Tuesday, September 18, 2007

God Appears At The Values Voters Debate, Looks For Romney, Then Leaves

"With 'invisible' candidates who failed to show up getting grilled with questions, hundreds of empty seats, not a single mainstream television network on hand, and the name of God invoked countless times, the 'unseen world' clearly dominated last night's Republican presidential debate in South Florida."

That wasn't my review, that was World Net Daily, whose High Priest, Joseph Farah, hosted last nights garage sale of piety and platitudes. Here are the highlights:

-Tom Tancredo solidly pledged his devotion to God The Father and Jesus Christ, up to (but not including) Leviticus 19:34... "But the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you, and thou shalt love him as thyself; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt." In other words: Jesus loves Mexicans a lot better when they stay in Mexico, where God put them in the first place.

Another nugget from Tancredo: "Bill Clinton redefined morality to the level of an alley cat." Funny: I don't recall Bubba ever yowling for dick in the men's room like an unfixed gay tomcat.

-Ron Paul got all Libertarian with it. On gay marriage: "I think we have fallen into a trap that we have to redefine marriage" and "put it at the state level like the Constitution says." Bad move, Ron. If God was a Libertarian, there'd only be three commandments, and one of them would restrict taxation.

-Alan Keyes (when did HE show up?) on abortion: "I would issue an executive order immediately granting the full protection of the presidency and every element of the executive branch to the life in the womb." That's right, ladies: under a Keyes Presidency, you need never fear your fetus being forced to reveal what it really knew about Iraq before the invasion.

-Sam Brownback: "Roe [v. Wade] is not in the Constitution. There is not in the Constitution a fundamental right to an abortion." I'm going to try this argument in front of a judge next time I get busted with an underage hooker and a bag of pot in Alabama. Screw the law... this is The Constitution! Who needs laws when you've got one of those?

-Duncan Hunter: "If a judicial candidate can look at a sonogram of an unborn child and not see a valuable human life, I will not appoint that judicial candidate to the federal bench. It's as simple as that." He also won't hire a Secretary Of State who can look at an inkblot and not see a mushroom cloud over Tehran.

-John Cox: "Are we gonna focus on substance, or are we gonna focus on celebrities?" Which raises an important question: who the hell is John Cox?

The audience was hard on no-shows Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, John McCain, and Mitt Romney, which is weird given how much stock they put in mysterious, unseen forces during the rest of the debate.

A second such debate was planned for next week involving the Democratic Presidential candidates, but none said they'll attend. They're all too busy aborting middle-class white babies or worshipping the false idol of Universal Health Care or something.

So where was Mitt Romney? Probably off planting a bomb under a mosque somewhere. Mitt didn't get to where he is today by not understanding what his target market really wants.

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