I Attempt To Whore Myself To The Machine

I always dreamed this day would come.

I'm an old-fashioned guy at heart. In a world where people are always giving themselves away for trivial or temporary reasons, I've always wanted to hold out for The One. And I have finally found My Heart's Desire.

My buddy Faith and I were loafing around the other day watching TV... some mundane reality show or another, as I recall... and I saw the most amazing commercial for Benefibre. The commercial itself wasn't the most ground-breaking thing in terms of the script, or the actor, or the effects or anything. It presented itself very naturally, comfortable with its own appeal.

Naturally, I was intrigued.

Benefibre is a soluble dietary fibre supplement extracted from chicory root. It is completely flavourless, dissolves completely in water, won't thicken, and is essentially a stealth dietary fibre additive to any food or drink.

I've been impressed with a lot of things in my time... microwave ovens, genetically modified organisms, lasers, water-skiing squirrels... but this left me silent. Stunned. Like Keanu Reeves memorizing his lines, stunned.

Let's say your boss is a jerk. Every day you phone in the lunch order, and every day he orders the won ton soup. Hell, screw that: you could dose his coffee all day long and he'd never notice.

Imagine the hell you could raise that way.

It was love at first sight.

So: being a true romantic, I am ready to make my formal declaration of love and intent, right here before your very eyes. So many out there give themselves away through cynicism or fear.

I've found something I can really, truly believe in.

It is my intention to make Benefibre... sorry, Benefibre... the Offical Corporate Sponsor of "The Further Adventures Of Chironboy." In future entries you will see my attempts to woo and win this most beautiful and gifted child of Novartis... formerly Ciba-Geigy and Sandoz... as my One True Sponsor!

Isn't it romantic!

Oh, by the way Novartis, best of luck with that leukemia-drug lawsuit in India. Let the lazy bastards pay full price! Fuck 'em. You're the good guys.