Friday, August 24, 2007

America Wins The War On Terror, And Jenna Bush Is Not Pregnant

It's (not) finally official.... Jenna Bush is (not) a few months pregnant and is getting hitched to longtime (but not-serious) boyfriend Henry Hager. Jenna and Hager, who in 2005 Mama Bush said wasn't Jenna's "serious boyfriend" are officially engaged to be married.

However, there's no official word yet on Project Bushbaby -- Jenna's apparent pregnancy. This is despite the growing photographic evidence of Jenna's recent weight gain, which is mysteriously concentrated in the abdominal region, and keeps expanding... just like wiretaps under Homeland Security. And, like those wiretaps, we are being gently discouraged from asking too many questions.

The Family Values Party has all the reason in the world to keep this quiet, and has lots of experience when it comes to denying the obvious. I think it's a damned shame, since for all the scandal and cover-ups and lies and political fuck ups and pure vileness the last seven years have brought out of Washington, it would be nice if at least one such incident had a human quality to it. Cheneyville puts on a hell of a war, but isn't so great at the "human" thing.

Since no one in this picture wants to 'fess up, and since The House Of White has done such a crap job with covering things up, I thought I might be neighborly in this time of familial need and offer up some cover stories.

(You can thank me later with an invitation to the wedding, George. I can see you there now, beaming with pride from behind your "World's Most Dangerously Incompetent Grandpa" coffee mug.)

-It's not a pregnancy; it's just an abdominal infection from a pair of Chinese-made Wal-Mart panties.

-Good news everyone! We found Bin Laden, and you won't believe where...

-This is not a pregnancy. It's another example of the bloated bureaucracy left behind by the Clinton administration.

-It's just a Halliburton-sized beer belly.

-It's not a baby. Whatever it is though, you'll have to ask Cheney. Wanna make an appointment for an interview? He loves answering questions!

-That's where Mitt Romney's dog is hiding.

-Relax and concentrate only on the sound of my voice. Jenna Bush is not pregnant. Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. Saudi Arabia is our friend. Iran is our enemy.


Since no one wants to step up to the plate on this one, I've decided to formally announce that Jenna is in fact pregnant, and I am the father. We all know the Bush Administration will screw anyone they can and deny it. So why not me?

C'mon, think about it, Jenna... you and your Daddy may both be "damaged goods" but I'll take good care of you, despite the Bush family's disdain for Inconvenient Truths.

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