Bill O'Reilly: Come And Get One In The Yarbles, If You Have Any Yarbles!

Insulated as I am from the world... covered in a thick blanket of socialized medicine and pot-smoking gay people married to each other... I've found it easier to ignore the angry noises made by Bill O'Reilly than it is for my dear friends to the south of here. But of late I've noticed that O'Reilly isn't merely a political commentator, he's also a film critic, having typically fair and balanced opinions on, among other things, films he hasn't actually seen yet.

Bill has also issued a challenge to his critics, saying that, if he could, he'd "strangle these people and not go to hell and get executed ... I would -- but I can't." Among other things, Bill is tired of Big Media implying he's a racist. After all, we all know that black people don't listen to his radio show anyway. That's what he says. Big Media "ran up to Harlem and they fed black Americans bogus [Bill O'Reilly] quotes" because "Now, the black Americans up there, they didn't listen to The Radio Factor."

Way to not generalize about black folks, Bill.

I honestly don't know if Bill O'Reilly is racist... at least I can't prove my suspicions. But I do know movies, and I know movie reviews, and there's a field of endeavor where I can back up my assertion that Bill O'Reilly is a loudmouthed, empty-headed idiot. And since Bill has physically threatened Big Media (lock your door tonight, Big! Make sure Mrs. Media and the kids don't let any strangers in), I thought I'd be polite and offer up a piece of Little Media as a practice run. Namely, me.

Bill: you are an idiot who apparently wouldn't know a decent movie if you saw one.

But of course, you don't even know how to read a review. Here's the August 23rd critique of Ricard Roeper's article about "High School Musical 2":

"In said column, Mr. Roeper says that he doesn't believe critics would hammer High School Musical simply because it is wholesome. Roeper goes on to say that conservatives might distance themselves from the movie because it embraces 'liberal' (his word) values like tolerance and interracial dating.

That's right, Richard, all those mean conservatives would never like anything tolerant, would they?"

Now, here's what Roeper actually said:

"'When will Hollywood learn that films without sex and obscene language frequently sell like hot cakes?' asks the Culture and Media Institute.

You mean films 'The Lion King' and 'The Little Mermaid' are profitable? Who knew? Hollywood already realizes there's a market for family films -- just as there's a market for hard-R films such as '300' and 'Superbad.' Family-friendly movies such as 'Finding Nemo' and 'Ratatouille' make hundreds of millions for the studios -- and TV shows such as the super-corny 'American Idol' and the Disney Channel's 'Hannah Montana' are hugely profitable as well.

One more thing for the conservative movement to consider before they get too attached to the "High School Musical" franchise: It could be argued that the primary messages contained in both "High School Musical" movies are quite liberal.

As one parent and certified Disney-phile told me Monday, 'As wholesome and family-friendly as these films are, both 'High School Musical' films promote tolerance, interracial dating and rejection of elitism -- all "liberal" themes that drive those religious right-wingers nuts.'

Let the backlash begin!"

That wasn't conservative-baiting, Bill. But it was thoughtful of you to twist something that backed the notion that Hollywood knows it can make money off of kids into what you wanted it to say. Too bad you didn't finish the job and point out the blatant themes of family violence in "The Lion King" and the interspecies lust of "The Little Mermaid."

Frankly, I'm surprised Bill hasn't rushed forward yet to defend one of the greatest movies ever made about traditional conservative values... namely, the conflict between individual rights and the good of a larger society. Maybe one of his PR monkeys will read my blog and invite Bill to write a review.

Here's a clip. Come and get it, Bill, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil!

Captain James T. Kirk: Poutier And More Styled For The 21st Century

I've been following what few bits of information have leaked out about the J.J. Abrams (Lost) upcoming Star Trek movie, and it appears his choice for the role of Kirk may be Mike Vogel, who starred in "Poseidon" and "The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants" and a few other things that, I confess, I haven't seen.

As a long time, old-school Star Trek fan, I don't think I have an inherent bias against any attempted re-booting of the Star Trek franchise. Worst case scenario: if it's that bad, I'll ignore it.

