Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Bill O'Reilly The Impaler Vs. Fictional European History

On today's, Bill shows off his historical knowledge (which is a momentary break from his utter mangling of current events) by comparing Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to Vlad Tepeş, AKA Vlad The Impaler, AKA Dracula.

Bram Stoker based the character of Dracula on the historical Vlad, who was notorious for his cruelty. Some examples:

-Vlad The Impaler got his nickname from his habit of impaling his enemies... men, women, children... basically anyone who pissed him off. Among other atrocities, Vlad was noted for "The Forest Of The Impaled," which consisted of thousands of impaled Turkish soldiers lining the roadways. This was done to scare off the Ottoman Empire. You know... Muslims. He was also once greeted by three Turkish diplomats, who refused to remove their fezzes at Vlad's court (not doing so being a cultural sign of respect for Muslims at the time). So The Impaler had their fezzes nailed onto their heads and sent the Turks home.

-Vlad also allegedly invited hundreds of the poor and indigent to a great feast. Vlad nailed the doors of the hall shut once it was full and burned the place down. Furthermore, in his capital city, Târgovişte, there was a fountain with a solid gold cup that anyone could drink from... and supposedly never got stolen, because Vlad was so tough on crime.

Dracula, was merely defending his land and way of life from Moslems and freeloaders. Vladimir Putin, on the other hand, is a very wealthy man in a position of power, who has a fondness for using force and having his enemies killed, often by sneaky and unusual assassination techniques.

Get your metaphors right, Bill. Vladimir Putin isn't "Vlad The Impaler"... he's a James Bond villain.

Based on foreign and domestic policy, Vlad The Impaler was obviously a neocon.

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