Monday, June 4, 2007

The Word Of The Day: "Pro-Ana"

(Click here for the full story on my ongoing attempt to land Benefibre©... a product from the fine people at Novartis... as a corporate sponsor for my blog.)

The new edition of Collin's Dictionary will be including two new words: "sub-zero" (specifically referring to undersized clothing for adults, usually women) and "pro-ana."

"Pro-ana" is a contraction of "pro" (as in "in favour of") and "ana," which comes from "anorexic," meaning "deliberately starving yourself." Pro-ana refers to those who consider anorexia and related eating disorders to be a legitimate lifestyle choice.

It's hard to go broke marketing to teenage trends. NOW it makes sense why Benefibre comes in that oh-so-sexy curvy bottle. I get it NOW! You hot, sexy, marketing geniuses with your hot, sexy degrees in psychology and your hot, sexy sociopathic lack of a conscience... you're marketing to anorexics, aren't you?

Here's a hot, sexy recipe for hot, sexy cabbage soup that'll help even the most determined of the "Lindsay Lohan is a blimp" crowd:

Benefibre© Blowout Soup!

1 can beef broth or french onion soup (substitute water if you're feeling really chubby)
3/4 medium head cabbage, chopped (few calories, lots of fibre. Safe)
2 white onions, chopped (Okay, I know what you're thinking, fatty. Make that 1 onion)
1 green pepper, chopped (Half a pepper if you ate a cracker yesterday)
1/2 cup chopped celery (Takes more calories to digest than you get out of it. Better make that a full cup)
4 cups water (Filtered of course. Minerals are heavy)
l large can (28 ounces) chopped tomatoes. (It'll make it look like there's something in it besides water, so it's worth the calories if Mom is watching)
1 clove garlic, chopped (Don't worry about your breath. No one wants to kiss you at your weight, anyway)
2 dashes hot sauce, optional (It'll help you not notice the lack of anything else in the soup)
2 tablespoons brown sugar, firmly packed (Ha, ha. Just kidding)
2 cups Benefibre© (Cleans everything out!)


In large kettle, combine beef broth, chopped cabbage, chopped onions, peppers, celery and water. Bring mixture to boil over medium-high heat; turn down to low. Add garlic and hot sauce; continue cooking until ingredients are tender, about 1 1/2 hours (about the time it'll take you to read "Cosmo Girl" if you do the quizzes). Add chopped tomatoes and juice. Add more water if needed. Stir in Benefibre and enjoy!

Feeds one fourteen-year-old anorexic for about a week.


If a diet of that doesn't settle you huge, porky, unfashionable girls down, you'll be pleased to know that Novartis... God bless them... has this for you! Imagine yourself skinny and popular, loved by all, AND with a (relatively) minimal risk of heart problems, aggression, mania, heart failure, and sudden unexpected death.

Take THAT, you fat bitch Nicole Ritchie!

This is what I love most about a open, free-market economy. People can have whatever they want, and someone is there to sell it to them. Hell, there's even someone there to sell you the stuff that you'd normally think is dangerous and/or stupid... like anorexia.

God bless you, Novartis, and everyone like you!

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