The one question that still resonates with me, though, is this: if you're going to spend, say, 50 million dollars on a brand-spanking new Star Trek movie, with all the inherent financial risk that implies for a film studio, why not shell out a few more bucks to complete a CGI version of The Secret Of Vulcan's Fury, an almost-complete near-feature film with performances by the entire original cast... including the deceased ones?

Regardless of how well or poorly the new version does, old-school nerds like me would kill for something like that.

Anyone out there with Paramount listening...?

Rush Limbaugh Pulls His Patriotism Out Of His Ass

It may be time to invent a new word: neocrit.

Neocrit (noun): a neocon hypocrite, particularly one who makes a living selling it to the rubes.

Examples: Bathroom sex enthusiast Larry Craig (who awaits a court ruling on whether or not it's possible to write laws but not understand how even the basics of the law works) 9/11 "hero" and terror pimp Rudy Giuliani (who is now milking the corpse of the World Trade Center nine dollars and eleven cents at a time), and upholder of the law/accused child molester wannabe John David Roy Atchison, whose Myspace page describes him as an "experienced, understanding, Daddy.” Feel free to vomit: I know I do.

Today's neocrit example: Rush Limbaugh.

Rush, who of course is anti-gay (especially when it comes to Elliot Sanders, who claims to have had a gay fling with Rushy in 1971) has recently decided to show some of his special brand of tough love to those US troops in Iraq who, after having gathered first-hand evidence, have decided that the war is a bad idea.

Or, as Rush likes to call them... "the phony soldiers."

Real patriots, of course, fall into two categories: those who follow orders without question, and those like Rush who would love to have the opportunity to kill Godless foreigners, but just couldn't. In this case, Rush slipped past the draft because of, literally... a cyst on his ass. He tries to deny it, of course. But denying it doesn't make it less true.

Sure. Maybe a boil on his ass kept Rush from doing his patriotic duty.

And maybe it was completely innocent when he travelled to the Dominican Republic with four men and 29 Viagra tablets mislabelled as belonging to someone else, leaving his wife behind in the US of A. Beats me. I'm not a proper journalist like Rush Limbaugh: I just look up facts and verify them.

Hey Kids! It's Time To Play "Are You Smarter Than Ann Coulter?"!

For days now I've been sitting back, quietly praying that Ann Coulter would say something really stupid about Jena. So far no luck. But my favourite warbag couldn't keep her sharp, made-for-Leni-Riefenstahl angular snout out of the recent visit by President Ahmadinejad to Columbia University.

There are the usual rhetorical delights, such as opening with a suggestion that Ahmadinejad run for the Democratic leadership "the name 'Mahmoud Ahmadinejad' is surely no more frightening than 'B. Hussein Obama.'"

Oh snap, Ann.

And then Ann melts down.

"Only when Ahmadinejad failed to endorse sodomy did he receive the single incident of booing throughout his speech.

Responding to a question about Iran's execution of homosexuals, Ahmadinejad said there are no homosexuals in Iran: "In Iran we don't have homosexuals, like in your country. In Iran we do not have this phenomenon. I don't know who's told you that we have it."

First of all, no one asked him to "endorse sodomy." The booing occurs (and is accompanied by a lot of laughter, Ann) because President Ahmadinejad claims there's no gay people in Iran, just like there's no camels in Texas (except, of course, for disreputable foreign camels).

Whatever virus makes Ann Coulter the way she is seems to be migrating from her prefrontal cortex into her amygdala, and is now screwing with her ability to read the behaviours of others.

I have an idea: Take a moment to gather your children around the computer. Uncle Chironboy wants to boost their self-esteem by showing them that they're smarter than a famous grownup!

***

Okay kids: a famous lady just said something very silly about the video clip I'm about to show you. Watch it and listen to how the audience reacts to the man in front of the microphone. Then I'm going to ask you a question. We'll see who's smarter at reading people!

Now, kids: why is the audience reacting to what this man is saying the way they do?

a) Because they are infuriated Sodomites spurned by someone they thought would make all their dreams come true by endorsing their Democrat-driven lifestyle?

or

b) Because the man just said something very silly.

***

Good God A'mighty, Ann: Is your core audience all shut-ins with TVs locked on Fox News and no Internet? They must be: it takes a minute of listening and about ten neurons to figure out what a twist-top you are.

Now let's have some pearls of wisdom about those rampaging killer darkies in Jena, Ann honey. You know you want to.

