I'm Outsourcing It: Meet The Future Mrs. Chironboy

CHIRONBOY: Hello... is Elena there?

ELENA: Da, here is Elena.

CHIRONBOY: Elena! Hello. This is Chironboy calling.

ELENA: Hello Chironboy! I was looking at your pictures. You have large, beautiful house!

CHIRONBOY: Yes. I bought it for my Mom.

ELENA: You are very kind and generous man!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah. Actually I just live in the basement there, but it's pretty much the same thing.

ELENA: I see. You want to be married, da?

CHIRONBOY: Da. I've already made up my mind, and it's you! I just have to ask you a few questions first.

ELENA: So romantic, this is, da?

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, just a few points to clear up. I notice you're a Taurus.

ELENA: Da. Book says we are kind, loving people.

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, well, when you're over here, you're going to be a Scorpio.

ELENA: But this is not my sign!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, but I have a load of "Scorpio" t-shirts left over from an old girlfriend with a shopping addiction. I'm not about to spend more on this than I have to. I notice here it says you're an administrator.

ELENA: Da, I oversee large manufacturing concern here in Odessa. I have three years, University of Odessa!

CHIRONBOY: That's nice. When you fill out your immigration paperwork, you'll need to spell "administrator" differently. Do you have a pen?

ELENA: Da.

CHIRONBOY: Over here, we spell "administrator" H-O-U-S-E-M-A-I-D.

ELENA: Bozhe moi! This is not sounding right. I feel you dismiss me too cheaply. I am intelligent, beautiful woman. Very capable. You treat me as if I am disposable commodity. I am person. You should be respect for me!

CHIRONBOY: Yeah, technically you're right, babe. I used to work for a place that thought like you. Then they discovered that they could outsource my job (and others) for cheap. They get (almost) the same kind of service for much less. And they don't have go through a lot of crap with stuff like benefits and dental plans and job security.

ELENA: This is terrible! This is thing that... what is English word?... demeans everyone involved.

CHIRONBOY: That's globalization for you, sweet cheeks. It's everywhere, and there's no stopping it. I've got the bucks... and you've got the ass, at a fraction of the price I'd pay for someone here. Plus, you have lower standards. It's a win-win, babe! So get your sweet Russky can over here. You need to learn how to mix a margarita for me.

ELENA: (after a long pause) I love you Chironboy. We make babies soon, da?

CHIRONBOY: That's the spirit, babe. Here's what we're going to name them...