I Married A Mercenary: Welcome To Richkiss.com!

There are so many obstacles on the path to finding One's True Love. You might think you aren't attractive enough, or have too much emotional baggage, or are hanging out in the wrong bars.

Of course, there is also the tragedy of being unable to attract a mate because you've got too much money.

Go ahead: step away from the computer, have another coffee, make sure you're really awake, and then re-read that last statement. Apparently rich folks have a harder time finding True Love than say, a typical blogger. This discovery comes courtesy of the Love Experts at a site called Richkiss.com.

Here is a statement from Richkiss.com to boggle your mind a little more:

"Because the rich people have such a hard time finding dates, there's Richkiss.com. Actually, you don't have to be a certified millionaire to join, anyone who earns $150,000 and above annually qualifies for Richkiss.com. This dating site guarantees complete anonymity so you can be sure that your potential mate likes you for your personality and not your status in life."

It's time this repressed minority... the very wealthy... had someone stand up for them. Dating for rich folks, with rich folks. Although when I see a site like this, I can't help but wonder: how closely do they check out your bank balance if you want to join? Think there's any potential for fraud here? Nah. Rich people are, by definition, much smarter than you and I... and are thus immune to being duped if they're lonely.

Besides, we all know what a difficult time the wealthy and powerful have finding the kind of love they really want and need... regardless of how, um, wide a stance one takes on these matters.

.

.

December 21st, 2012: The Day The World WON'T End

(I've taken the unusual step of posting this article both here and on my other blog because I believe this is a developing scam that is going to bilk a lot of people in the coming years, and that sort of thing really annoys me.)

According to many, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. This is when the Mayan calendar comes to an end. Personally, I always thought the Mayan Calendar came to an end at that point because the Mayans weren't planning on going to anyone's birthday party or attending any business meetings hundreds of years after the collapse of their society, but I could be wrong. And many New Age-y types have decided that this is when civilization is going to collapse, because that's when Nibiru comes back.

"Nibiru comes back?" The miniskirt making a comeback, sure. But what the hell is "Nibiru"?

According to Zecharia Sitchin, who claims to be an expert in Ancient Sumerian studies (but got his degree in Economic History), Nibiru is a giant planet, the size of Jupiter or larger, on an eccentric orbit that brings it into the inner Solar System about once every 3600 years or so. His decoding of ancient Sumerian and Mayan texts apparently confirm this. The story is that Nibiru will be returning soon... making its closest approach to Earth on December 21, 2012.

Those ancient Sumerians and Mayans... they couldn't hold their empires together, but apparently they were waaaay better astronomers than we are.

I'm not fluent in Mayan or Sumerian, so I have no place Sitchin's archaeology. But others have, and there is a fairly exhaustive rundown of Sitchin's errors here. But astronomy and astrophysics? Those are subjects I do know. And I can tell you with great confidence that THERE ARE NO GIANT RAMPAGING PLANETS OUT THERE COMING TO EAT YOU. Honest.

Consider this: everything with mass in the universe has a gravitational field. The greater the mass, the stronger the field. That's why apples fall to Earth, and why the Earth doesn't fall towards apples. The Earth orbits the Sun. If the Earth were travelling faster, it would achieve "escape velocity": the speed needed to fly away from the Sun and off into the Cosmos. If the earth were to slow down, it would fall into the Sun. Every planet in the solar system has a gravitational effect on every other planet, though (relative to the huge mass of the Sun) the pull that, say, Neptune has on Venus is pretty weak.

Put another way: when you were born, the mass of the obstetrician had slightly more influence on you than the planet Mars did... but slightly less than that of Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system.

If two bodies of sufficient mass pass close enough to each other, they will have an effect on each others orbits around the Sun. Many asteroids have had their orbits affected by the occasional(relatively) close brush with Jupiter: picking up speed and moving out into more distant, less circular orbits around the Sun as a result.

Even though Niburu has such a long orbit, given the age of the Solar System (about 4.5 billion years), it would have passed by Earth (and all the other planets) about one and a quarter million times in the life of the Solar System. And yet despite all these close brushes with a giant planet, Mercury through Neptune remain in relatively stable, circular orbits. The odds of that being the case with a Niburu whipping through the neighborhood that many times is comparable to the odds of making your first break in a game of pool by throwing a bowling ball onto the table... and having all the pool balls drift elegantly back into their original triangular configuration. Try it sometime... with someone else's pool table, ideally.