Yahoo Answers: A Safe, Nonjudgemental Place For Republican Senators To Discuss Their Love Lives

(Click it. It gets bigger. Try it... you'll like it)

(If you're into astrology... more of my "Dumb Yahoo" answers HERE!)

Legal Eye For The Hypocrite Guy: Larry Craig Ventures Into The Men's Room Of Justice

It's true: Republican lawmaker and washroom sex enthusiast Larry Craig is waiting for a judge to give him a shot at undoing his guilty plea, thus proving he isn't gay or something.

I can hardly wait to see what The Puppet Press has to say about all this. We already know that Ann Coulter is eager to roll in this particular stink. But for the most part the Bush Fifth Column seems to be keeping away from this no-win scenario. The best I've found so far: Kristen Fyfe, whose defence of Larry Craig consists of pointing out that San Francisco's Folsom Street Fair is coming up, and liberals won't be making a big stink out of that.

Maybe if there was a big parade of gay people who had voted loudly and repeatedly to outlaw themselves we would, Kristen.

Seriously, though: have a look at townhall.com some time. You'll find such wonders as:

Michael Medved's near-defense of American Slavery. "WHILE AMERICA DESERVES NO UNIQUE BLAME FOR THE EXISTENCE OF SLAVERY, THE UNITED STATES MERITS SPECIAL CREDIT FOR ITS RAPID ABOLITION" (stop shouting, Mike!). Yeah, Medved: it only took a Civil War. Besides, there was lots of slavery before America... and we all know how America loves using the pre-1700s Muslim world as a role model.

Dennis Prager, who points out that since both liberals and conservatives are capable of lying, therefore liberals are lying weasels.

Mary Katharine Ham, who points out how foolish and out of touch with the world Columbia University was to invite Ahmadinejad... just like they didn't have their finger on the pulse of an important (but distasteful) issue like Hitler, whose ambassador they played host to in 1933. Way to not spot someone of significance, stupid Columbia University with your stupid classes and stupid books and stupid freedom of expression!

Finally, Michael Barone, who favours us with this toxic bonbon:

"Polls show that the public approves of Petraeus' performance and endorses his recommendations for going forward with the surge -- the first margin of approval for the administration's course of action in a long time."

Hey! I think I just figured out where Ted Byfield gets his sources from! It's the same alternate universe Michael Barone lives in!

You know... the one where Spock has a beard...

Roger Ebert and Bill O'Reilly Review "Redacted"

(All Bill O'Reilly comments are taken from his review of "Redacted"... which he hasn't actually seen yet)

ROGER: "Redacted" is the latest from master director Brian DePalma, lavishly filmed and--

BILL: DePalma wants the world to see this horror in living color.

ROGER: It's an exploration of American foreign policy, reduced to very intimate personal terms.

BILL: Speaking before journalists in Italy, DePalma said: "The movie is an attempt to bring to reality what's happening in Iraq to the American people ... the pictures are what will stop the war."

Here's how stupid that statement is: Overwhelmingly, American forces in Iraq have behaved with restraint and are trying to protect Iraqi civilians from terrorists who blow up women and children. That is the reality, pal. Your movie takes the exception and attempts to make it the rule.

ROGER: Yes, but every war has seen its share of atrocities. It's not the sort of thing anyone really plans... it just happens. That's war. It's one more reason to avoid war in the first place.

BILL: "Redacted" will play around the world and may well incite young Muslim men, already steeped in hatred toward America and the west, to act on their hatred.

ROGER: You don't think the invasion of Iraq was provocation enough to cause that? You honestly think someone is going to build a pipe bomb and use it because a Brian DePalma movie pissed them off? How many people do you figure were needless killed because of widespread disappointment with "Resident Evil: Extinction"?

BILL: The American military is doing important, noble work. Brian DePalma and the others who back him should be ashamed.

ROGER: So, my question is... if freedom makes us superior to them, why are you opposed to it?

BILL: My question is, why make a film like this? Most people will avoid it; who wants to see that kind of stuff? It definitely smears the military, and may even put our forces in physical danger. Why do this?

ROGER: It's called "freedom of expression." It's what makes our way of life superior to those of the fanatics, and surrendering that freedom is "collaborating with the enemy" as surely as handing them a gun.

