stupidity from the author of "If Democrats Had Any Brains They'd Be Republicans" which hits book store shelves like a big flaming sack of crap today.

Here's the current state of Ann's brain, according to a recent interview with her The New York Observer:

-In the rush to blame Bill Clinton for 9/11, we've overlooked the complicity of History's greatest Monster: Jimmy Carter:

"Jimmy Carter got the whole thing started, Bill Clinton let it build, build, build, build, build. He wouldn't deal with it, because he had no credibility on deploying the military. He was a pot smoking draft dodger, and so when he was presented with credible evidence that this or that country was behind a terrorist attack, he’d just have to look the other way: “No, don't let me hear that. Call in Monica!”

...which raises the question: did Jimmy Carter secretly direct Ronald Reagan's foreign policy for eight years? And if so, why isn't Jimmy taking credit for the fall of the Soviet Union? Oh, right: Jimmy's too busy building hiding places for al-Qaida in Georgia.

-Ann Coulter doesn't trust members of her own (alleged) gender:

"If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president. It's kind of a pipe dream, it's a personal fantasy of mine, but I don't think it's going to happen. And it is a good way of making the point that women are voting so stupidly, at least single women."

You're right. All single women are idiots except you, Ann honey. It's utter stupidity to let those left behind most by the US economy in the last decade vote. Well, second most, anyway. Why didn't Ann have the cojones to invoke Jim Crow while we're at it? Of late there's been more noise about using Voter Registration to keep poor folks from voting... why not add a quick, Olympic-style gender test at the polls?

-And finally, this twisty bit of non-reasoning as to why "The Left" (read: "living organisms") treat Global Warming like it's their "religion" (read: "an established fact"):

"Because we can't prove them wrong for a thousand years, and I think the other thing about it is, it goes back to Chesterton’s statement: that when people stop believing in God, the problem isn't that they believe in nothing, it's that they'll believe anything. And that's what you constantly see with people who don't believe in God: They're always imitating the most ridiculous, primitive religions. And it is like a primitive religion, thinking if we just change these lightbulbs, we can change the temperature of the ocean. It's the craziest thing! Even primitive people wouldn't believe something that silly."

Funny, I thought "they" had been "proven right" a few years ago. Of course if Global Warming is a religion, then climatologists must be its priests. You can hide a lot of collection plates under those lab coats, you know. I'm just disappointed Ann didn't write us a list of which religions are the ridiculous, primitive ones. I'm guessing "Pentecostal" isn't on her list. Off the top of my head, I'll bet she's referring to voodoo.

You know, the one where you make a false image of something you hate and attack it from the comfort of your own home, rather than confront the issue directly. Ann, of course, knows better than to use pins and dolls, when a word processor is so much less work.

Ideology is one thing, but the American Right is acting more and more all the time like there's an actual neurological issue. Ann has recently lost the ability to understand basic human social behaviour. Rush Limbaugh continues to slander the troops his ass pimple wouldn't let him join, and Bill O'Reilly continues to lie about liars lying about him.

This sort of thing worries me. What if it's contagious? Never mind the Democrats... someone call House!

And isn't it amazing that a stupid girl like Shirley Manson of Garbage could have written a song about stupid girls like stupid Ann Coulter years ago, with hardly any help at all from boys?

What drives you on
Can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had...

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Also In The Sun Today...



If you get tired of trying to figure out the Paul Jackson "Liberals bad / Conservatives good" doublethink in today's Sun, take heart: apparently the regular Sunshine Girl feature (always a gold mine for amateur silicone researchers) has been replaced with "Fourteen Year Old Hookers Of The World." Today we have Maura, who apparently won the Chilean equivalent of Canadian/American/Armenian Idol. Nice work Maura! I foresee an exciting career in entertainment for you... making your fortune 20 bucks at a time.

Paul Jackson: Blaming The Liberals Makes Us All Richer


Calgary Sun columnist Paul Jackson would blame The Liberal Party for Alberta's abject financial woes.