Furthermore... you'd think that with something that big in our own Solar System, there would be some kind of observational clues... after all, we found Pluto, and it's a tiny, insignificant little thing compared to Uranus and Neptune. Uranus, in turn, is much smaller than Nibiru allegedly is; and Uranus was discovered in the 1700s. As far as observational data for Nibiru: there was a misidentified sighting of a distant galaxy by the IRAS satellite in 1984 that has gotten a lot of coverage as being "Nibiru," and the occasional misidentified sun dog.

The primary reason all of this bothers me... other than it being a sign of how damned bad public education really is these days... is that there seem to be a lot of people out there exploiting the fear of Nibiru Doom for profit.

Like these people. Or these people. Or this guy. But most of all: THIS guy.

And regardless of which religious tradition one follows, or which ancient texts on bases one's beliefs on... most faiths agree that hoodwinking the gullible for profit is a bad thing. And I agree.

So: no need to panic. The only threat to the world in 2012... or now... is human nature itself.

Okay, in light of that... maybe you can panic a little.

.


.

Astrologyzone.com Didn't See This Coming

Dear Blogger.com:

I love you guys. Really, I do. A lot of us do. But you've recently handed me (and it appears, hundreds of other bloggers) a real pain in the ass in the form of evil, rampaging robots. More specifically, you've apparently unleashed a horde of hungry 'bots designed to weed out the many "splogs" (spam blogs... if you've ever done a Google search for a given term and found a blog that consisted of hundreds of variations on phrases like "Lindsay Lohan Nude Lesbian Astrology Zone Viagra!" then you've seen one).

(I hope I just didn't turn my blog into a splog by talking about splogs, if you're out there reading this now, Blogger.com people...)

But guys, please, I pour out what little is left of my heart and brain into my two blogs, and thanks a lot for unlocking this one... but can I please, please have my other blog that I've poured my soul into back?

Please?

This all goes to prove an important point I made a while ago... ROBOTS SHOULD NOT SMOKE MARIJUANA. It makes them do crazy, irresponsible things.

And hey... ever had a look at my other blog? You really should before I move it away from here...

Your Search Engine Sucks: Cuil, Day One

To much fanfare, a new search engine claiming to have more links than Google, to work better than Google, and to have hired former Google engineers opened its virtual doors today to await an incoming huge rush of love, money and popularity. Cuil (pronounced "cool," as in "Isn't it cool how much money there is to be made on the Internet for just the cost of a press release and a promise to give Google a run for its money?") is available here, if you have large amounts of time to waste and/or are a big fan of frustration. If you don't, rest assured that The Church Of Mothra has already gone to the trouble of testing it for you... thank us with your generous donations.

Let's see how Cuil measures up against Google...

Number of entries found for search: "Church Of Mothra"

Google: 83,800
Cuil: 111

Direct Link To "The Church Of Mothra" Blog:

Google: First Item
Cuil: NONE

***

Number of entries found for search: "onion sombrero" (exact phrase)

Google: 1150
Cuil: 1052 (most of which do NOT contain the exact phrase as specified)

Location of Church Of Mothra article on "onion sombrero"

Google: Page One
Cuil: NOWHERE

***

Number of entries found for search: "Cuil sucks" (exact phrase)

Google: 1260
Cuil: 1 (and it isn't about Cuil at all)

***

Amount of investor money reported poured into development of Cuil: over $30 million dollars.
Number of Cuil investors actually happy about it today: NONE.

The "Bill O'Reilly Quote Of The Day" Translator

Hmmm. People should read up on Plato before they vote? People should know they have a world-view? They should know what it is? They should understand how preconceptions influence perceptions? The USA (itself not a living being with a central nervous system) nonetheless has a world view? America sometimes gets it wrong? Jihadists, in seeking an ordered world based on their perceptions, nonetheless want LESS order?

Oh, right. Barack Obama is the enemy of America. Um, I guess it really is "that simple," Bill.

Bill O'Reilly is always at his most straightforward and easy to understand when he speaks on matters that are truly near and dear to him. Like this...

Do It Yourself Paranoia: Why Is The Jolly Rancher So Damned Jolly, Really?

It's easy to be paranoid. Most people are, to one degree or another. The Church Of Mothra... like all good belief systems... is here to relieve you of your unfocused, ill-defined suspicions and replace them with very specific ones. Today's installment: what horrors lurk within Jolly Rancher candies?

I've been disturbed by this for a while. Not only do Jolly Ranchers have an uncanny ability to spot-weld themselves to my fillings, they also disturb my mind. Consider:

1) They are fruit flavoured... not meat flavoured. Fruit is grown in an orchard. Meat animals are raised on a ranch. The kind of place run by a rancher.

2) Why would someone... namely, a rancher... be so jolly if he's apparently in the wrong line of work?

3) Why do I need pliers to get one of these things off my fillings?