BILL: It's freedom of expression, they say. Well, just because you have the right to do something, doesn't make it right.

Fair-minded Americans should realize that in any war, mistakes will be made; horrifying things like Abu Ghraib will happen. These things need to be dealt with, but not exploited for political gain.

ROGER: How is being anti-atrocity political? That implies that those who support the war must be pro-atrocity. I think people owe it to themselves to see this film.

BILL: They are hurting their own country.

ROGER: Okay, we'll just have to agree to disagree. I give it "thumbs up." Next, we review "Good Luck Chuck" with Jessica Alba, a romantic comedy in which --

BILL: -- a bunch of far-left Hollywood loons want to denigrate the country!

Halo 3: The Giuliani Level (SPOILERS!)

One of the biggest challenges players of Halo 3 face is a level mid-way through the game. The alien Covenant has invaded Earth, and replaced most of its leaders with terrorism-obsessed clones.

One vital mission the player must finish is infiltrating a Rudy Giuliani fundraiser, otherwise level boss Giuliani will gain access to the nuclear stockpile, thus ending the game.

Although Rudy comes equipped with a plasma cannon built into his chest, and wave after wave of henchmen, his greatest weapon is one players of previous Halos haven't encountered before: The Rhetoric Bomb.

Rudy is encountered at a Young Republicans fundraiser/Halo LAN party where funds are being raised $9.11 at a time.

Instead of individually picking off all the grunts and honor guards protecting Rudy, dodge left around the couch and make a run straight for the kitchen, where Rudy sits drinking a Heineken. Dodge the sycophants -- their energy swords are fully charged with rhetoric, which replenishes itself when in Rudy's vicinity. Fend off the Young Republicans with grenades. If you are playing on hard or legendary level, you will have to do this multiple times.

Once the henchmen are cleared, Giuliani can be defeated as follows:

Dodge left, duck behind the stove, and double-tap X to ask Rudy why, if he's such a hero of 9/11, do New York fireman generally despise him for leaving the FDNY tragically underfunded on 9/11.

This will slow Rudy down enough for you to dodge right and press Y to ask him about his role in downplaying the health effects of the WTC bombing when, apparently, he knew better. Or should have.

At this point Giuliani will attempt to use the Rhetoric Bomb and start talking about family values. Before the bomb can detonate, quickly press Y,Y,X then jump in order to unleash a question about how any sane adult could be married to his second cousin for 14 years without knowing it, then have the balls to have it annulled (pleading ignorance) when the press figures it out.

Rudy then keels over and dies. After this, the player finishes the Heineken to replenish his shields, and then it's off to the ruins of Salt Lake City to face Mitt Romney.

Crisp Republican Hair Cuts And Bad Ahmadinejad Journalism

If you have a rummage through Google News looking for details on the protests against Antichrist Of The Week, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, you'll notice an interesting pattern. There are a few references to a protest yesterday, before Ahmadinejad had even arrived in New York. He's scheduled to speak at Columbia University, and there appears to be a great deal of public sentiment against a University's unthinking support of the free exchange of ideas.

One thing you'll notice going through these reports: a recurring use of the phrase "about 40 elected officials and civic leaders."

I would probably be a terrible journalist. If I was writing this story up for, say, US News And World Report, I'd be asking all sorts of foolish, Un-American questions, like:

-"...about 40 elected officials and civic leaders?" I was arrested once at a demonstration. The strange things is, the politicians are what we were protesting against. No elected officials chose to join us. Why are "elected officials" (who by definition already have a public platform) out waving placards and shouting at a guy who hasn't even shown up yet? Why did these "elected officials" feel compelled to get out and wave placards the day before Ahmadinejad showed up? Is it so that the major networks could run this story on Monday morning, and set the stage for further protests of questionable origin?

-Who are these elected officials? Not one news story, anywhere, seems to ask this question. It might help answer Question #1.

-Did any of these "elected officials" realize that the UN General Assembly is in New York, and that implies that foreign leaders who aren't as American mainstream as Newt Gingrich might show up occasionally?

-If all these "elected officials" showed up to protest all at once, is there any chance they're all members of the same political party?

