Sunday, May 20, 2007

Veterinery Gynaecology And TELUS: A Comparison

This is a duck uterus.

You may recall from high school Biology class or the Discovery Channel or that last Pussycat Dolls video that the human uterus is a smooth, regular shape... kind of like a pear. A duck's uterus, on the other hand, is a twisty labyrinth of dead ends, false leads, and fool's errands for sperm.

Here's a quote from "Coevolution of Male and Female Genital Morphology in Waterfowl"... don't worry, I'll provide a translation afterwards:

"Most birds have simple genitalia; males lack external genitalia and females have simple vaginas. However, male waterfowl have a phallus whose length (1.5–>40 cm) and morphological elaborations vary among species and are positively correlated with the frequency of forced extra-pair copulations among waterfowl species. Here we report morphological complexity in female genital morphology in waterfowl and describe variation vaginal morphology that is unprecedented in birds. This variation comprises two anatomical novelties: (i) dead end sacs, and (ii) clockwise coils. These vaginal structures appear to function to exclude the intromission of the counter-clockwise spiralling male phallus without female cooperation."

In other words, there is a long-standing sexual-evolutionary civil war amongst ducks. Male ducks have developed a distinct taste for forced copulation. Females ducks have become more internally convoluted to help prevent reproduction with rapist ducks. The more rape-prone the species of duck, the more complex the uterus... and the longer and twistier the penis has become in response.

As you may recall from here it took me a long, long time to get my tax forms out of Telus. One thing they still haven't straightened out is the three years or so worth of employee discount that should have been applied to my phone and Internet. And please keep in mind that, as someone who used to work there, I have a better-than-average idea of how the system works there. Nonetheless... no results.

Based on the above information about duck uteruses, I confidently predict that within a few hundred thousand years the average Telus customer's wallet will be twelve feet long and shaped like a nest of garter snakes.

And now you know why every month when I look at my phone bill, I shout "fuck a duck!"

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