The truth... as is so often the case... could be far more horrifying than you might think.

The ingredients of a Jolly Rancher are, in order: Corn Syrup, Sugar, Butter, Citric or Malic Acid, Salt, Glycerin, Natural and Artificial Flavors, Modified Concentrated Butter Flavor, Lecithin, Artificial Colors (FDC Yellow #5, FDC Yellow #6).

Hmm. Glycerin. Better known among your chemist buddies as "glycerol." It's a thick gooey clear fluid with a lot of uses, like soap, nitroglycerin, toothpaste, and (in suppository form) makes a nice laxative. It can be made from plants. Often as not though... it's made from animals. And according to a respected source of science information, The Hare Krishnas, the source of the glycerol in Jolly Ranchers is... pork.

Never mind the millions of Jews and Muslims and vegetarians who have unwittingly enjoyed pork because of this. Pigs aren't raised on a ranch, either. That's for cows. Pigs are raised on a farm.

So... why is this Rancher so Jolly? Could it be because he's found a way to profitably dispose of those who would actively voice dissent against The System?

Maybe he's laughing at you, because you're next.

For further details, please refer to the 1980 classic horror film "Motel Hell," featuring the tag line '"IT TAKES ALL KINDS OF CRITTERS TO MAKE FARMER VINCENT'S FRITTERS."

You've been warned.

Ashley "Kristen" Dupre: Diary Of A Monster

January 1st: Happy New Year, diary! 2008 is going to be fantastic, I just know it. I'm so happy, I started singing in the shower, and thought about how uber-cool it would be to be an R & B singer. Or maybe a model. Someone famous enough that someone will talk about me and offer me money just for being ME. Note to self: find a way to get into the recording industry without having to blackmail someone. After all, I'm not a monster.

January 8th: Client 12 is a music producer. He says that it's really hard to break into the music industry because it takes, like, lots and lots of talent. "What about Nelly Furtado?" I asked, which was a huge mistake because for the rest of the night he insisted I wear a strap-on and refer to myself as "Timbaland." I charged him extra... hope he doesn't think I'm some kind of monster.

January 27th: Client 3. He's some kind of publisher guy. I asked him about getting a break and appearing in Playboy or Penthouse. He didn't seem interested in helping me. All he could do is bitch about how his nun's outfit got all wrinkled and stuff in his suitcase on the flight from LA. He was so annoying about it, I had to charge him extra. Now he probably thinks I'm a monster or something.

February 2nd: Client 8 is a publicist. I asked him what that meant, and he said it meant that he makes people famous, and makes famous people more famous. The crap some guys will tell ya just to be impressive! Jeez. Client 8 went on and on about his work, until he finally passed out from the Scotch and Oxycontins. He usually tips pretty well, so I went ahead and grabbed a little extra out of his wallet while he was sleeping. I left most of it there though. I'm not a monster!

February 13th: Client 9. Pays well, but always starts out with the same joke. "Hi, I'm Spitzer. And for the money this is costing me, you'd better Swallow'er." Ha ha. Then he insists I tell him how big his wang is. "It's a monster! it's a monster!" I yelled. He loves that.

March 3rd: I hate work. $1100 an hour sounds like good money, but I want more. I want to be BIG. I pray every night that Jesus will send me a way to make it big without having to work so hard. Not even a monster deserves to slave away like I have to. Note to self: KY Jelly is on sale at Wal-Mart.

March 11th: The phone won't stop ringing! It turns out that Client 9 is, like, the governor of New York State or something like that. It's all over the news, and I can't keep up with my new Friend Requests on Facebook, which sucks. But now I have an agent, and it looks like a movie deal, an album, and a nude photoshoot are in the works! Life is great, and I got it all just from going to work and doing my job.

I just don't want to be thought of as a monster...

.

More Fun And Useful Vagina Facts That The March 2008 Cosmo Didn't Cover

Singer Rihanna on the cover of the new Cosmo, in a daring yellow outfit that highlights her bright pink va-jay-jay.

-"Vagina" rhymes with the capital of the province of Saskatchewan. Unless you have one, and a love-starved combine operator has you cornered in a bar in Moose Jaw... in which case, your vagina is the capital of Saskatchewan.

-Although often referred to as "dirty," the average vagina is actually cleaner (in terms of both dirt and bacteria) than the hands or mouth. This raises certain questions about the advisability of shaking hands, and the logical alternatives.

-Shortages on the front lines in World War Two led German scientists in the 1940s to attempt to create an artificial vagina. Although never a complete success, "Projeckt: Mittromney" went on to win Michigan and a few other States in the 2008 Republican Primaries before conceding.

.