Again, I'd probably be a terrible journalist, because I've gone over all the reports I can find about the Sunday protests, and all the professional journalists covering it seem to have known better than to waste our time and theirs asking such (apparently) pointless questions.

As I write this, CNN is interviewing a student protester... one of many we're assured, despite the fact that he seems to be by himself at the moment. I was at a University last week, and damn... this kid on CNN sure has a crisp, Republican hair cut compared to the students I've seen lately.

Of course, so does everyone on CNN these days.

Sinking Ship Watch: Rat Of The Day, Toby Keith

Country singer Toby Keith, in his 2002 pro-war hit "Courtesy Of The Red, White And Blue":

"Hey Uncle Sam put your name at the top of his list,

And the Statue of Liberty started shaking her fist.

And the eagle will fly,

And there's gonna be Hell,

When you hear Mother Freedom start ringing her bell!

It's gonna feel like the whole wide world is raining down on you...

Brought to you courtesy of the Red, White and Blue!

Oh, Justice will be served and the battle will rage.

This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage

You'll be sorry that you messed with the US of A

'Cuz we'll put a boot in your ass

It's the American way."

Toby Keith, to CBS News, yesterday:

"It's amazing how many Republicans call me for support. And then they go, 'You're a Republican right?' And you go, 'Well I'm actually a lifetime Democrat"

Where's the Republican Party supposed to turn for support, when even the hillbillies are fleeing?

.

.

A Typically Canadian Fair, Polite, Calm, Reasoned, Thoughtful Response To The Bush Administration

...as opposed to Hillary Clinton recently calling Dick Cheney "Darth Vader" recently. Jeez, Hillary, don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows that, eventually, Darth Vader turned his back on The Dark Side.

Bitch Walked Into A Door: Mattel Apologizes For Thoughtless Clumsiness

Mattel has, at long last, issued a formal and heartfelt apology over the recent outbreak of dangerous toys made in China.

The apology was made... to China. Mattel is now claiming that the majority of the recalls were because of design flaws. Design is Mattel's thing, so the story goes. China just does the assembly.

But of course if these things were being made at home, they'd be made to the standards at home, wouldn't they? Or did Mattel decide to switch so much manufacturing over to China on the same week they replaced all their design engineers with accountants and people who slept their way up in Marketing?

Chinese word of the day - kowtow: to bow, as before the Chinese Emperor, such that one's forehead touches the ground. Mattel may not know a safe toy when they see one, but they know which side their bread is buttered on.

At this very moment, something dark and frightened is bubbling up inside of me. Maybe it's a foreboding thought about a world where the worst of the fundamentalist hyper-capitalist forces have merged with the totalitarian giant of China to form a huge globalized amoeba of unthinking appetite... or maybe it's just gas. Yeah, I'm sure that's it: gas. All I need to do is burp and clear it away.

Speaking of burping: go check on the baby. You may need to remove Junior from his/her crib, if it's one of the one million made-in-China Simplicity cribs being recalled because they have a bad habit of trapping and smothering babies.

Did Simplicity let all their design engineers go, too?

Richard Nixon: The World Cries Out For Your Saintly Wisdom

I (and so many others on the Internet) am of such a leftish and/or libertarianoid bent that sometimes I find myself engaging in the same unthinking criticism of conservative types that I risk falling into the the trap of Ann Coulter-ism. Almost. But sometimes one finds truth among the trash. Or maybe it's just a case of a broken clock being right twice a day. Or maybe I'm just so desperate for signs of hope in the US that I'm hallucinating.

Once again, Pat Buchanan (of all people) has nailed it as to what the hell is wrong with neocon foreign policy, and does so in a way conservatives can appreciate.

By now you've heard this from Colin Powell:

"What is the greatest threat facing us now? People will say it's terrorism. But are there any terrorists in the world who can change the American way of life or our political system? No. Can they knock down a building? Yes. Can they kill somebody? Yes. But can they change us? No. Only we can change ourselves. So what is the great threat we are facing?"

Buchanan translates this into terms the average conservative can empathize with:

"Consider: Between 1942 and 1945, Germany and Japan, nations not one-tenth the size of the United States, saw their cities firebombed and their soldiers and civilians slaughtered in the millions. Japan lost an empire. Germany lost a third of its territory. Both were put under military occupation. Yet, 15 years later, Germany and Japan were the second and third most prosperous nations on Earth, the dynamos of their respective continents, Europe and Asia."

