Tuesday, September 4, 2007

My Secret Plan To Defeat The Chinese

(SCENE: The War Room. GENERAL CHIRONBOY paces back and forth in front of a graphic projection in multi-colored vector graphics of the US and China. Angry red arrows flow from China to various points on the US map, where they terminate in little Wal-Mart smiley faces surmounting crossbones. GEN. CHIRONBOY addresses a large circular table with about forty attendees)

GEN. CHIRONBOY: Gentlemen... that includes you, Condi... enemy forces are scoring tremendous victories with Operation Overfeed The Running Dog Of Capitalism Until It Chokes On Its Own Vomit. The continued flood of crappy, dangerous cheap stuff has packed every major population centre in North America, and most of the small ones too.

Well, now it turns out that the Chinese have, in all likelihood, compromised the security of numerous US government networks. It says here (gesturing to LCD screen rising silently out of the desk top) “The PLA [People's Liberation Army] has demonstrated the ability to conduct attacks that disable our system... and the ability in a conflict situation to re-enter and disrupt on a very large scale,” said a former official, who added that the PLA has also penetrated the networks of US defence companies and think-tanks. One senior US official said there was “no doubt” that China was now monitoring email traffic on unclassified government networks.

Gentlemen, today we strike back. The Chinese tried to leverage our material wealth against us, and that's exactly the weapon we're going to use against them. We're going to beat them with that, and one of the greatest technological developments of the last century: spam.

(With a flourish, GEN. CHIRONBOY unveils a standard desktop PC)

Meet Project Enduring Discount!

CONDOLEEZA RICE: That's ridiculous!

GEN. CHIRONBOY: Hey, according to popular semi-conservative news source Breitbart.com you're pretty much a total wash as a Secretary Of State. This plan's going to cost about a billionth of what any of your ideas have, and this one will actually work. "Project Enduring Discount" will flood all government interpersonal e-mail addresses with spam designed to undermine Chinese society, the same way their poisonous toys and exploding pyjamas have undermined our economy. Soon the Chinese monitoring semi-secret government e-mail addresses will be exposed to millions of authentic-looking spam e-mails like this:


Thanks for the invitation to golf. Unfortunately, my personal staff of cheap Mexican labourers have been crying out for attention lately, so I will be spending the weekend on Viagra (I'm driving to the drug store in my new SUV!) dealing with them individually... the most attractive ones first. After that, if I'm not completely worn out, I will be rolling naked on the floor of my 5000 square foot home surrounded by a truckload of new consumer products. After that, I will be enjoying one of 700 television stations.

Thanks for the invitation, though. Maybe next weekend we can get together and eat hundreds of cheeseburgers. The high-protein diet helps keep my penis large.



Six months of that and the Commies will be falling all over themselves for some discount democracy of their own!

PRIVATE PARTZ: (Clearing throat) Um, excuse me sir... but US government e-mails are already being flooded by spam.

Specifically, Chinese spam.

GEN. CHIRONBOY: Oh. (Pauses to think) I guess we're screwed, then.

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