Alberta -- sitting on near Saudi-sized reserves of petroleum -- has clearly been screwed economically. The clear evidence is there. Paul mentions that Alberta has the country's strongest economy (oh, right, no he doesn't) while mooning over his big autographed picture of Brian and Mila Mulroney.

A note for non-Albertans: back in the 70s and 80s there was a thing brought in by the Federal government called The National Energy Program. Long story short: Alberta was making a lot of money, the rest of the country was hurting, so some of the wealth was redistributed. Ever since then, Albertans like Jackson have complained that the NEP "collapsed Alberta's economy and started a recession that swept coast-to-coast."

In fact, the NEP was so evil that it did that to most of the world's economy. Of course, during the same period of time I was a college student, so maybe that's why Germany's economy was running so rough at the time.

Paul Jackson goes on to complain that the NEP cost Alberta "a good $100 billion, or so is the case when one gets all of one's statistics from Brian Mulroney. By my math, that means someone owes me about 50 grand.

Lousy left-wingers, where's my SUV?

With luck Paul will pick up his own paper today and read the front-page story about how Alberta's oh-so-Conservative government sat back knowingly while losing out on nine billion dollars in oil revenue over a three-year period alone. Auditor-general Fred Dunn says, in a masterpiece of Canadian understatedness: "The principles of transparency and accountability, I believe, were not followed." Or in other words... "folks, looks like you got screwed."

Good thing I don't have that SUV. The infrastructure around town is starting to look pretty shaky. I suppose all the road crews are Liberals too...

Monday, October 1, 2007

Wal-Mart: Trying Hard Not To Poison Your Kids This Christmas... For Less!

Wal-Mart has released it's all-important strategy for its continued domination of your local economy this holiday season: lowest prices on the twelve most popular toys this Christmas. There's nothing new about that: what's new is Wal-Mart telling you that these are the twelve most popular toys. It's a shame they didn't think of this in time to move those toxic rash-causing Chinese made flip flops off the shelves faster.

Wal-Mart: Always Pavlovian Pricing?

And speaking of responding to stimuli, Technorati.com rang a bell and told me to do this:

Technorati Profile

So I did.

Encana Shows A Little Pimp Hand To Alberta

Canada's most profitable company in 2003 and 2004, Encana, doesn't want to give its fair share back to it's number one cash cow, the province of Alberta. The Alberta government -- hardly a bunch of lefties -- recently noted that the oil industry has fallen shy a couple of billion dollars of what the should rightly have paid back into the province.

Encana has no problem with spending money -- they have loads of it -- if it involves bulldozing some of historic downtown Calgary to make room for a hideous, Borg-inspired eyesore with their name on it. There's all kinds of tax breaks to be had when it comes to producing an eyesore -- which Calgary already has enough of.

Randy Eresman, Encana's CEO, has said that Encana's coughing up its fair share "will have immediate and long-term impacts on working Albertans" and that "We would greatly regret seeing these job opportunities evaporate."

Screw you, Randy. Go dig more holes in Wyoming if that makes you happy. You and I both know where North America's biggest petroleum reserves are. And since you've been in the oil business for so long, you seem to have forgotten how the free market works. So, a reminder:

A has something that B wants. A sets the price. If B doesn't like it, he can go shopping for it from C or D. In this specific case, A equals "Alberta." B equals "oil companies." C and D are other parts of the world that don't have as much of what you're looking for, and/or will charge you more for it. It's a classic model, like prostitutes and clients. That model works just fine for eveyone until the pimps start acting up, and the hos forget that they are the product, and they should set the price. That's how honest business works

Eresman was born and raised in Alberta, but suckling at the teat of petroleum apparently makes brothers of greed-heads everywhere. It's just a shame for him that oil can't be outsourced like labour or cheap Wal-Mart flop flops that save you money but cause a rash.

So, allow me to gently rephrase the Our Fair Share report for you: You want some of this? If you don't, there's another drunken, moneyed sailor on shore leave right behind you. Stop wasting my time. You here to do business, or just gawk at our fishnets?