"Powell's point is not that terrorism is not a threat. It is that the terror threat must be seen in perspective, that we ought not frighten ourselves to death with our own propaganda, that we cannot allow fear of terror to monopolize our every waking hour or cause us to give up our freedom."

Okay... it's not exactly Pat singing "Give Peace A Chance." But it's a huge breath of fresh air from the conservative end of the spectrum. My God... can you imagine a world that is a better place than it is today because Pat Buchanan won in 2000? The mind absolutely boggles.

And as for other conservative-types that I despised yet (as time goes on) I can (ulp) respect more and more... despite more and more fascists, greedheads, and loonies adopting that label??

"The greatest honor history can bestow is that of peacemaker."
-Richard Nixon

In the meantime, New York continues to welcome tourists... unless your last name is Ahmadinejad, and once-honorable conservatives like John McCain want to use force to keep you away.

I think I need to lie down.

"The Marketing Of Evil" Vs. Kat Von D Naked: The Battle For Your Immortal Soul

(Okay, it should be immediately obvious there's no actual pictures of Kat Von D naked here. And if such pictures ever do surface, they won't be on some dumbass blog like mine. Here: go read the rest of my blog and be entertained.)

The crazy bastards at World Net Daily have a brand new book out for those of you who want to punish yourself for the high crime of Literacy: The Marketing Of Evil. The author (David Kupelian) is an editor at World Net Daily. The book's been getting rave reviews thus far... from other editors at WND, at least.

Among America's enemies (other than non-Americans) listed in the book:

-Body piercing
-Tattoos

Seriously: it turns out that the path to hell is paved with ink, just like Kat Von D, whose anatomy I've studied in detail (for theological purposes only, I assure you). Just to prove it, here's part of an Internet post from a former body piercing artist turned to Jesus by "The Marketing Of Evil":

"Self-inflicted castrations, lobotomies, amputations, disfigurement of every conceivable nature, suspensions – we do these things to each other and ourselves without a second thought."

Castration? Lobotomies? Amputations? Dude: if that was what you did for a living, maybe it wasn't the work of the Devil... maybe you were just working in an insanely bad piercing shop. A nipple ring I can understand... but now I'm picturing two nipple rings joined by a chain running through some one's frontal fucking lobes.

To summarize: Evil. Marketing. Evil being marketed.

Now, a public service announcement:

Say Nice Things About America

The next time you (or one of your art school buddies) starts to complain about big-budget, flashy, overpriced American movies or stupid reality series... refer to the front page of the gloriously named Korea News. The rest of the world calls it "North Korea"... when the rest of the world calls at all.

Here are today's top entertainment stories. Go ahead and click on the picture. It gets bigger, but it doesn't get more entertaining...

Speaking as an expert in both film production and multi-layer plastic sheeting, I can see how the director of the second film might have difficulty maintaining an engaging plot. But man... that static condenser film... that's a must see. God only knows what kind of mayhem those weapons-crazed North Koreans could get out of something like that.

I should know... I have one myself. You probably have one too, behind your refrigerator. And it's absolutely true: you can increase energy efficiency by 10 percent if you keep it clean and dusted off...

Captain America Vs. Cheap Wal-Mart Crap!

It used to be that America needed a hero to protect it from those who would take away its basic freedoms. Since that's a done deal now, what America needs protection from is its own bargain-hunting, whether it's shoddy flip flops from China causing a rash, or globalization sending all the jobs away.

(Click on the picture to make it bigger)

Darth Vader, Hannibal Lecter, And General Zod At The Values Voters Debate

The Values Voters Debate was an attempt by Fundamentalist US voters to find a leader they can really get behind: one with a consistent world view, determination, and someone with a strong moral streak that runs against the mainstream. It's unfortunate that the three best candidates I can think of didn't show up.

Here are actual questions from the debate, followed by actual movie-quote answers:

Q: At President Bush's press conference in Canada last month, Fox News asked him this question: "Can you say that the Security and Prosperity Partnership is not a prelude to a North American Union similar to the European Union?" George Bush did not deny that goal, he just ridiculed the question. Will you assure us that you will abolish all plans to promote the economic integration of North America?

