Thursday, August 9, 2007

Mitt Romney: And I'll Get Your Little Dog Too

Now that we've established that Mitt Romney doesn't know global warming half as well as the average Brooklynite does of late, let's take a closer look at Mitt's other beliefs:

-Strongly pro-choice. Mitt boldly (for a Republican) proclaimed in 2002 that "I respect and will protect a woman's right to choose. This choice is a deeply personal one. Women should be free to choose based on their own beliefs, not mine and not the government's." Also, it turns out that Mitt's mom, Lenore, the Senate in the 1970's with a strongly pro-choice agenda. Her son-in-law's sister died as a teenager from a botched illegal abortion.

-Strongly anti-choice. When the Republican candidates were recently asked what their biggest mistake was, Mitt replied: "Probably from a political standpoint and a personal standpoint, the greatest mistake was when I first ran for office, being deeply opposed to abortion but saying, 'I support the current law,' which was pro-choice and effectively a pro-choice position. That was just wrong."

Strangely, Romney appears to be in favour of stem cell research, but he's been hedging of late. His support for it may have something to do with his wife having multiple sclerosis. Or that may be the reason for his hedging. Maybe he's just too polite to divorce his wife when she's terminal, like Newt Gingrich did. Now that's leadership!

-Strongly pro-war. "Double Guantanamo!" Honestly, "double Guantanamo" could be a winning campaign slogan. Also considered but rejected: "More Halliburton for your buck!" and "Illegal Combatants: Auschwitz-O-Licious!"

-Strongly anti-war: Well, at least when it comes to his five sons, all of whom are too busy keeping the world safe for democracy by campaigning for Dad. Just for the record, it was Mormon missionary work (in France!) that kept Mitt out of Vietnam. Which is a shame: he might have had a chance to discuss foreign policy at length with John McCain, had they ended up sharing a cage.

-Strongly anti-prissy: criticized John Edward's momentarily-famous $400 haircut. "You know I think John Edwards was right. There are two Americas. There is the America where people pay $400 for a haircut and then there is everybody else."

-Strongly pro-prissy: Paid $300 for "communications consulting" (or so it was reported in his elections expenditures) to a company called Hidden Beauty... for makeup. Yes, really.

-Strongly pro-animal cruelty: Tied his dog to the roof of his car for a twelve-hour road trip. Yes, really.

-Strongly anti-animal cruelty: He believes in keeping his pets happy. The dog “...scrambled up there every time we went on trips, got in all by himself and enjoyed it.” Yes, really.

It's strange how people think Mitt might not be electable because he's Mormon... yet not a word when it comes to his being a Cardinal in The Church Of Douchebag.


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