VADER: "Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends."
LECTER: "He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? "
ZOD: "The closer we come to an atmosphere with only one sun... a yellow sun... the more our molecular density gives us unlimited powers."

Q: What do you intend to do to counteract the homosexual agenda?

VADER: "Leave them to me. I will deal with them myself. "
LECTER: "Look for severe childhood disturbances associated with violence. Our Billy wasn't born a criminal, Clarice. He was made one through years of systematic abuse. Billy hates his own identity, you see, and he thinks that makes him a transsexual. But his pathology is a thousand times more savage and more terrifying."
ZOD: "I defy you! Come and kneel before Zod! Zod!"

Q: As you will see by the ultrasound video on the screen, science confirms the undeniable unique person in the womb... if elected, what will you do to make our laws consistent with our science and restore legal protection and full rights of personhood to every American waiting to be born?

VADER: "Bring me all passengers, I want them ALIVE!"
LECTER: "You think if Catherine lives, you won't wake up in the dark ever again to that awful screaming of the lambs. "
ZOD: "He cares. He actually cares for these Earth people."

Q: There is no question that Jihadists have as their goal the harming of America and its citizens. What would your strategy be to protect our streets, our people, and our American way of life from the designs of radical Islam?

VADER: "The Emperor will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now."
LECTER: "What a collection of scars you have. Never forget who gave you the best of them, and be grateful, our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real. We live in a primitive time, don't we, Will?"
ZOD: "I am General Zod. Your ruler. Yes, today begins a new order. Your lands, your possessions, your very lives, will gladly be given in tribute to me, General Zod! In return for your obedience you will enjoy my generous protection. In other words you will be allowed to live."

Q: We all agree there is a great need to stop illegal immigration. However, what are the most urgent measures needed today in the area of legal immigration?

VADER: "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!"
LECTER: "Have you ever seen blood in the moonlight, Will? It appears quite black."
ZOD: "We have all that we need without you."


Q: Tell us about your personal faith, and what it means in your life:

VADER: “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
LECTER: "God has power. lf one does what God does enough times, one will become as God is. God's a champ. He always stays ahead. He got 140 Filipinos in one plane crash last year. Remember that earthquake in ltaly last spring?"
ZOD: "Why do you say this to me, when you know that I will kill you for it? "

Scene One: A Meteorite Crashes...

The movie starts with a meteorite crashing in the remote countryside. A strange gas emits from the crater. Something bubbles up from the hole. A gas is released. People start getting sick. One of the farmer's bulls dies. You know the people of Earth will be in terrible peril before this movie is over.

Except, this time... it isn't a movie. This is really happening.

"Nahum said somethin' lived in the well that sucks your life out. He said it must be some'at growed from a round ball like one we all seen in the meteor stone that fell a year ago June. Sucks an' burns, he said, an' is jest a cloud of colour like that light out thar now, that ye can hardly see an' can't tell what it is. Nahum thought it feeds on everything livin' an' gits stronger all the time. He said he seen it this last week. It must be somethin' from away off in the sky like the men from the college last year says the meteor stone was. The way it's made an' the way it works ain't like no way o' God's world. It's some'at from beyond."

-H.P. Lovecraft, The Colour Out Of Space

Yet Another Republican Pervert

Pop quiz: an assistant district attorney... John David Roy Atchison... travels from Florida to Michigan for the purpose of having sex with a five-year-old girl.

A sample of the Internet pillow-talk that preceeded this, with the fictional child's father: Atchison promises "I'm always gentle and loving; not to worry; no damage ever; no rough stuff ever, ever" and "Just gotta go slow and very easy. I've done it plenty."

Question: what political party is he with?

Yes. Another Republican. The Party Of Lincoln is rapidly becoming The Party Of Moral Decay.

Oh God, please please please send us just one Democratic sexual deviant. Just one. And no, an office hummer doesn't count. The Republican Party seems to have cornered the hypocrisy market the same way Halliburton has lapped up all the easy blood money.

I'm getting sick and tired of using the "R" word over and over again. Just like this, except with the "F" word instead of the "R" word. Turn the volume down if you're at work or in front of the kids:

Sorry, guys... what "values" were you voting for, again...?